My Mosaic

Oh no that sucks! Do you get indigestion often? @Jynx I had it real bad a couple of weeks ago… nothing really helped! Not even fruit tingles which usually gives me some relief.

yeah having my room tidy and clean and in order always makes me feel better. Looking around my room at the moment it certainly raises my anxiety! Nearly 2 weeks of cat fighting fur all over the carpet was the first thing I noticed when I walked in my room today. Just need to put everything back in its place.

Luckily not like this @Bow - I was a little nauseous at first so had a bit of leftovers to try to settle my tummy. Yeah, the nausea went away but then the next 5 hours my guts were in agony! Maybe something I ate? Was gnarly.

Yeah for sure, having a clear space helps to have a clear mind! And yet, I live in an absolute clutter gutter! Okay it's not unhygeinic so maybe gutter isn't right (but it rhymed so, shrug!) but it's almost always untidy. Cleaning is one of the biggest ADHD struggles I have, for sure.

I read my discharge summary this morning and I can not express how validating it was to read my primary diagnosis as anorexia nervosa. I don’t think it’s ever said that before, it’s always just been restrictive eating disorder. Let’s just name it as it is and as I have formally been diagnosed as. Although the gastro doctor didn’t want me there and tried to get rid of me as soon as he could and was very dismissive and invalidating, i feel seen and heard in that document and in those 2 words.

I seen my psychologist this morning and had the opportunity to unload about my hospital admission. We talked at length about what happened on the Sunday and how I was badly treated. My psych acknowledged my anger and upset and said that I had every right to feel that way. It was very justified. That felt reassuring to hear. She said that she could tell that I was still angry and upset about it cause I talked a lot! And she said that she could tell that I was doing some better cause I was more engaged- I guess this is proof that a starved brain is really of no use in a therapy setting. I took my bullet journal along and we also noted that as my hospital admission went along, there were significant changes in my logs.

I also seen my CM prior to seeing my psychologist. It was a short appointment, but we went over my meal plan and made sure that I was putting things in place to try and stick to it. Then she said that she is on leave for 3 weeks as of next week 😩 not great timing with mum being away. But she did say that I would be allocated to another CM for the duration of that time.
A new pdoc has been appointed too… and I have an appointment in about a months time. Anxious about that one!

mum asked how my appointments went when I got home… and then she asked whether I asked my CM about my old ED pdoc. I forgot to ask. I had been meaning to ask if someone would follow up and make an appointment for me cause I tried and she never got back to me. Mum then asked about the ED clinics around the place. We had a brief conversation about them while I was in hospital. You have to understand that mum and I really never talk about my ED. I am very private about it. And I don’t know if she just doesn’t know what to say, or just doesn’t want to acknowledge it. But yeah we never talk. But we did have a couple of conversations while I was in hospital. But yeah she asked about the clinics. I told her that the one public clinic is in such and such a place and is so hard to get into. And then she asked about the private ones that I had previously mentioned. And she asked whether I would consider them. I said no. And she said are you sure? Whether she was hinting at helping me cover the cost? I don’t know. But she knows I don’t have private health and can’t afford it. Anyways. It’s not just the cost. It’s the time away from home. And that they are not at all local to us. It would be very challenging for mum to get there to visit. And am I really sick enough (I know I know 😩 but that’s what I think)???

Anyways… I was late home from all my appointments as I had to go to bunnings and woolies… but I still made myself some lunch once I got home and ate it all. Little bit proud 🙂

@Jynx @Captain24 @Eve7 @Snowie

WOW….such a busy day @Bow . You sure have covered a lot and well done for lunch

Thanks for the informative update. It really does help me to support you better now that I can see the big picture with the inclusion of a diagnosis. Naming something means that people are on your side and listening to you.

I’m minding gd2 for a couple of days but have been on the couch since returning from the school run. Hope to get a better night’s sleep tonight.

To have a diagnosis would be validating. @Bow. I found it confronting and was in denial. Well done on eating lunch even though you were running late.

It sounds like your mum is trying to be supportive for you. I get the distance for the ED clinic making it hard for visitors especially since you have D. I guess it’s a long stay to aid in recovery?

Sounds long a really long day for you. After so much you must feel drained but at least you were engaged in your appointments. I hope you can get some rest and you feel a little proud of yourself for getting through.

