My Mosaic

@tyme ?

when you were really unwell…. Hmm trying to find words for what I wanna ask. My CM just stopped by…. It frustrates me so much when people say that I am really capable of doing so and so… I know that a lot of the time I present reasonably ok. Like if you see out and about I don’t look unwell. I see many at comm mh who you can tell are struggling, but not me. I really don’t like to say that mh has a look… cause I know it’s so very wrong. So very inaccurate. But I guess I really struggle with the fact that I present ok and people think I am… could be… should be…. Am capable, of doing much better. Like I know I travelled overseas perfectly ok a couple of years ago. I went interstate last year. I can get myself. I can keep my space clean and tidy. …. BUT…. Inside. It’s. so. very. different.
like my CM said that there are far better things that I could be doing in the community with my SW than just taking me to a million appointments. And what can I do to change that??? I DONT KNOW. I don’t feel like I can change anything.

Am I making any sense??

Hrmm... I'm trying to make sense of it.

Here goes what I THINK you mean (correct me if I'm wrong - I apologise in advance).

People think you are absolutely okay because you can do things outside (e.g. go overseas), yet deep down, you are dying? Hence, the misunderstanding really frustrates you because people down play how much you are hurting inside?

This is an experience of mine:

I was admitted once because I was in a terrible state. I was highly suicidal and unsafe. In hospital, the psych looked at me and said, "We're going to discharge you so you can go back to work".

That shattered me. It was as though she didn't take into consideration at all how I was inside. On the outside, I could hold it altogether. I could run my workplace. Yet deep down, I was on the brink of death.

Is that along the same lines?

That is exactly it @tyme

I told my psych on Wednesday some stuff. Where things are at inside, my thoughts in regards to SI. But it’s like she did not hear me at all cause I don’t look like I am there.

feel like I am often slipping through the cracks cause I look ok.

I sat there today while my CM and the other lady told me all these things that I need to do in regards to keeping my potassium up. And I felt so stupid. Just do this. Try this. Give this a go. I CANT.

I am dying inside. I am so dam broken. I am on the edge. And I’ve told people this. But I feel so dismissed.

I really thought that mh professionals knew that mh is an internal thing. That hoe a person looks on the outside should not even come into it…. Yes for some it’s an indication, but for others it means nothing. Sometimes I feel that I need to just roll out of bed and go to appointments so people can actually see how I am. It’s why I wanna shut people out, run away, not go to appointments, withdraw… then maybe they will see.

Hey @Bow ,

I can totally relate.

At the same time, I can see it from their point of view. They need to tick the box and tell you these things, when really, it's the MH that is speaking so loud.

I also sense that they may be feeling compassion fatigue in that they've worked with you for so long, and they may be feeling they haven't 'fixed' you. I wonder if that is part of the picture?

Yet, it doesn't take away the invalidation and hurt you are experiencing every time you see them. Yes, they are doing their job, but your real needs are not being seen to.

Another example I can think of is when I used to engage in SH a lot. When it was seen to by medical people, they always focused on the SH and sort of dismissed the internal pain inside. It was as theough they were doing their job to 'fix' the physical me, but they really didn't know how to fix the emotional me. It really hurt.

For me, recovery was when I found the therapist and therapy that worked for me. People who didn't freak out if I SH'd, but instead, told me if I had to do it, to do it safely (please note, I am NOT condoning or advertising self harm. I am sharing what worked for me).

By working with the internal pain, the physical stuff resolved itself.

Upon reflection, I was a lucky one. I just ended up with the right CM and the right psychologists and treating team... this was not about finding the 'nice' therpaist/dr, but having one that knew my needs and could be harsh if they needed to.

Please hang on @Bow . I hope you get the support you need.

@Bow 💕💕

Who’s moderating at the moment? @RiverSeal ? @moderator ?

Hey @Bow I'm moderating atm! How are you doing today? RiverSeal

Meh pretty shit to be honest @RiverSeal spiraling fast. But oh well.

I need to flick you an email about something though.

Ok, @Bow and sorry you're feeling like that today. When are you seeing your supports again?

Our email is team@saneforums.org and I'll keep an eye out for it.

RiverSeal

I’ll hear from supports tomorrow @RiverSeal @I’m suppose to go have bloods done in the morning, terrified they are gonna be bad still and I’ll end up in hospital.