My Mosaic

@Bow I reckon there almost seems to be like, a taboo about talking about EDs! Makes it so incredibly challenging, to be ignored or erased. Like you say, there is a social view of what a 'typical' person with an ED is 'supposed' to look like and if you don't fit that mould, people can be so quick to invalidate! It's definitely understandable that you have that fear of being judged by professionals, so I am glad that you seem to have a lot of folks in your team who are knowledgeable, educated, and validating in their support.

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@Bow wrote:

I could easily write you up a case study of myself. How my behaviours impact me on a daily basis, how it makes me physically feel, my ability to function in life and how it all affects my relationships…. Hmm I was going somewhere with that, but now I forget! But yeah, I think my logic brain knows I am sick enough… I think. But I am also like just snap out of it and eat bow. You’ve been doing this for long enough. You’ll never be emaciated enough to be sick enough for that kind of help and support.

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Hmm - maybe part of what makes it hard to 'snap out of it' (or more accurately, to take those steps towards changing behaviours and moving forward in recovery) is the fact that because of that stigma, there is part of you that feels like you're still not sick enough, or that unless you 'look anorexic' you aren't really, so it needs to push harder to feel like the support you're receiving is valid. Does that make resonate?

I think that's a great idea, to find some literature or readings to show your mum. I truly believe in the power of education and psychoeducation! It can also help to take some of the emotional labour off of our own shoulders; I know how draining it can be to feel like you're trying to explain or argue the validity of your own experiences to someone.

Omg yay for ballet! Honestly one of the most impressive styles of dance in the world, how very special! I bet you'll both have an absolute ball...et (hehe, can't stay away from a good pun). And fingers crossed you can get lucky with some tickets! That would be super amazing I'm sure 💜

Hmm how am I.... I am good by and large, I managed to make some phone calls for appts I'd been putting off for like, 4 or 5 months 😅 So, proud of myself there! One of em is for a dentist appt this Friday. I haven't been in maybe 5 years (I know, naughty Jynx!) and I'm not looking forward to finding out how expensive it's going to be, I know I'm gonna need some fillings, hopefully nothing more intense than that. I've had a triple root canal in the past and it was NOT fun.

Otherwise, I am getting quite excited about an upcoming festival I'm going to in March. A friend of mine is doing the lighting for one of the stages so I'm going up for about 10 days to help set up and pack down. Gonna be a lot of hard work, but it'll be so nice to get out of the city for a while, do some physical labour instead of being on laptop all day, and enjoy some time in nature!!

I almost swore out loud @Jynx fu€k yes! That definitely resonates with me. My ED is always saying that I need to push harder, I need to look more like that person. I need to have more medical issues that that person has… so that people believe me. When I tell people that I have an eating disorder, there is that awkward silence. They look you up and down. I’ve even had someone make the comment ‘who you? No’. There is so much bloody shame.

it definitely feels like a taboo subject. It’s a mental illness after all…. But it’s a thin white vain teen girl issue. But the truth is EDs affect so many people. They do not discriminate. And they are so deadly. I want to say more. This makes this anger rise up in me…..

I’m sure the butterfly foundation will have some information that I can send mums way and there is some other organisation too… will have to google it and I’m sure the name will jump out at me once I see it.

oh I hate making phone calls! I put them off for so long. I’ve gotta rebook a couple of appointments that I missed while in hospital (cardiologist follow up and my oncologist review) and I’m sure that it will take me a while to make them calls. So good on you! And the dentist YUCK. I hate going and it’s been a few years for me too. Triple root canal, that would have been torturous!! I had the option to have root canal or pulling the tooth out. I had it pulled! I often clench my teeth in my sleep and it cracks my teeth. I have 2 missing teeth from cracks. I absolutely hate my teeth. I have a chip in one of my front teeth from when I fainted head first off a bench in year 12.

