My Mosaic

Well, that's good you are seeing them tomorrow and maybe it's good to keep an open mind @Bow. RiverSeal

TW- ED stuff.

I’m becoming very aware of how my body is coping… or not coping at the moment. And it’s feeling rather scary. I’m scared about what my bloods are going to say tomorrow. I’ve been watching my heart rate on my watch. 😩

Hey @Bow ,

It sounds terrifying. I'm sitting with you.

When I read your post in isolation, I didn't get it. I didn't know whether you would feel bad about getting good results or not good results. But now that I've spent time to go through all your other posts, am I right in saying you are terrified of getting bad blood results and may need an admission?

Sorry if I've got it wrong. This is all new to me. I'm not going to pretend I know anything, because I don't.

I guess it depends who your talking to @tyme

If your asking my ED/abuser/destroyer then yeah I’m scared of an admission, scared to be made well again, it’s whole purpose is to destroy me, make me so unwell that my body just quits.
If you’re asking the healthy adult self, well I guess I’d prefer not to have to have another admission. It sucks and is an inconvenience to everyone. But my gosh, some of the things that I have been feeling and experiencing have been real scary. And while I don’t want it, it’s maybe what I need again. But yeah I’m terrified of it too.
but this can’t keep happening. This vicious cycle. The revolving door.

not sure that really helps. I know this is heaps complicated and complex.

That's very clear @Bow . I hear what you mean when you said it depends on who you are talking to.

But yes, it's also way beyond me.

I just want you to know I'm here for you.

I'm sensing there are so many conflicting feelings within you and that makes it even harder to bear!

Hugs to you. A very tight one too.

Thank you @tyme i really appreciate that.

and yes your right, many conflicting feelings. It makes it very difficult to manage and cope. People… my supports, they ask me question, how I’m doing, what I’m feeling, what’s happening, why this why that. I’m finding therapy so difficult cause I don’t know the answers. I don’t know who is suppose to talk. Who is suppose to give the answers. We did a little bit of chair therapy last week…. I think that helped. But it was still hard and it’s not always accessible. It makes me feel very hopeless. I don’t see the possibility of it getting better.
I don’t have DID…. Which use to be called multiple personality disorder… that feels more fitting at times, I mean I don’t have these parts that take over like that, but there are definitely different parts inside… I think that’s why I related so much to schema therapy.
anyways rambling sorry

Hey @Bow ,

You're not rambling at all. In fact, you are opening my eyes to a lot of things that I know nothing or very little about...

chair therapy? I'll look that up. When I read that, I imagined someone doing things with a chair like sit on it, stand on it, pick it up, put it on their head... which I'm sure it's not lol!

I think I found Acceptance and Commitment Therapy very helpful once I 'got it'. Schema and Narrative therapy can also be helpful.. or a mixture of all!

However, you need someone who is skilled. I'm still surprised the psychologist doesn't really read what you write, and wants you to read it to them....

@tyme Chair therapy…. We sit in a circle with empty chairs… and each of the empty chairs is a different part. And I moved to each chair when we want to ask that part questions etc. instead of just trying to connect inside, I find the physical part of it helpful I think. Sometimes you talk at that chair too when you need to address that part.
I don’t know if that’s what it’s called, but I call it that. I guess it works well with schema therapy. My old psych did it a bit cause she was heaps interested in schema therapy. She’d have me kick chairs on my way out! We even put them outside the room.
I’ll have to tell you about a group that I am hopefully going to start attending…. But I need to sleep so it will have to wait til later.

Wow @Bow ! I love the idea of chair therapy!

I'll wait to hear more later this week when I'm on. Please take care.

Speak soon-ish.

Been reading along @Bow

Sending lots of love and support 💕💕