My Mosaic

Hi @Bow

Morning was ok. Took mum up the street. Wasn't too busy so that was nice. Dropped her off and then went op shop shopping. Got a few bargains!

Have been cleaning this afternoon. Another bathroom and toilet done.

That is hot hon. Been hot here too but only mid 30's. Is that heat meant to continue? Sitting outside wouldn't have been nice, glad you could change it to inside.

Well done on the wrapping hon. Your welcome to do mine too.

Does help to keep your hands busy. It's hard to keep our mind occupied.

I love op shopping @Snowie what did you find?

it’s still 36c here but just got a text from my car insurance people saying there is a storm coming. Be nice if it cooled down with some good rain. Yeah hot few days ahead… 34c, 38c, 31c

oh I’d love to do your wrapping! I actually looked on marketplace to see if there were any people offering that service in our area. Also looked at the charity’s that do it in the shopping centres. Lifeline actually urgently needed people for this afternoon at our local shops but I needed to pick D up. I think I want to try and remember to look into it earlier next year and volunteer..,, but then I get flooded with anxiety and having to be all cheerful and talk to people and think maybe not. Mum has made fabric gift bags this year.

We have 3 local op shops @Bow 2 are really good.

Got 2 pairs pants, a top, a sports bra and a book for $18. Bargain! The sports bra still had tags attached.

Going to head to a new one tomorrow in the town over from us.

D loves them too. When working in different places, she will go in between jobs. Always seems to come home with bargains.

I think you would do great at volunteering hon, especially with wrapping. I do understand the need to be 'merry' at this time of year though.

Those gift bags sound nice too

The busiest I've been in a long time @Bow! I am sorry I didn't get around to replying, flying solo and your post was one of the open tabs waiting for me to get to for many hours tonight... I will check in tomorrow when I can. Sending hugs 💜

I dropped D off at her father’s this morning and then went back to bed. Moving my body today is such an effort. It’s exhausting. It’s painful. I’m in a fibro flare I think. My body absolutely hates the extra weight that I am carrying and my fibro is so bad because of it. I need to lose weight but I have no clue even how I’ve put this weight on considering my eating disorder behaviors. Some times I just wanna come off all my meds and start from scratch and see if any of that makes a difference but I know full well the withdrawal from all my meds would be a hell of a process and horrible.

I did get up for a bit and did some craft. But I’m back in bed again cause I just get frustrated with myself.

I have no idea how I’m going to manage on the cruise. Thousands of people. It’s a fully booked cruise. And Disney people are crazy. I don’t want to ruin it for my daughter in particular. I want her to have the best time. But what if my anxiety gets in the way? What if my body just doesn’t cope with it all?

im really hoping that my SW is back as expected tomorrow. I doubt I’ll talk much over the phone, but just the assurance that she will do a home visit Monday will be nice. I didn’t talk with anyone else from there during the week and it’s been really hard. I have felt very alone. Trauma symptoms are amping up like crazy. Dissociation happening a lot more often. Which is really hard. How’s that even gonna go on the cruise?

im safe. It’s hard. But I am. But the thoughts are heavy. Constant. It’s lonely in my head. Inside. I feel small and insignificant. So many experiences recently scream at me that I do not matter. That I am not worthy of support and care. That I’m just forgotten about by so many. It’s sad. It’s a heavy load to carry by myself

Hey @Bow it sounds like you're going through it at the moment. I'm sorry to hear you're in pain, that must be so draining and it's understandable that you'd end up needing to rest.

What are you crafting at the moment?

Disney cruise sounds like a lot and I get why it would feel pretty daunting at the moment. What's helped when you've gone on other trips when you've had to face crowds and manage anxiety?

Sounds like your SW couldn't come back soon enough, hoping that seeing her Monday will provide a greater sense of support, I know it's been really hard trying to connect with the fill-in SWs so I bet it will be a real relief to have yours back

TW- SA

Little girl you were born a mistake

Your parents confirmed that

Your siblings laughed that you were not planned.

People have trampled all over you

Treated you different your whole life.

You were the middle kid

Your older brother always got more attention

Your younger brother the baby of the family.

You were the only one ever placed into foster care. No one could care for you. No one wanted you. And even now as grown adults neither of your brothers really show any care. No one calls. No one checks in. It hurts. It really bl00dy hurts.

Dad didn’t think you were important enough to stick around. And cause you lived with mum you were the outcast. Always treated like crap. Hand me downs nothing ever new. No space to call your own, dirty recycled bed sheets, wet nights, scared and alone. Forced to play along just a porn in their sexualized games.

Your husband didn’t even want you. Didn’t value who you were. Not even the mother of his child, he went elsewhere and could care to help save what we had made.

You invest time and energy into friends time and time again, but they all disappear. Your church didn’t care. Yeah the one where you served wholeheartedly for 2 decades. No one checked in or asked if you were ok when you ended up in hospital for 8 long lonely weeks.

You sought help to work on your trauma, your psychologist didn’t even want to help dumping you via email 1hr before seeing you. Psychology after psychologist they give up and leave.

You fight hard to get support, people say you deserve it, but time and time again people let you down. You’re not worthy. You actually don’t deserve it. No wants to help. No one wants to share the load. You see how people are more important. People care about them. Your just ignored despite reaching out, despite trying to be vulnerable. It all just reiterates what you have believed all your life, how you’ve been treated, forgotten and abandoned.

Hey @Bow, sounds like you have been through a lot and you really demostrate your resilience in your connection with the Forums community. You are so brave sharing these very challenging times with the community and it must take a lot of emotions to recall these memories.

I'm curious how you are doing today and has anything bought this up? Or did you just want to share it with the community?

I also edited a little and added a trigger warning just to support everyone in the community when they potentially read it. Thanks for adding "TW - SA" but I just made it a bit clearer for everyone.

RiverSeal ❤️

hi @RiverSeal

i appreciate you putting it in a trigger box but why was the wording edited?? I did not go into any details. I flagged another members post for saying that word but it was made very clear to me that it was acceptable as long as no details were shared. This is a very clear example of what I just shared. That I am treated different. Silenced for sharing my experiences and truths. And it hurts every single time.

I am not doing ok today. I’m very had a lot of these thoughts circulating around in my head because these experiences are occurring a lot at the moment. I’m struggling enough with trauma symptoms at the moment and major depressive episodes that don’t respond to medication and I have very little support.

I think I’m just going to go. When this crap happens it’s supper distressing and I spiral.

I apologise that you feel you are being treated differently but it's not the case. We do collaborate and make these decisions and they are on a case by case basis while maintaining consistancy with moderation. You are welcome to flag any posts that you don't believe are within the Guidelines and we can take a look at them.

I get that it's hard for you and I see that you are really trying your best which can become overwhelming at times for us all. It's important to reach out when we are not in a good place and it's great that you are using the Forums to connect with your peers. Do you think it would be beneficial to reach out to crisis supports at the moment and have a chat with someone?

When is your next session with a support worker @Bow ? Maybe you can reach out a bit earlier.

RiverSeal