ive had one of the shittiest of weeks and today just topped it off.
i had an appointment with my psychologist on Tuesday, was able to be real and honest with her about exactly where i am at. she was kind and gentle, but wouldnt let me leave until she knew that i was going to be safe going home. i told her that i have been sh'ing, usually a result of my eating issues. which then often leads me to over medicating myself to help myself feel better about sh'ing. she called the local community mental health team and i had an appointment made for the following day. i spent 2hrs with her, it was hard, i was not in a great place, still not. i agreed to removed the excess medication from my room and let her know and also let her know that i was ok the following morning. we didnt discuss it, but she did ask in a follow up email, that i take the medication to the appointment the next day, but i couldnt and didnt.
the appointment with the mental health team wasnt overly helpful. we chatted, i was mostly honest. didnt want them to take me in, although she did mention that i would benefit from an inpatient stay. i told her no. she kept reminding me that i need to make changes and get better for my daughter. i talked about my concerns around her being with her father and she said if i keep going, my daughter may talk at school and someone may make a docs report. not overly helpful considering i feel like i am not a good enough mother already. i dont think she seemed to understand how its not as easy as just making a few changes. instead of trying to control if i eat or not, try controliing how much i eat, change the game she said. she did say that dbt would probably be helpful and that she would mention it to the team. waiting list is probably long.
today i dragged myself to the gp clinic to see a different gp after fridays unhelpful appointment. to say that i left very disheartened and defeated all over again is an understatment. i explained what happened friday and how it made me feel. she just pulled out a heap of papers, assuming a list of all the local psychologists in the area and went through them and found the ones that dealt with eating disorders. she gave me 4 on a piece of paper. i just wanted someone to care. someone to ask how i am doing with it all. how i am feeling. i got none of that. im starting to experience some really unpleasant physical symptoms of my lack of eating. my psychologist said that it was important that i inform the gp of these, i spoke with the butterfly foundation and they said things are acute and my gp needs to know. but i didnt feel she allowed a safe place to share these. i walked out of the appointment and cried.
im not in an ok place now. i have given up trying and accepted that this is where i am at and no one can help. i have spoken to the helpcentre this afternoon, they were kind and listened, but it doesnt change anything. im at my lowest and feel done.
@Emelia8 @Eve7 @Snowie and others, i know things are difficult for yall and im sorry, your all beautiful kind people and deserve the best, please dont feel the need to reply. i dont really matter.