Your festival sounds fun. Never been to one…. But makes me think of that big festival thing that they had in the states last year that was totally rained out. People were stuck in there cause of the mud.

Hi @Bow

Slowly catching up hon

I am glad that you are out of hospital.

I hope things go well for you, especially when your mum is away.

Sending lots of love 💕💕

@Bow glad that it feels validating for you to have this recognised! Really hammers home that none of us exist in a vacuum, and how much influence our social and cultural context can have on our mental health. It's why I think holistic approaches that take into account the whole person AND their environment are the way to go. Understandable that it makes you angry!! Anger is fire, passion, motivation - maybe it could fuel your journey into peer support work some day. I can picture you being the one to be holding someone else's hand when they end up in hospital, have had a hundred drs or whoever invalidating their experience, and how much relief they would feel to have someone come along and tell them that they aren't alone.

Have you brought this perspective into your sessions, either with your psych or your dietician? Perhaps it could help to highlight how this stigma might be influencing your experiences and behaviours, and help you to find ways to build up some internal validation!

Ooh once you find that other organisation, feel free to share! I'm always looking for more resources and options for support, cos sometimes it can be frustrating for folks to have the same organisations/options suggested to them over and over!

Haha yep, we've got prime memberships in the hating phone calls club! So I'm pretty proud of myself for doing it - I believe in you, you can do it too!

Sucks about your poor tooth, ouch! I imagine it's very expensive to get fixed. My root canal was from chipping a molar on a Fantale, and of course I managed to leave it that way for like three years, just three whole years with half a molar missing, the nerve totally exposed. How I didn't figure out I had ADHD sooner I will never know 🤣 (okay I do know, it's lack of awareness and all the stereotypes about ADHD meaning I never knew what it actually was!)

Yeah it can be a bit dicey, being so subjected to whatever the weather is doing! One year at this festival, it was SO windy that there were full-on dust whirlwinds, I even saw a tent or two go flying! But since I'm on the volunteering crew this year, I'll be camped in the nice protected area under the trees. Phew!

I'll be logging off for the evening soon, so I might say goodnight now just in case! Was a bloody pleasure chatting as always, and it warms me to hear of your progress and successes today!! I'll be back round tomorrow of course, and I'm gonna be on PGC, if you find you have the energy for it 😊

Hey @creative_writer I’m doing ok today, although am super tired and lethargic. I went and had a blood test this morning and have been laying in bed since.

im sorry that you too have experienced invalidation in terms of your disordered eating. It truly sucks.

That’s the kind of peer work role I would love to do @Jynx i remember my first admission to ICU, mental health and to visit me but I really could not speak hardly, so the support was practically non existent. And then I never seen anyone else again from mh while there for that admission. I thought, I’d love to do peer work and provide support to folks who wake up from an attempt. Someone to just listen. To advocate perhaps. Someone in the ED to talk to, again to listen. You sit there for hours waiting to speak with mh and you are just expected to sit there in crisis in an overstimulating environment with security guards probably watching you, other mh patients around you who may trigger you. I know having someone to talk to would have made a world of difference for me. Someone to make me cuppa, grab something to eat. A blanket. You’re often treated like third class citizens in the ED. A nuisance.

No don’t think I’ve mentioned it to my supports.

I found that other website…. You might of come across it before. My old

psych use to give me handouts from their website. Centre for clinical intervention they were actually the first clinic in the world to be trained in CBT-E. They have a heap of facts sheets for EDs.

I’ve just finished watching Mr Bates vs the post office @creative_writer it started last night on TV. It was really good. Based on a true story.
Nah I was already feeling pretty tired before I had my bloods done.

EDs and disordered eating is so widely misunderstood. Which is so sad considering how many are impacted by it. And yes it’s horrible when people comment on our bodies and our sizes. Weight loss in larger bodies is always so celebrated. I remember someone commenting on my weight loss some years ago. I felt so uncomfortable. If only they knew the truth.