My Mosaic

No mum didn’t see the incident itself, but she heard the screaming and seen everything afterwards as did D @Jynx tried to shield D from it but I was way too triggered. Needed to do more but I couldn’t. I felt real sick and have done all evening.

SW was obviously with another client who took priority and needed her more. But am I allowed to feel like…. I don’t matter, not important enough, maybe she doesn’t really believe anything I say about how much I am struggling.

@Bow that's so legit hun, when it's touch and go like that it can be hard to think/prioritise logically. Don't blame yourself for reacting on instinct, to shield yourself.

Two things can be true. It can be true that someone else's crisis needed to take priority, AND you can feel a sense of rejection from it. Feelings aren't facts, and when it comes to a traumatised nervous system that has been rejected many times in the past, the feelings will occur automatically - even if we do know that we perhaps ought not to be feeling them. I think in cases like this, we can make space for the big feelings that occur... but not take them out on the person that caused them. So when I suggest that it might be helpful to let your SW know, it's more in a way that is informing her, but not blaming her. It gives her a chance to make space for the feelings and the impact on you, without feeling like she has done something wrong by prioritising according to the needs of her role. Hope that makes sense.

But yeah, adding in that you're also worried that your situation is not being taken as seriously as it feels for you could help her to understand how shaky things feel for you right now 💜

I think that makes sense @Jynx but I also think I didn’t really process much of that. Sometimes I can read words and it’s like they just go straight past nothing goes in my brain. They make no connections. That’s what it is feeling like at the moment.

today has been a hard day again. D said she was sick and wanted to stay home. I didn’t have much capacity to argue or convince her that she would be fine, (cause she has been fine), so I let her stay home. Bad mum.

I sat on the couch for ages and stared at the tv. Zero motivation. Tried to journal. Nothing. Went down stairs and tried to paint. Nope. So I’ve pretty much done nothing all day.

tomorrow. Fark I am so anxious. I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can go down there and meet this psychologist. I’ve realised that I’m gonna be shut in a small room with a strange man. No. Even just thinking about that I can feel the panic creeping in. There are heaps of rooms there and the uncertainty of not knowing which room, and then where I might sit.

@Bow totally legit - especially when we're heightened, processing information can get very tricky indeed. You know you're always welcome to say to me 'too many words Jynx' and I will try to simplify. I know I can get a little bit rambley!! And you are of course always welcome to tap out and come back to a post when you're better able to focus. One of the benefits of this space! The posts don't go disappearing on ya!!

I don't think that makes you a bad mum in any way hun, maybe she did need the day off! If not physically sick, we all need mental health days from time to time.

Very understandable that you're feeling quite anxious. Remember, you owe this person nothing. You can walk out at any time. You can tell him that this situation is one that feels triggering or unsafe to be in. You can ask the receptionist to come with you all the way to the door, even show you in. You can ask to keep the door open, so you feel like you have an 'escape route'. You can stay standing until you're comfy enough to find a seat.

Is your mum taking you/free at that time? You could even bring her in - just for that initial meeting part, so you have another female presence in the room when you do introductions. Or if just walking out feels 'rude' or otherwise difficult, you could plan with her a little safety net - like if you text her the letter X, she will call you pretending to have an emergency so you have an easy excuse to leave.

There's no rules that say you owe this man your time or your vulnerability - this is on your terms. He should have at least something of an outline of your history, right? Part of his job is to create that sense of safety, and you are allowed to express if/when you are uncomfortable. And if it doesn't work out - hey at least you tried. That's still progress, in my books!

You got this hun. I believe in you 💜

I’m a real mess today. Things have spiraled so badly this week that I have got to the point of being curled up on the floor in tears.

I’ve made such a mess of things. I’ve pushed people away, I’ve push my SW away, being unable to respond to her all week really. And I don’t even really know why, it’s just all felt too hard. Words have felt hard, verbally communicating feels out of my bandwidth at the moment. Plus her canceling on me Tuesday afternoon she was already late. So cause I couldn’t respond, her response was… well I’ll be here when you’re ready to engage again. … no, no that’s not what I need. As hard as it bloody is, as much as I wanna keep pushing people away, locking myself up and isolating from everyone, I need her. I need her support. Why am I so bloody stupid???? This great big mess is all my fault.

I was due to meet my potential? New psychologist this morning. And then I had an appointment with my CM directly after. I couldn’t do it. The anxiety. The panic I was feeling…. The feeling of danger of not feeling safe was too much. I obviously hadn’t even had the chance to speak to my SW about it and asking her to attend with me. So I just cancelled both appointments, but then my CM ended up being away anyways.

im so frustrated and angry with myself. I can’t do anything right. I just stuff things up and make a mess of everything.

I feel so stuck. Trapped. Feel like I’m just a burden and a waste of time. I wish treatment was more easily accessible. I know people keep saying go to hospital, but it is genuinely so difficult to do, it’s such a huge burden on my mum. And she’s not getting any younger.

there have been a couple of pretty big incidents happen local to me that have involved mentally ill people. People of whom the mental health system have failed. The system has failed me so many times too. It makes me angry…. Sad.

@Jynx @AuntGlow @tyme snowie I know you’ll read this eventually but didn’t want to tag you cause I know you are struggling too

I’m so sorry @Bow that today has turned out like this for you. I totally understand your feelings about the male psych as I would be the same. It is so hard to get the right fit for our supports.

Im sending you big gentle hugs and hope you can receive them. I’m going to training now but I’ll check in when I return. Sitting with you 🩵💙🩵

Thanks @Eve7 very much received

I’m back home @Bow , had dinner, watched Hard Quiz and now waiting for the winter OG to start today’s events.

What did you have for dinner tonight @Eve7?

im curled up on the couch watching home and away

Same as last night as I cooked 2 portions. Pork chops, apple sauce home made, mashed potato, peas, carrot and onion. @Bow What did you have?