My Mosaic

Hi @Bow

I'm glad your SW came and saw you. I know words are hard. Writing is easier. Is your support worker happy for you to write things down. She seems accepting of your texts.

Hopefully she can support you to get through some trauma anniversaries coming up.

At least it got me out of the house. Think otherwise I might have stayed in bed!

I only go once every 6 weeks. It's so bloody expensive these days.

Not many plans. H is back at work.

On Saturday we are going to a family catchup. It is H's Dads side of the family. His Dad is one of 11, so there are a lot of Aunt's, Uncles and cousins. There will be a lot of people there, very overwhelming. I guess the good thing is, is that if it gets too much then we can just leave.

His Nan is still alive. She is 100 in a month, so a celebration for her too. She has great great grandchildren.

Have you got much on?

Many plans the rest of the week?

Yep my SW is fine for me to write stuff @Snowie which I a, glad about

yeah it’s super expensive these days, that’s why I do it myself. But sometimes it’s nice to treat yourself.

i hope Saturday goes ok for you. Those kinda get togethers can be hard eh.

not too much on. Tomorrow I have pdoc first thing, SW will meet me there. Thursday I will see SW again, probably go out in the community somewhere. Friday nothing. Sunday my SW is working and she would like to come do a home visit again, just checking in and see how I’m doing.

want to go into the city with D at some point. Will look at the weather to see which day is the coolest!

It is nice to treat yourself sometimes @Bow

I don't really get anything else done except for my eyebrows and hair.

Besides that I just do it myself.

Happy to hear you can write down things for your SW and that she is making time for you hon. You deserve the support.

Used to do city days with D when she was younger. Such cool experiences. Now with her working so much, it's normally just book sales!

We haven't seen his Nan or Dad for quite awhile so will be nice to see them and catch up with some family. I think H's count for first cousins only was around the 60 mark.

Will see how long I last!

How is the furniture painting going?

I wrote something. Hope it’s ok

TW S/A

I remember it all

It’s tattooed on my mind

I remember the night

The dates etched inside

I remember going for that walk

How innocent that felt

I remember being upset

I just wanted to clear my head

I remember the warm summer night

The buzz of the cicadas

I remember sitting on that bench

Just a few moments to reflect

I remember the sound of twigs snap

I should of turned around

I remember ………

What the hell was about to happen

I remember the instant fear I felt

I need to fight back

I remember my body shutting down

I froze and couldn’t move

I remember trying to scream

But nothing came out

I remember the smell of alcohol and cigarettes

The smell still repulses me

I remember exactly what he did to me

Death will only erase it.

Powerful words and thoughts @Bow

When nothing else stays, those memories stay.

💕💕

@Bow aww hey deary, I can see you've been doing it extra tough this week as these memories are rolling through.

Sounds like your SW really wants to support you, I'm glad you got to chat to her for a while today.

I read your poem, too. I know it probably feels pretty all-consuming right now, please know we're all here for you ok?

Are you up to much tonight? Could you spend a little time just lying on your spiky mat, focusing on your breath?

Sending hugs (づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

Just full of so much dread @Jynx heart races and panic wish I could fast forward skip it sleep unconsciously Urgh and then the tears don’t wanna do it

pdoc tomorrow

just watching tv want to go to bed

i just managed a shower

A shower is an amazing step to take @Bow I know how much of a struggle it can be!!

And I hope the pdoc appt is a helpful one, and they are able to hold the space for you that you need 🤞

Sometimes wish we could hibernate for like three months, just like bears in winter 😑

Hugs hugs hugs (づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

Had pdoc this morning. I’m so tired today. Hard to string words together when I am like this. Is frustrating. Feel like appointment was a waste of time really. There was stuff I probably wanted to say, but couldn’t cause I was tired. Felt like I was dragging cement when moving.

but told him I am struggling. Trauma stuff. He asked was it anything in particular and I told him anniversary. He wanted to know what I’d been doing to distract myself and my sleep.

we talked about ECT again. They are going to look into outpatient ECT. Twice a week. Or perhaps having to start it inpatient for a couple of weeks and then continuing outpatient. He also mentioned maintenance ECT. I thought if you @Snowie

He didn’t have my blood results back but my gp had them? Thought that was weird.

my SW advocated my real need for psychology. I’m still on the wait list. Up the top apparently. They did have someone possibly available, but they didn’t do trauma. Weird again? They still have some staff yet to come back, so maybe once everyone is back they will have someone.

that’s about it. Super tired. Really could go crawl into bed but I think I will just go paint.
@Jynx