My Mosaic

Hi @Bow

Tiredness can affect us in so many different ways hon. I get not having the energy to talk.

I'm glad your SW was there for you. Hopefully there is a psych for you soon. You've been waiting for so long now.

I really think the maintenance ECT has kept me from being admitted again. I've been doing it since my last admission now. I do worry about H having to take a day off every month to take me, but I guess it's better than me not being home at all.

Perhaps it's something to explore. Maybe a two week block will help.

I hope painting helps a little hon.

Everything is just so slow when I’m so tired @Snowie Moving is slow. Thinking is slow and words coming out are slow. I think I caught a glimpse of my pdoc when I was trying to talk and weird look on his face. Promise I haven’t been drinking!

I really appreciate my SW. she helps so much.

do you have like community support transport or something like that? We have something up here that helps get people to and from appointments and such. Our neighbor actually works for them. I don’t know if you have to pay for it though. If I was able to do some ECT as an outpatient I’d have to figure out how I’d get there in the morning cause mum doesn’t drive. Depends what time I’d need to be there.

My CM was saying that I couldn’t do ECT and do trauma therapy with a psychologist at the same time. Cause of the memory affects. She was saying that I’ve never done ECT during a trauma anniversary and that now could be a really good time to do it. But then talking with my SW after my appointment she was saying that I don’t need to blocking it out, I need the therapy to work through and process the trauma. So I don’t know. My SW isn’t clinical, so yeah. Hopefully my CM will have information for me next week when I see her.

I’ve put on a first coat of green paint. It took a while. Just watching a movie now

how are you doing today?

Hi @Bow

I guess it depends on how many times you do ECT a week, might depend on what work you can do with a psych/pdoc. I guess mine is a little different as it's only once a month.

I know working through trauma's is needed, however we can't work through them if we are not stable enough. Perhaps the short term goals are more important than the long term ones.

I will say that there are probably numerous ways to do ECT and therapy at the same time. Also that each person is unique. What might work for me, might not for you.

H has to take me and pick me up from ECT. I have no community transport. Considering I live over an hours car drive from where I have ECT, I don't think it would be possible.

Even when I did DBT as an outpatient, I had to get myself there and home.

Where I am, we have limited resources. The joy of rural living.

My psych is even a 45min drive.

Well done with the painting hon.

Today's been hard. Will be glad when bedtime comes.

There so many overwhelming emotions and thoughts taking hold this arv and evening. I am so frustrated with myself that I wasted my pdoc appointment this morning. Wish I could have said more but so tired and slow. Trying hard to keep self distracted and safe but it is becoming more and more difficult. Why must I pay these consequences of what someone else did??? They are out there living their life not caring about anything. Here I am fighting trying to survive. Think about all the years that have been wasted cause of what someone else did.
Lota big sadness

I want things to be different

want them to be better

but when????

guess I just don’t deserve it

not worth it

only worth the bad

all the bad things

wish it was over

maybe sleep will

Hey @Bow sounds like a very heavy day - bit of info overload and conflicting info with regards to next steps in treatment hey. I can understand why you're feeling that frustration and sadness hun.

I love reading that you've been painting!! What are you working on??

Hi @Bow , dropping by your thread to see how you are, and I can see its been a really hard week for you - quite understandably. I'm so glad @Snowie has been here helping to chat and support you.

You don't deserve what happened. The people who did it do deserve to be held accountable. Sadly the world isn't perfect and people dont get what is "deserved" or "right" or "fair" a lot of the time -- I've struggled with this injustice a lot myself in the past.

But please hun, i wish to remind you that it does not reflect your value or worth. They are the shitty one who did it to you - not you. Just as every other person who has experienced a similar thing did not deserve it either.

I am so glad your SW is back and so supoortive.

I suspect your pdoc would probably have been able to tell you werent doing well from your tiredness and difficulty communicating - sometimes what we *cant* do speaks as much as what we can do/say.

I hope you can have some good discussions with the CM, pdoc and SW around the ECT and trauma therapy and long vs short term plan.

Hang in there buddy. And tag me anytime - even if you feel/think that I won't want to know or care, because i can promise you now that will be the depression and trauma talking and not the truth.

Good morning dear @Bow

Hoping you are not as tired today hon and it's getting a little easier for you

Leaving lots of 💕💕

I’m still having issues with email notifications. Sometimes they come, other times I’ll get a whole heap from like the day before all at once. I’ve got none today… or last night. Frustrating.

im exhausted this afternoon. My friend and her granddaughter came around this morning. Yes I appreciate the visit and my D and her granddaughter get on well. But they were here for nearly 3hrs. It was a lot.
Then I left nearly straight away to go meet my SW just to chat and connect. I just need silence now. No talking. No peopling. Just leave me alone.

i also got a call from the admissions office of the hospital. Finally have a date for the procedure I need to have done that I have been waiting 18mths for. It’s in 3 weeks time. And need to go in got pre-admissions a week before. Anxiety kicked in straight away. I don’t think I’m even that anxious about the procedure itself, just being put under and having no control over my body. It makes me feel physically sick.

My gp also referred me to have a sleep study done cause I am so exhausted all the time. The initial consultation just happens to fall on the day before my procedure.

painting this  @Jynx tv stand white will be painted gold

Heya @Bow 🙂