It’s been a while. I don’t particularly feel safe posting at the moment, but wanted to pop by as I know some have been posting here and I do appreciate the thoughts.
I’ve had a difficult week, feeling it particularly, knowing that I don’t have any appointments with my psychologist, dietitian or even my gp for some weeks. I went and had my bloods done again yesterday and another ECG, I do understand why I’m having them but wish that they weren’t necessary, especially the ECG.
Earlier in the week I had 000 called on me, I still feel confused about what actually happened. Perhaps will never really know. I’m ok. Discharged and community mental health will follow up. They are coming out to see me on Sunday afternoon. I’m not keen, I haven’t found them at all helpful in the past, but it was a condition of being discharged. They called this morning and asked about my sh and si, I told them it’s a constant struggle and very much a hourly battle at the moment, they were keen to come and see me ASAP.
I’m still really struggling with my eating. I’m finding it particularly frustrating that I have these meal plans and goal with my dietitian but I don’t have the regular appointments with my psychologist to work along side with. I kind of feel the appointments with my dietitian is a waste at the moment. Although now that I have a diagnosis signed off I will be eligible for more appointments.
I have booked a couple of days away for my d and I next week. It’s my birthday and have splashed out a bit at a nice hotel and tickets to frozen the musical. D doesn’t know yet, will wait till we arrive at the theatre with her Elsa dress on. I’m trying really hard to do the right thing so that I am well enough and strong enough.
Yesterday I ate lunch for the first time in a long time. I was actually feeling rather lethargic after my bloods, so made myself eat. But afterwards I felt even more ill. I spent the rest of the day in bed crying, scared about how I was feeling. Terrified about what I was feeling physically, contemplated calling for help, but didn’t want to waste anyone else time. I’m stuck in this vicious cycle of restricting, then eventually eating but hating how it makes me feel and then starting the cycle again. I feel so trapped. My hair is falling out, which makes me really sad, it’s a real sign of how horrible deep I am in this. A lot of what is starting to happen to me physically is really scary. Recovery from this monster feels so impossible.
My brother and his partner were up for Easter today. They arrived after we got home from church- managed to drag myself there. Tomorrow I’ll help Mum at a market while my d is at her fathers house for the day. It will be a good distraction.
I still feel a deep sense of loss. So deeply sad. I catch myself crying a lot and I’ve been having a lot of very vivid dreams. Im still carrying a lot of guilt over what has happened. Probably something I will need to talk through with my psychologist when I eventually get there.
I just don’t understand how my life got so messy, to the state that it’s in and how I can possible get back to some kind of normal life and manage things again.
I’m sorry I’m not around here much, I pop on every now and then to have a read, so I’m thinking if you all, but just feel safer not posting too much. Maybe when I’m not feeling so vulnerable and unsafe I’ll be back, I get into too much trouble otherwise. Love you all 💕 squishy hugs 🤗
