My Mosaic

Hey @Bow

Leaving some 💕 for you hon, hoping this morning went ok

Hi @Snowie thank you. And sorry I didn’t get back to you last night, had a rough night.

my appointment with the new pdoc went ok. I was heaps anxious and it took a lot to get myself there this morning. And then my SW was running late, I ended up having to go in by myself, but I let the receptionist know that my SW was running late and asked if they could let her know I had already gone in and to let her come in. Thankfully she wasn’t too far behind me.
But was able to tell him how bad things have been lately and he asked what has helped in the past. Unfortunately the only thing that has seen any lasting improvement was ECT. We talked about that for a little. He said that can be a more planned admission, but a circuit breaker admission has to go through the ED. He also mention TMD? That could be another option but there is an out of pocket cost. He said he would see if the public hospital has started it or will be in the near future. My SW was able to communicate a little more about how things have been for me which I wasn’t able to.

gotta have my bloods done and he increased one of my meds. He talked a lot about meds, different one we could try and such. But said to let them know if I decide about an admission/ECT and when

hope your day has been ok.

I always question my decisions. Doubt the choices that I make. Second guess everything. What if it’s wrong? What if I make the wrong choice and stuff things up even more? I can’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself. Even if it feels right, it could be wrong. Even if logically it will be ok, it will help, it will be right, the screams that come from within are deafening.

I thought I was doing the right thing that night. My eating disorder was still pretty new and the overwhelming screams of my body wanting, needing nourishment but my ED saying no. I needed to get outside of my head. It was a nice evening so I thought I would just go for a stroll. Most of the park was well lit but I stupidly chose to sit down for a bit on a bench in the dark. I thought I would be ok. Thought just a change of scenery would help. Some fresh air. A distraction.

But now I feel sick. All those thoughts, all those choices, what I thought would help, what I thought was ok to do, it all change everything that night.

Stupid girl. Should have known better. It was late. It was dark. I was alone. Idiot. You got no one to blame but yourself.

maybe someone can make sense of this mess? Or relate?

I can relate @Bow and maybe we were in the wrong place at the wrong time but that doesn’t make it our fault. We should be able to sit on a park bench and be safe no matter what time of day it is.

The perpetrator was the one at fault not you hon. Sending gentle hugs 🫂

Dear @Bow , unfortunately your above posts were removed as they did not meet guidelines around recovery-focused posting. Please review guidelines before posting again.

I'm so proud of you @Bow for going into your appt this morning, especially without your SW at the start. You should be proud of yourself hon. That took a lot of courage.

I'm glad you were able to speak to him about how things have been.

I know the feeling when the only thing that seems to have helped is ECT. I'm still having it.

I'm happy to talk to you about it if you need.

Perhaps an increase in one of your meds can help even a little.

I'm sorry things have gotten harder as the day has gone on. Am here if you need to sit/chat

Hi @Bow

Just leaving some 💕💕🫂🫂for you hon

Hoping today is a little better

Bow not going to tag you in the hope you see this message.

Hoping today goes ok hon. I know how difficult this time of year is.

Sending lots of love and hugs. Coming to sit right next to you 💗💗

Missing you hon @Bow

Hoping things are ok and you just need some time away

Sending lots of love 💗💗

Checking in briefly, I don’t really think I can be. I’m really struggling at the moment all sorts of things happening that makes being stuck in my body very unpleasant. My CM is still away and I heard nothing from comm mh this week. Makes me angry. Feel abandoned and alone. My SW is now also away for the next week. I’ve been allocated another SW but I don’t really know her. The SW on shift today called this morning, but didn’t have the capacity to answer. I messaged her later on, was brave and told her a bit about where my head is at. She called back a while ago and managed to take her call. She was kind. I usually struggle to talk to her cause she is so overly zealous and laughs a lot, but she was more serious today. And I felt heard and supported. She asked if I needed her to make any other calls for me, I said no. I’ll be safe. She said she was working again tomorrow and offered a home visit tomorrow. They don’t usually work both days over the weekend and they don’t usually do home visits on weekends, but cause she’s working both days she decided to be out and about today and doing home visits tomorrow. She helped me put a plan in place to keep me safe tonight and then I’ll see her tomorrow.

have been experiencing this overwhelming sense of panic around this time of the day. I don’t really know why.

I really wish I had a psychologist. Really needing someone to talk to