My Mosaic

Hi @Bow

Sorry it's been a sucky day hon. I did read too what you wrote to Wintersweet. You're right, if they don't want to hear the answer than don't ask the question.

Does D finish today? It's school holidays in vic after today.

I'm ok. Spoke to someone from scbs.

Hey @Snowie

my anxiety is increasing and fear is setting in. Doesn’t feel nice.

D had another week of school and then holidays. Mum doesn’t usually go away during the holidays but it’s gonna be just me and D for the whole 2 weeks. I should be able to manage. I’m adult and I’m her mum. But Urgh. I’m useless.

do your kids do much over the holidays or take advantage of being able to work longer hours?

im sorry you needed to call scbs but glad that they were able to be there for you.

our dogs been a bit of a pain at the moment. We have laminate floor boards I think that’s what ya call them- in the kitchen and living areas and then we have a big rug in the lounge. We think she has slipped a bit on the floor boards and she won’t walk on them! She walks fine so isn’t sore. But refuses to go on them. Had to carrier her to the back door. Dogs!

Sorry @Bow

Got tied up with S. He is home sick from work today and like his father doesn't want to go to the gp 🤦‍♀️

Hopefully with D home it gives you that extra person there. I know you are the adult but that doesn't mean she cannot be that stable person for you. The reason to function each day. At least you might be able to have some sleep in's, or at least not have to get out of bed early. I'm sure D can get her own breakfast.

D has some time off uni, but will work most of it. Since S is doing his apprenticeship he won't get holidays! I guess that's being an adult now. You don't get as many holidays.

Thats something my dog would do!

I emailed my pdoc too. Sometimes he responds. I'm trying not to call today.

@Bow

I honestly can’t imagine asking someone how they are, having them share that they’re struggling with SI, and then not following up to try and help them stay safe. However I’ve also had a psychiatrist where I told them I didn’t think they should allow me to drive home because of what I might do and they just said “don’t do anything stupid.” I think being treated like you don’t matter often leads to feeling like you don’t matter, even when it’s not true (and is super painful). I think shame comes from the part of us that wants connection and fears rejection, but it can be overwhelming even when the problem is the other person’s lack of care rather than our lack of value. I want the part of you that feels like you don’t matter to know that I understand why you’d feel that way, that it’s a normal reaction to having people treat you like you don’t matter, but that it’s not true. I know that might be hard to believe, and that’s ok, but I believe it fully.

Is it helpful when people ask about what’s keeping you here? What things you can do to help keep yourself safe? Whether you need to consider an admission? Or are there other questions/support that you find more helpful?

I can understand why having a lot of negative feelings about yourself would make it feel harder to reach out. Do you think the fear of reaching out is trying to protect you from the possibility that you’ll be disappointed? Would it feel safer to try reaching out when you’re about to go into Safe Haven so that you have a backup?

I’m glad that the young SW persisted in trying to get hold of you rather than ignoring you but I can imagine that it was still disappointing to have her not say much and then talk about next week even though you’re meant to be seeing the other SW.

@Snowie

I’m glad you were able to reach out to SCBS but sorry that things are so hard that you needed to. Is there a particular reason you don’t want to call your pdoc?

It would be frustrating to have S resisting going to the GP. I’m assuming he didn’t need a medical certificate for work?

Please keep reaching out for support and know that I really value both you and Bow sharing on here about what’s going on for you both.

I’m going ok today. Yesterday was a bit of a write-off with work, just couldn’t get out of bed and then couldn’t focus. Going to talk to someone tomorrow to see if they can help me make a plan to do some of the stuff that might be good for me/ how I might take some time off work with safeguards so I don’t just spiral without the external structure.

I’m going to try and catch up on a couple more hours of work so I might not get to reply until later but please know that when I ask questions I really do care about the answers 💛

Oh that’s no good that son is sick @Snowie hope it’s nothing too serious, but is he a man flu type?

yeah D gets up and gets her own breakfast. I’m gonna have a chat with her though about not spending so much time in her room or downstairs while my mum is away. Otherwise I’m going to be really isolated even when she is home.

im going to get McDonald’s hotcakes on the way home from dropping mum at the train in the morning… gotta drop her off at 6:15. She stresses so much when traveling. She likes to have her boarding pass printed out cause she struggles with her phone. I told her to just approach a staff member and ask for help. That’s what they are there for.

im glad you can email your pdoc. Hope he has responded to you with something helpful.

dog is still being dog. Mum said she was on the floorboards and put her leg up as if it was sore but I just seen her run up and down the stairs twice. I told mum she ain’t as dumb as we think she is, she faking a sore leg so you pick her and carry her. She has obviously slipped or hurt herself cause she is scared. But she ain’t sore. She stood froze with her dinner bowl a few feet away refusing to move! She gonna drive me batty if she keeps this up while mum is away.

got plans for the weekend?

Hi @Wintersweet

My pdoc doesn't normally answer his phone. I think it is also that I find writing things down much easier than saying them on the phone.

I told S if his not better by tomorrow he needs to see someone. He rarely takes time off work so I don't think he'd need a certificate.

I hope you get the work done you wanted. Also great that you are seeing someone tomorrow. Hopefully they can help.

