My Mosaic

@Bow aww thanks hun, I try to be 🥰

I believe they will! And I believe that because I believe hope and love are the most powerful forces in the universe. And if those forces feel inaccessible to you right now, I also believe in the power of community, that even when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, there's someone there who can sit and hold your hand so it's not so scary. Come on, I got some glowsticks too, so even if it's super dark, we can still make it pretty!

Gonna flick a quick email too hun keep an eye out 💜

@Bow wishing you well hon 💕💕

@Jynx hope it’s ok to just tag you. Today’s has been hard and I just need some safety.

I talked a little with my SW this morning on the phone about my nightmares. I had a lot last night. Feeling very weary today. Nights like last night often end in SH, it kinda halts the nightmares and yuckiness. It’s a stop. Maybe like a mini circuit breaker. Tried to explain that to her. She understands nightmares, just not the SH.
She also bought up ‘bows arts and craft group’ 😩 went on about it.

Seen my CM. We talked mostly about my old SW cause it was the first time I’d seen her since finding out. I mentioned arts and crafts and my meds for my trip. Did not at all feel heard. After last night I needed the space to feel safe to talk and I did not feel that.

I went to my arts and craft group afterwards. I set up by myself. The SW in charge of group was hardly there, she went out for smokos all the time, had lunch, went off talking. She came back in at one point cause a girl went off looking for help cause she couldn’t put the thread through the hole. She bought her back into me and said ‘bow you’re facilitating this group can you help …… do this’. I felt fairly crummy after that. It wasn’t just what she said but how she said it. I then cleaned everything up by myself. No thanks.

why??? Why’s it all so hard???

I seen my SW very briefly when she bought another client into the office, I felt like I really need to connect. But there was no opportunity for that.
I crawled into bed when I got home. Haven’t moved.

@Bow sounds like a really rough day hun. I wouldn't be surprised if you, like me, find yourself with a VERY LOW tolerance for irritation when you've had a rough sleep. I know for me, it results in even the tiniest bit of tone in a voice or like, the eensiest infringement on my needs becomes fuel for the fire. Then all it takes is like, my headphones getting caught on a door handle or my cats making a mess and suddenly I'm in meltdown-land, where the weeping is big and the pillow screams are plenty.

Not at ALL saying that you shouldn't be feeling upset by the day you've had, or that having a big emotional response to these things is somehow incorrect (no such thing in my books anyway), more just highlighting it to try to bring your focus away from self-blame and towards giving yourself a smidge of compassion 💜

Yeah I have very low tolerance when I am super tired @Jynx so maybe I’m just a bit extra sensitive today then??

not sure how to do the whole compassion thing. Especially when that thing is nagging away inside my head.

just really feeling the massive shift in my support this week. I’m struggling. Rugs been pulled from beneath me and I’ve come crashing down. It’s a time of the year when stability in my support is so important and I don’t feel that.

It might not feel like it @Bow but you are coping. Like it's a lot harder and you're feeling let down - very much allowed. I just mean like... Sometimes when we're forced to go without the things we've leaned on in the past, it can be a good opportunity to practice leaning into our inner resources. Part of working towards no longer needing support is to sometimes go without.

Timing-wise, not great though.

What are you up to tonight?

Nothing just some tv probably @Jynx

im sorry for being such a burden

And when did I say that you were burdening me @Bow?

Maybe you forgot - I mean what I say and say what I mean, and always tell people directly when they're impacting me. It's okay, I don't mind reminding you. And if you forget again, and your brain makes an assumption and tells you you're hurting me in some way, I will take the time to remind you again, with a hug and a smile, and it won't cost me a thing 💜

Lots and lots of tears tonight @Jynx and really really loud voices inside my head saying not nice and bad things

You are not the voices @Bow and they do not own you or control you. They're loud because they think they have to be. They think they're protecting you. They're just not particularly good at it.

Is there one small thing you can do for yourself to help you feel empowered, in control? Like having a shower even if they're screaming at you not to, or to reach out to LL chat or something even if they say you don't deserve to?