My Mosaic

So back to saying why I type trash to share and I can’t vent anymore so I type the following to feel heard and understood. Maybe hopefully someone else will get it yeah? Won’t feel so alone.

The impending some what planned admission is really hitting hard today. Reality. It’s sucks. It’s always just felt like a possibility up until now. But now I guess everyone is onboard with it. A dates been picked. And the big thing, mum knows.
I feel sick. So much anxiety. So many unknowns. Will it all go ahead in the day planned? Will they even admit me? Will there be a bed? Will I say the right things? Will I get the opportunity to go to the private clinic again? Or just up on one of the public wards? If I’m admitted will the pdoc admitting me agree to the plan for ECT? How long will it take to get the ball rolling?
Will it even help? Or just be a waste of time and resources? That’s my fear. That it won’t help and I’ll just end up being a burden on so many people. I am terrified that all this unknown will trigger my ED big time and I’ll become medically unwell and end up being moved to a medical ward and I won’t even get the ECT.
Maybe it’s just easier to not do it at all. But oh the SI.
Urgh

i hate this all so much

@Bow it's definitely hard when it all becomes 'too real' like this. I really hear you, that you're worried about it being a 'waste of time' - but even if you don't notice immediate or significant results, that in itself is information, right? You can pass that on to your treating team to basically say 'hey, this isn't working. So what's next?'

You've had ECT before, right? What happened last time, did you find it helpful?

Hmm yeah… @Jynx

they said last time that nurses usually notice a difference after 5 maybe but patients don’t notice until much later. I can’t really remember the exact numbers sorry.

But yes I’ve had ECT before. Twice. Most recently a couple of years ago. And yeah it helped. But what if it’s different this time? My mental health just seems to get worse and worse. What if it all gets to a point where nothing helps?

im sorry

me heads a mess tonight and it’s very hard to make it shh. That and the outside noises. Words giving instructions.

@Bow I don't believe you have any reason to worry that this time it won't be effective, especially when it has worked in the past!! I have heard of ECT being something that needs 'topping up' from time to time, if that makes sense. Like restarting your computer - helps it run faster for a time, but eventually it needs restarting again.

With a messy and loud head, I can imagine everything feels very overwhelming right now... can you think of just one small thing that might help soothe, distract, or otherwise provide a bit of reprieve? Some hot tea, or a dose of spiky mat time for example?

Yeah my case manager mentioned about maintenance ect @Jynx like what Snowie has once a month.

I just had some juice and took my meds. Hopefully they kick in quick and I can just go to bed.

i see my psychologist in the morning. Last one really cause next week we are going to the Easter show and then I’ll hopefully be inpatient after that. But I think I might write all them questions down in the notebook he gave me. Did I tell you he gave me a notebook and encouraged me to write stuff down?
after that arts and crafts it on! It hasn’t been on for a very long time. When my old sw came back as team leader her boss asked her if she could bring back one group which would it be…. And she didn’t hesitate with arts and craft. So it’s back for the month of April. Health who fund the program keep changing what they need to prioritize and do. One on one support is always a priority but they went through a phase of trying to get us connected with other organizations who run groups instead of running groups themselves.

@Bow hope you are able to get into the cosy-bed-snoozle zone soon!

Oh yeah I love that you have been encouraged to write stuff down! I know it's easier for you, and I imagine it helps with organising your thoughts!

Oooh I love that, arts n crafts sessions are so super wholesome! I hope you don't get roped into leading them too much again... unless you want to of course!

I just scrolled TikTok for way too long @Jynx 😂 but I got some giggles

gonna start my nighttime routine and crawl into bed. Might write some stuff down too for tomorrow.

please tell me how you are though. And did your kitties get some shirt time?

my 3 ginger boys have all been adopted, they were on the website for less than 24hrs!

@Bow yesssss love some giggles!!

I'm pretty good, not much been going on tbh!
Yes they did haha Bonus sleepy RazzBack scratcher or Cat scratcher? hahaha

Glad the lil ginger litter got scooped up quick, means less time in limbo more time in cuddles with their new humans!! 😻

Also found some more cottage-core vibes for you!

May they carry you into a cosy slumber 😊

Haha they are so cute @Jynx

do you ever do something and then they give you the look…. And you can just imagine what they say? ….. like our dog, she sits at my feet while eat toast waiting for her crust and she knows when I get to the last bit and her bit of crust is coming but then I forget. And the look she gives me and then I imagine her say …. Bi you ate my crust

do your kitties hate their shirts? Give you a look of absolute disgust?

that first cottage pic is most definitely it!!!

@Bow I love that giving the last little crust to your dog seems to be a universal experience! My dog does the same except I cant forget cos sometimes he drools on my foot! 🤤