Yesterday I seen my dietician and I thought for a moment that she was going to give up on me too. We were talking about telling Mum. I explained to her that it's something that I've been thinking about a bit, especially since my last hospital admission. We went over all the obstacles that I feel are stopping me from telling her... a lot of fear, her taking over and me not having control anymore, her showing up and then backing off again and to me that's her not caring, so why bother telling her in the first place. The burden that she already carries with everything else going on in our lives and then eventually I was able to put into words the fact that I'm not sure I'm ready to let go of my ED yet. If Mum knows the full extent of things I'm sure she will stop everything and ensure that I am doing the right thing.
It was then that I feared my dietitian was going to give up on me. She had a concerned look on her face. She spoke about the possibility of looking into having a support worker come into the house to help me. I really thought that she was going to quit on me.
We talked about what I am working through with my psychologist and I tried to explain that I'm still not 100% set on my current psychologist and that I still compare her to my old one. She asked why I stopped seeing my old one and I explained that she wasn't familiar with EDs and I was presenting too acutely for her. She then went on to say that I'm not acute anymore, which surprised me cause I don't feel like I am making any progress.
She suggested I keep looking into the contact details for this professor and if seeing her is an option to work through the ED stuff, then maybe I could go back to my old psychologist to work through what I had originally wanted to (my marriage ended) with some strict boundaries and guidelines around staying safe and not engaging in certain ED behaviours.
She then made my next appointment, to which I sighed a big sigh of relief that she wasn't giving up on me.
Ive had a headache all day today. Haven't done a great deal of anything, but I have met all my dietary goals so far, including this supplement that I have to now view as 'medication'. We talked yesterday about changing the way that I view it, I take all my other medication without an issue, so if I could see it as that then maybe I would be more willing to take it. So that has felt like a big achievement in itself considering how I am feeling today.
I apologise for my ramblings, it helps to get it out and process it.
