My Mosaic

sending you lots of tender hugs my @Bow

Thank you @Shaz51 @Emelia8 @Anastasia

my appointment with my new psychologist went ok, as ok as any first appointment can I guess. I was able to cover the main areas in which I am really struggling at the moment, my eating issues, my sh and si and the recent assault and decision that I am currently faced with as a result. I verbalised what happened for the first time today, very briefly, no details, I couldn't, not yet and not today. She was ok with that too.
I never know what is important to mention and what is ok to leave. Something that I consider minor and insignificant could actually be a missing part to the puzzle that I don't yet see but some professional may be able to see as a missing part. I guess as times goes on and we talk more, maybe those missing parts will become more visible and slot into place. In the whole scheme of things I didn't really talk about a lot of things, my life has so many trauma points.... time I guess.
My new psychologist is very softly spoken, With so much noise inside my head, sometimes the extra focus that I require to hear her properly is difficult.
When discussing my I guess lack of safety that I feel a lot at the moment, she immediately did up a safety plan and some alternatives to try instead of sh. I'm unsure how I feel about them at the moment as my urges are so extremely intense, between wanting to sh to bring me back to the now when having a flashback and sh as a form of punishment in relation to my ed.
She let me sit and be heard.
I have an appointment in a fortnight, but then nothing for a month, which is frustrating. She is just booked up over that time. I hope that this isn't going to be the case ongoing. I have 3 appointments booked after that and of course on the cancellation list during that month, she apologised that this is the case and she said that she will call me once a week to see how I am doing and I have her email. I need to remember to try and make early morning appointments so that I have time to just sit and be and process before my D gets home from school. She tends to drain me mentally in the afternoon and I'm just not coping with it and with a therapy session on top of that I already feel the struggle.
I'm feeling really raw and exposed this afternoon. My Ed has been more challenging the last couple of days and I feel really lethargic as a result today.

That's it I think. I'm struggling now. Feel like I've opened up a lot of things today and now just left to deal with it.

Hi @Bow

I am glad your appointment went ok. I can understand how hard it is to start with a new psych, I have just started with a new psych too.

I am glad you are on her cancellation list. It is really hard when we cannot get into see our psych on a regular basis.

I hope you are ok this afternoon and not too tired from your appointment. It can certainly take all our energy just to get through the appointments and then we have to deal with the aftermarth afterwards.

Here with you hon if you need to chat or just sit.

Oh wow @Bow ... I'm so proud of how much you have accomplished today. And I hope you are too, because you should be. So pleased that you see the appointment as going as well as any first appointment could. And I agree. It sounds like you covered (briefly at least) all of the major issues. Its very natural to now feel raw and exposed. But your psych sounds very efficient, caring and professional. Its also great that you have appointments for future fortnightly appointments, or on a waitlist for when that wasnt possible. Hoping a gap arises to enable your appointments to be fortnightly going forward.

You say she has helped you to do up a safety plan, and provided some alternatives to SH. If any of us here can help you with that ... please let us know. If its helpful, we can remind you when you may not otherwise remember. So if you are comfortable in relating any of those little tricks she has given you ... please tell us so that we can try to steer you in the right direction, if needed. When we are in deep distress, we often forget to do the things we know can help. We simply are not thinking straight. So I reiterate ... if we can help you with that ... please tell us how.

I hope you are able to have a gentle and calm afternoon and evening. You need to try to allow your heightened senses a chance to settle. Please take care Bow.

Emelia 💕😊

Thanks @Snowie I'm feeling really vulnerable at the moment and not in such a great headspace. It doesn't feel ok and I need to go keep myself safe now.
I hope you are ok 🤗

Thank you @Emelia8 i appreciate that. I will come back and share those details later, I do need to go at the moment

Take care of yourself @Bow We are here with and for you 💜💜

You've done well dear @Bow

Go easy on yourself, like you do with us when you give advice and speak gentle. Hugs and hugs and more hugs 🤗🌸🌼🌻💞

My body is tingling tonight. My arms, hands and feet. My face. Been feeling it all afternoon. Didn't think much of it when I first noticed it, but then remembered that I've felt this before. Just prior to my last hospital stay. Im feeling scared tonight. My stay in hospital scared me. Showed me how serious this horrible Ed can be at times. I have this fear tonight. I've struggled with my Ed the last week, especially the days leading up to my appointment today. Please don't tell me to eat. It's not that simple. Just need to sit.

That doesnt sound so good @Bow .

No I'm not going to tell you to eat. That would be silly of me. I dont have an ED, but I know enough to realise its not a simple matter at all. Its highly complex.

Did your psych have any suggestions on things to help with your ED today?

Just a few suggestions you may like to try - Can you make yourself a cuppa? Add a sweet biscuit or cheese and crackers? Try to eat half a banana, or a few spoonfuls of yoghurt?

If not, I would suggest you drink as much water as you can so that you at least stay well hydrated.

And if you'll have me, I would like to sit with you.

Emelia 🌷