My Mosaic

I am so sorry to hear that @Bow, I have been reading and catching up on things and I know it's been a really difficult time for you.

I am here to support in whatever way I can - sitting with you. Please feel free to share 💜

Sorry I wasn’t here for you @Bow I was mowing the lawn.

Im sorry it’s just all too hard right now. I get the not wanting to face another day. Lots of appointments does take so much out of you. Is tomorrow a hard day for another reason?

On a downward spiral @lavenderhaze and it feels scary and yuck, but at the same time I don’t really care. I’m tired of fighting to stay in recovery. It’s too bloody hard. My ED has a firm grip of me.

tomorrow I see the cardiologist after having heart tests a few weeks back. Be nice to have a reason for my constant chest pains, but probably nothing. Then I see my psychologist. Then my temp case manager. And then I have my mindful journalling group. I’m already so tired.

Hey that’s ok @Captain24 i cheated…. Mum left money for me to get the lawn mower guy to come… he came today. It was pretty long! And it was raining 🌧️

yeah… tomorrows a hard day for another reason. I lost something I didn’t even want, but something I grieve. It still really hurts.

At least you didn’t have to do it @Bow. I actually managed it quite easily, which is a surprise.

Im sorry about your day. Does anyone in your team know about it? Reading between the lines, I think I might get it. It’s ok to grieve, it’s ok that it still hurts. I guess it brings up other memories with it. Maybe having a busy day will help distract you a little bit.

The mindful journal class may help you process your emotions of the day.

I hear you, @Bow!

Recovery can indeed feel like an uphill battle, with each step forward often accompanied by setbacks that can feel disheartening. It's okay to feel tired and overwhelmed by the constant effort required. But I want you to know that your exhaustion doesn't diminish your strength or the progress you've made.

That does sound like a marathon of a day, especially when you're already feeling drained. It's a lot to manage, both physically and emotionally. But I hope each appointment is a step towards understanding and addressing the challenges you're facing, including those chest pains that have been troubling you. It might be helpful to lean on the support around you during this time. Whether it's your psychologist, your CM, or the mindful journaling group, these spaces will hopefully offer opportunities for connection.

Above all, please be gentle with yourself. Recovery is not linear, and it's okay to have moments where you feel like you're struggling. Your worth is not defined by your ability to "stay in recovery" every moment of every day. You are deserving of compassion and care, especially from yourself.

I think people know, but don’t think they know it’s tomorrow @Captain24 noone has ever asked when it was. It’s like they all acknowledge the assault, know what happened as a result and moved on. But I haven’t moved on. I’ve known it’s been coming up.

im really not looking forward to my cardiologist appointment either. He will more than likely comment on my ED. Lecture me on the damage it can do to the heart.

Just know that I’ll be thinking of you @Bow. I know it’s not the same though. Can you tell your temp. CM maybe?

Oh.. the lectures. I do get the concern though but it doesn’t change anything. You hear it all but can’t seem to listen at the same time. If that makes sense.

It’s like climbing a hill @lavenderhaze I get a little way up, hit a bolder and then tumble all the way back to the bottom again. Things tend to get worse. I go round and round the bottom and dig the trench deeper and deeper. It’s absolutely exhausting and pointless really. Why even do it. Might as well just sit down and take up camp at the bottom. Really don’t see myself getting anywhere else. I see zero progress.

My support worker is coming to my cardiologist appointment. I appreciate her support. And then she runs the journaling group. Hopefully if the cardiologist has any unhelpful comments to make about what is going on and my ED my support worker can help me. I don’t need his unhelpful remarks.
my chest hurts tonight. Sometimes I just brush it off and think surely it’s just anxiety. But it really doesn’t feel like that.

I relate to a lot of what you're saying @Bow. There have been times in my life when I was so exhausted from trying hard but not getting results that I stopped putting in the effort anymore. When I look back at those times, I realise setting up camp at the bottom and taking my time was probably much needed. When we don't see any progress, we tend to label it as a failure, but maybe it's all part of the process. Sometimes, we do need days, weeks, and months to heal from the past, which should be okay. Life is hard, and everyone has their journey. You are doing this for the first time, and it's not an easy road, but just the fact you're here, and you're doing it every day - it's a huge achievement.

I am happy to hear that you will have some support, and hopefully, the cardiologist does not make any unhelpful comments. But if they do, then please reach out here and get some support! As for your chest pains, it's natural to try to brush them off as anxiety, but it's also valid to acknowledge when something feels different or concerning. Trusting your instincts and informing your doctor is an important step toward taking care of yourself.