My Mosaic

Wow @Bow you have come so far, go you!!!!

Studying too, I am so very proud of you. You've worked hard and you deserve a bright future. So glad you're back x

Thank you @Anastasia thats kind of you. I wish I could see it today, struggling so very much tonight. Looking forward to bed time.

Today has been such a difficult day. We were going to go out for the day, some adventure. But my daughter pushed all the right buttons this morning and I lost any sense of adventure and patience to deal with anyone. We went and did the groceries and then spent the rest of the day at home.

I feel like such a failure as a mother. Being a Mum does not fulfil me and it hurt to say that. I always wanted to be a Mum, was desperate to have children and even grieved the fact that she was my only child. But the last couple of years something just hasn't felt ok. I don't know if it's just where I am mentally and the struggles I face, or whether I just am not meant to be a Mum. I'm hate typing this, don't expect anyone to read, but this really hurts to say all this. Maybe motherhood just hasn't been like I dreamt it to be. Perhaps it all just died when my married ended too. I don't know.

she has developed her own food issues over the last couple of weeks. She's been a bit of a picky eater for the couple of years, but it's just got so much worse. Will literally only eat 2 veggies, carrots and cauliflower. Couple of weeks ago randomly said she doesn't like broccoli anymore. Will only eat red grapes, had an argument with her at the fruit and veg shop today over apples. There were no red grapes, only green, which she won't eat. I told her she needs fruit and gave her some options. She eventually picked out some apples, but they had to be hard, apparently doesn't like soft ones and they can't be too juicy, and they had to be red.

tried to get her to try mandarins. Oh the performance!

and then dinner tonight. I cooked a zucchini slice. Refused to even try it. Was mouthy, hitting me, so much angst and attitude. She ended up going to bed after eating a couple of pieces of carrots and cauliflower. It's hard to deal with her when it triggers my own food issues. Last thing I need to deal with is her not eating when I don't want to eat myself.

what have I done to my little girl???? She use to be such a chilled, carefree and happy little girl. She is so far from that now. Angry. In your face. I don't know what I did, where I went wrong?

im sorry this has just turned into a big vent. It's left me in a bad headspace. such horrible thoughts, but I can't even be bothered. I'm safe.
I'll stop now.

@Bow

Ohh sweetheart I'm sorry to read this. Being a mother is so f&@ken hard!

It makes you question everything.

We do the best we can with the tools that we have, that's all we can do. When our children fall short we question everything...what did we do, what didn't we do, what could we have done differently and on it goes.

A marriage breakup makes us feel so much guilt around our child/ren and what they may miss out on as a result. Not to mention our broken heart.

I wish I could make you a cuppa, hold your hand and tell you that YOU are THE BEST MUM for your little girl. Time heals our broken heart. Here for you sweety. 💓🌹🎀💓

It's been 4 yrs @Anastasia youd think something would of shift by now, that I would be starting to feel a bit better about everything, but I'm not. I still have so much resentment towards my ex. All the things that he did to destroy our family. I blame him for everything. I know that I shouldn't. I'm responsible for how I respond to his actions, but he did so much to destroy our lives. And things wouldn't be the way that they are at the moment if he didn't do any of it. I wouldn't be struggling with my mh again, I wouldn't have an ED, I wouldn't be stuck living with my folks. I'm too weak for this life. Too broken. And I'm just causing more damage to my daughter.

I hear you @Bow

Its been 20 for me. I still have difficult days hun. I have just tried to make a life for the three of us to give my boys the best I can. That's all you can do. It gets better..I promise x

Thanks @Anastasia I'm trying. Just not having much luck.

Doing a seemingly basic adult task this morning, getting my cars registration check done and I flung into a spiral of overwhelming emotions when the smell of the place triggers me. I hadn't thought about it for a little while. But it bought it all flooding back. That's what he smelt like. He was a mechanic.

hey there, it can be tough when you get triggered by emotions and memories, look after yourself and be kind to you