My Mosaic

@Bow yaaaaay more Alice books!! Sounds like quite a nice outing the other day. Been some rough nights, and a very icky visit to your bro and SIL's place!! Truly sounds so difficult... like giving you the cold shoulder despite you being the one who was burned. Do you ever get to spend time one on one with your bro?

Also read you have a procedure appt tomorrow - fingers crossed it all goes smoothly for you! I can imagine that no matter what questions or requests you may have (including relaying fears or particular needs) they've heard it all before 😉

I hope it's a little cooler tomorrow too, I think it's gonna be 30 down here... which is still in my 'cranky' range but much better than 44!! It's just a pre-appt yeah? No pokey needles hopefully!!

I'm hearing things are very swirly - I am not surprised with such a big day tomorrow. Remember your breath, your spiky mat, and that there's always time for a wee cup of chamomile. Hugs for you hun 😌

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

Big love to you too @Snowie hope your mum is alright and mayhap you can find yourself a nice lil treat too! Hehe. Did you survive the heat okay? Sending you some hugs sweetness 💜

⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Hi @Jynx was over 45 in the shade yesterday. Least my washing dried in record time!

Today is a lot cooler.

Good morning @Bow I really hope your appt. went or goes well hon and you got the answers that you need. Sending lots of 💗💗

Thanks @Snowie

its been a really rough day. Vulnerable. Lonely. frustrated

i went to my appointment this morning, I was heaps early cause I needed to give myself plenty of time to find parking. I sat and waited for 45mins. I was in there for 5 mins. They had to do my weight and height- I did have the courage to ask for the nurse not to tell me how much me weigh. It was still a really triggering thing to be weighed. Disgust. Vulnerable. Embarrassed. She took my blood pressure and went over the prep and then she got a call and said she’d be out shortly and then off I went. She didn’t ask if I had any questions or concerns. No opportunity for me to speak of my fears. Just pushed out the door.

pretty triggering being in the hospital itself too. It has a smell. Got stuck in the elevator with an icu nurse.

SW called me at about 1:30 and asked if it was ok to come do a home visit. I said sure, she said she’d be here in 20mins. 3:30 and she still hadn’t arrived. I check my phone and see a msg. I was so annoyed that I didn’t see it earlier (2:10pm she sent it) she got called back to the office for an emergency. My phone has been on silent for like years but I usually feel the vibration of a text message on my Apple Watch. I wasted the whole afternoon waiting around for her.

a whole heap of absolute uselessness from me too. Pathetic.

@Jynx if whenever your around or have time

Hi @Bow

Sounds like a rough day hon. Lots of things happening and not many answers.

I struggle with hospitals too. They can be very triggering.

I'm sorry about your SW, it would have been good to debrief this mornings events with her, or at least someone to talk too.

I hope this evening is uneventful for you and you can just relax.

@BowI'm sorry, I got no words that can help

All I can do is sit 💕

Thanks @Snowie

its ok i know you got stuff going on

im sorry im a burden

oh @Bow never think that way, you are NOT a burden at all.

We are all in this together

We cry together, we laugh together

Went and seen my CM this morning. Don’t really know how I managed to get myself there cause I am so blinking tired. Eyes are all red. I have a headache. Words were hard as they always are when I’m tired like this.

she was like.. ‘ well your here so that means you didn’t take yourself to hospital, what happened.?’ I shrugged, said it was too hard. She wanted to know if I had at least spoken to my mum about it… no. I haven’t. That’s too hard too. She was like I get you have your daughter and all, but it can work. Mmmm. She wants it to be my choice. She again reminded me when the best time would be to present to ED. I know I need to be there, I’m really not well and I need that help. But it’s so hard.

psychologist, she said I’m at the top of the wait list and there are 2 males that have availability. Anxiety immediately went up. Apparently they are kind and gentle, have a soft approach. She then went on to say that it maybe a difficult time at the moment to meet and start something new with my trauma anniversary and depressive episode that goes along with it, but it may also be a good time but she wasn’t sure if they would allow me to wait. I asked if there was any choice with male and female, she wasn’t completely sure, but said she didn’t know how long the wait for a female would be. My flight response was kicking in and I really wanted out of there. It was all too much. I asked who they were, who the men were, one is in his late 30’s and the other in his 70’s. The younger one can do EMDR. I’m pretty sure I’ve briefly met him. I just don’t know with all my trauma whether I’d get anywhere with a male. I’d just waste his time. She was like, unfortunately with community and public health you don’t really get much of a choice. It’s a fuc€ing joke.

we talked about my fluid and oral intake, same ol’ same ol, I’m fat and my bloods are fine, so who cares. Mentioned my procedure booked for next week and my high anxiety about it. About the prep? No, about being out under and being vulnerable and having zero control of my body and what happens to it. Think positive apparently. Have something nice to do once I’m home. Yeah. No worries. That will work won’t it!

Afternoon @Bow

I can see its been a huge morning for you hon. Well done on making it to your appt. That in itself must have been extremely hard.

I understand the need for a female psych. I've had both in the past and found I could open up to a female easier. Not that the male psych wasn't good, he was excellent, but it didn't take as long to get comfortable with a female psych.

Sounds like you made it home too which is good.

Sending lots of 💜💜