Hey @Captain24 @Bow @Eve7 @Snowie 🙂

@Captain24 @Eve7 I’ve had a diagnosis for a few years now…. Atypical anorexia nervosa, but it has been my experience that whenever I have a hospital admission whether that be a medical one or a psych one, doctors have ignored that diagnosis and just written ‘restrictive eating’.

It is great that your diagnosis was acknowledged for this past visit. @Bow

Hello @tyme @Captain24 hope you are both having a good day.

@Bow aww wow, what an update, thanks for sharing hun. It really is wonderful to hear that you got such a validating feeling from your discharge form! I can imagine it is helping you to feel that your experiences are being acknowledged, and that there is recognition of the depth of your struggles. Same with how your psych session went! It's incredible, the power of being seen, heard, and understood.

Wow, it's all happening eh? Temporary new CM, new pdoc coming up; totally normal to have some trepidations! Is the pdoc a specialist in any particular area?

Sounds like your mum is trying her best to be supportive! I think sometimes when folks don't understand or know how to help, they just stay silent, because they're scared of saying the wrong thing. Maybe she was indeed hinting at helping with the cost! Only one way to know for sure, and that's to ask - but one step at a time eh? Maybe that can be a convo for when she gets back from her trip. You and your D got any special plans for while she's away?

I know you know in your logic-brain that you're definitely sick enough to need/deserve that kind of hands on specialist support. But it's also okay to have those doubtful thoughts - I can relate to them from the context of my ADHD. When I was first seeking a diagnosis for it, I was so conflicted, thinking that on some level I was lying about my symptoms and the impact they have on me, cos I was like "I'm just pretending so I can get meds" (meds that have a reputation for being used by neurotypicals to give them an edge on doing assignments/projects/etc.). I reckon it's a form of imposter syndrome, and it sucks that most literature I've read on imposter syndrome looks at it from a very neurotypical perspective; but I think it plays a huge role in complex mental health too.

What helped me was to really just take a step back from the thoughts and approach it with as much cold logic as I could - look at patterns of behaviour, the daily impacts the symptoms have on me and my ability to function, how it has influenced my concept of myself and impacted my relationships, stuff like that. Trying to take the 'me' out of it and look at it almost like I was a psych or dr looking at a case file really helped to contextualise it, and helped me see just how intense my ADHD really is! Sometimes seeing it all laid out on the page can be really confronting, but also really validating.

Yes yes yes you should be proud! I know I am! Hope it was a tasty lunch 😋

@Jynx It really does help to know that people do see my experiences and struggles and that they do take it seriously…. Which is a bit of a contradiction of my experience with the head doctor that I was admitted under. But I will still take it as a win. There certainly is power in being seen, heard and understood. My psych did say that it is sad how little understanding there is about ED in the medical field… even by MH workers.

I have no information about the new pdoc. I didn’t even think to ask if they were male or female. I will ask if I think about next time I am in.

I guess it’s a conversation I can have with mum when she gets back. Perhaps I could look for some stuff online that I could send her way to read up on so I can help her understand EDs a little more? I think the go to response for family and carers is to ‘just eat’. But we both know that that is the least helpful thing to say.

Having medical professionals think that I am lying or faking my symptoms is one of the biggest fears I have when seeking help. Especially when I am in a larger body and don’t look like you’re… I don’t wanna say typical cause it’s actually not typical, but how the media and society see an anorexic to look like. I get so scared that folks will just think I am trying to lose weight. Or that I am just vain. Or seeking attention. I guess that is the struggle with a lot of mental health conditions, there is often no physical evidence of someone struggle. That’s why blood tests can be so triggering and so invalidating for me. Cause the results say so much medically, but absolutely nothing of the internal mental struggle.

I could easily write you up a case study of myself. How my behaviours impact me on a daily basis, how it makes me physically feel, my ability to function in life and how it all affects my relationships…. Hmm I was going somewhere with that, but now I forget! But yeah, I think my logic brain knows I am sick enough… I think. But I am also like just snap out of it and eat bow. You’ve been doing this for long enough. You’ll never be emaciated enough to be sick enough for that kind of help and support.

lunch is always a cheese sandwich on my special extra soft white bread… I can only get it from a particular woolies for some reason. And a banana up and go. That’s my safe recovery lunch.

plans for while mum is away…. We are going to the Alice in wonderland ballet next weekend. Mum made my D an Alice dress. We will have some dance parties! That’s probably all. I have been TRYING to get Taylor Swift tickets! But no luck. Channel 7’s sunrise have 100 tickets to give away… im entering every day! Lol

how are YOU @Jynx ? How’s your day??