Today has been really hard. Beyond hard.
Woke to the lovely gift the dog left me over night. Shit on the mat. I did not have time for this this morning. Had to be out the door in under an hour- I slept a bit late cause it was a shitty night. I was exhausted.
Dropped D at school and then off to my cardiologist appointment. All the previous tests and scans were all fine, but he had me do a stress test- dang that was hard. I use a treadmill every day, at a reasonable pace to build up a sweat, but not like this. End result- heart is fine. He suggested a chest X-ray and will report back to my gp. So great that my heart is fine, but frustrating that I don’t have an answer to my constant chest pains.
Then I went straight to my psychologist appointment. We checked in briefly and then I handed her a note. It explained what today was. We then spent the rest of the session talking about it. It was rough. I dissociated a lot. Cried a lot. And tried, but didn’t succeed much as putting words to what was inside. I verbalised some things that I’ve never communicated with anyone else before. We talked some things around safety. I told her some things around plans.
Then my temp CM. I gave my psych permission to give the CM a heads up on what today is and where my head is at, but maybe she didn’t wanna have a heavy conversation, cause she really did not acknowledge anything. 😩
I then went to my mindful journaling group. We started a series on strengths. I lasted about 15mins and then told my support worker I needed to go. It was too much. It was all too much. I was too raw and vulnerable. Overwhelmed and upset. And I could not identify any strengths or answer any of the questions that everyone was going around and sharing.
I went home. I lay in bed and cried. My support worker called me once she finished running the group and I eventually told her what today was and eventually agreed to her coming and doing a home visit. We chatted a bit. Tried to work out a safety plan for tonight, but not sure how that’s gonna go.