@Wintersweet can’t express how much that meant to me…. Being treated like you don’t matter makes you feel like you don’t matter. I know they are just words, but that resonated with me so so much. That happens to me so much. But you writing it like that is showing me that those 2 things are different things- not saying it’s magically solved everything, but it’s definitely made me think a little differently I think?

im sorry that you have had a pdoc day that to you. They maybe really educated and qualified people, but they can most definitely say some really dumb things.

I think sometimes it’s helpful to remember and talk about what keeps me here, but also that can sometimes be really hard, cause then I get in a spiral of thinking that my D would be absolutely fine without me and I can then be really hard on myself. I absolutely do not like being ask…. ‘What would you say to a friend’. Nope. I’ll dig my heels in and get angry. Not helpful. I usually have a long list of things that I can do to help keep myself safe and while doing things keeps my hands busy but mind is still very loud and big. And I find this really distressing at times. And I find that when my head is that extra bit loud and I try doing things to keep busy, I find myself wandering in my mind and making plans. It’s in these moments that I really wish that I could just turn off.

I think sometimes asking if an admission would be a good idea…. It can be helpful for my supports to gage where things are really at. An admission is genuinely sometimes not possible with my daughter and mum and stuff. But my supports knowing that things are kinda at that point shows them how much I’m struggling and perhaps the level of support I’m needing… if that makes sense. I’m not gonna tell them I need an admission if I don’t need one.

ive got some communication cards that I try to share with my supports. Sometimes words are hard, but these cards I made have words already on them. There is also a suicide scales that is helpful. But there are things that I do that cause of all the changes, I don’t think people know about. And that’s what makes me angry. I’m expected to share it all over again but it is so hard and it never gets easier.

I absolutely struggle to reach out cause of the fear of rejection. Of not being heard. Of being ignored, belittled and invalidated. The disappointment is real and is why I often just find it easier to put my walls up. And then you get stuck in that place where people think you’re fine and just don’t offer sufficient support.

im sorry yesterday was a write off and not a good day. I absolutely applaud you for sticking with it and soldering on the best you can. I can completely understand that fear of spiraling if you took time off work and didn’t have that structure and routine in place.

thank you again for your kindness and thoughtfulness in your reply’s. They really do mean alot. Hope you get some work done tonight!

Hi @Bow just had tea.

You know if S says he's sick, then he is sick. Definitely not the man flu type. Rarely takes time off work. Even when he was at school he didn't have much time off.

Hopefully you can spend some time with D. I know when I have one of mine around it is a little easier. Have you organised any days out and about?

Pdoc hasn't responded. Not sure what he would say anyway. Prob just tell me to ring someone or go somewhere.

Dogs are very clever. Our dog has a ramp to get up on the bed. Won't use it. Just stares at you until you pick her up and place her on the bed.

No plans for the weekend. Will have to go see mum tomorrow as haven't seen her since Tuesday.

How is your weekend looking?

@Snowie

Hope S feels better tomorrow but am glad he has you encouraging him about going to the GP if needed.

I’m sorry your pdoc didn’t get back to you. I can definitely understand finding it easier to put things in writing than saying them on the phone. It would also be really hard if you did call and he didn’t pick up, I get that too. You said he’d suggest calling someone or going somewhere, how do you feel about those two options?

Will be thinking of you tomorrow with going to see your mum. I imagine it would be hard not knowing how she’ll be. I hope it goes well, but also, if she is unkind, I hope that you’d know that Bow and I care deeply about you, that you’d know that there’s space here to share that experience, and that you’d call someone if needed. 💛

I really appreciate your kindness, I got some work done tonight and will have to report back on how tomorrow goes.

@Bow

I’m so glad that could resonate with you 💛

I’m sorry your brain lies to you and tells you D would be absolutely fine without you, and that it leads to you being hard on yourself. It makes sense to me that, when you’re really hurting, the part of your brain that’s desperately looking for an escape might believe that, or that if people have treated you like you don’t matter, it’s common to internalise that. So while I really don’t think it’s true, I have so much compassion for what would lead to you feeling like it was. I know for myself that being disconnected from a sense of the impact I’d have on others is a major warning signal.

Doing everything you can to distract yourself and still having your mind continue wandering back to making plans would be very hard. I fully understand why you’d want something to turn that off! Would it be worth making a plan for an admission? To go in when your mum gets back? I know it went badly when you tried earlier in the year, but I can hear how hard things are for you and wonder if it might be worth trying again?

The communication cards are a great idea. I’m sorry you’re having to share them over and over again though. That would be really discouraging and frustrating. I hope the changes settle and that you’re able to get the value from those cards again soon.

Being in a place where you’re feeling too unsafe to ask for support and having everyone assume you’re fine because of it would be really isolating. I’m so sorry that’s such a familiar place for you. How likely do you think it is that your old old SW would ignore or reject if you reached out to her? Did the idea of reaching out to her when you’re about to go into Safe Haven in case she can’t pick up sound to you like it might work?

Thank you for your kindness too! It was a relief to be able to get some work done. It also meant I’ll only have to use a day of leave this week rather than a day and a half.

💛💛💛 for you both!

Good morning @Wintersweet

Been up since early, couldn't sleep. Least it gave me a chance to do that big pile or ironing I'd been putting of!

I know I can call someone if needed. I don't think I'd go anywhere. Living rural there is really no where to go unless you want to drive for about an hour. Even then prob sit and wait for hours and then get sent home.

Hoping you have a good day today and can enjoy some moments.

Morning too @Bow how did you sleep?

Wishing you a good day today too hon.