My Mosaic

I hope your afternoon has gone well and D is enjoying it. @Bow

‘ can’t do that to mum’… many things @Jynx financially yes. Couldn’t leave her own her own. We had a discussion when my step dad started to get more and more ill and mum was facing a future without him. She said ‘you won’t leave me on my own will you?’ And I said no. Never.

a job… I really don’t know. I couldn’t go back to my old work, too stressful. It’s been so long since I’ve been in the workforce I don’t know where I would start. Ultimately I’d love to do peer work. In a hospital.

went and got my meds, a 7/11 slushy, picked up my Kmart order- Lego red roses, one for my D and one for mum for tomorrow 🙂 and 2 canvases to colour with my D.
then I went to coles. Oh boy. That was an effort. A struggle. Shopping for food for me to eat. So overwhelming. I got some cereal. Something for dinner tonight cause mum wasn’t expecting me home so didn’t have anything out for dinner. It’s so hard to buy food when you are not at all hungry and don’t want to eat.

I also had a call from my CM. She seen that I had been discharged. I explained to her that I felt it was very rushed and briefly told her why…. But she said that she read the notes from the dietitian that said she was happy with my intake. Sigh. So how can I argue with that????

thanks @Captain24 d was so excited to see me at school pick up… she ran so fast up to me and threw herself onto me. Was such a beautiful hug.

@Bow ach, that is so, so tough. I know your mum is just scared, and can understand why she'd say that... but it's also a LOT of pressure to put on your shoulders, and in my opinion it's a deeply unfair thing to ask of a person. It takes away your agency, and puts the onus of responsibility on your shoulders to care for her. She's a big girl, and whilst losing a partner is devastating, that doesn't necessarily mean that you should be obliged to fill his shoes. I'm sorry, I know I'm opinionated about this but I can really see how much impact it is having on your life, your choices, and your independence.

If you wanted to do some peer work, a good place to start might be with some volunteering? Or even seeing how you go picking up a short course at TAFE or something. You could even look into SANE's Peer Guide programme!

Oh yay more lego! And yeah I bet, grocery shopping is a sensory nightmare at the best of times, let alone when the very concept of food is such a complicated factor in your life.

Hmm... sounds like your CM and the treating team have a lot of faith in you. I do too, for the record. Perhaps you could try to let yourself believe that their faith is well placed? Sometimes when we're at war with ourselves, and our minds are lost in the dark, it can help to try to see ourselves through the eyes of others, and choose to believe that they can see in us what we may not be able to. If that makes sense.

Aww hope you and the little one are having a sublime afternoon 😊💜

Oh I see the impact that it has on my life, my choices and my independence too @Jynx i think we were both very vulnerable at the time of that conversation… she had been told her husband was terminal and my marriage had just ended. But I feel very trapped in a situation that I genuinely can’t get out of.

yeah I could potentially do some volunteer work. But I think it maybe unwise to do volunteer peer work straight away, especially when things are still not great for me. Maybe later down the track. Maybe I just need some work that doesn’t require much… mental effort? Studying could also be an option. I looked into tafes peer work course ages ago but it wasn’t available to me for whatever reason. And I’m not in the right area for the SANE peer course- I looked at that!

y’all have so much faith in me… I just don’t have it in myself. I know I’ll go back to my bad ways in no time.

@Bow Perhaps your mum could understand that too? That it was a time where you were both particularly vulnerable? People can change their minds, and circumstances can shift, our needs are always changing as we change - just because you made a promise back then, it doesn't mean that you're shackled to this situation. Maybe chat to your psych, when you feel ready, about how you could potentially approach that situation with your mum. Sounds like she's become dependent on you, which is very unfair when you are trying to move towards recovery. Promises don't have to be forever, and healthy relationships are ones where we allow flexibility and room to grow.

Totally legit that you don't feel ready, and yeah something where you can just clock in, clock out, without much mental effort, could be good to help you get back into a rhythm of working again, help you to then decide what the next steps might be. You could even start with something like uber driving or door dash delivery - some friends of mine have done it. Not the most profitable endeavour, but you can choose your own hours, and with food delivery there's not a lot of socialising required.

Course we got faith in you! Cos I know you're capable of moving forward. Our narratives become our truth, remember that hun. If you say you 'know' you'll go back to bad ways then it feels inevitable. But if you tell yourself that you 'might' go back, but you'll try your best not to, then it's more likely you'll be able to start breaking free of that cycle.

Yeah I don’t even know if I want to have that conversation @Jynx its just too hard. I feel too trapped.

hmmm…. It does feel inevitable though. I’ve only been home for a few hours and I already feel my mh starting to slip. Trying to stay around my d and mum. Keep my head out of my thoughts, but it’s hard.

I seen this quote this morning and thought I could relate in how much my mood and my mh changes throughout the day….

 
I did this one a couple of days ago too…. Thought I’d you while doing it @Captain24

You are so good @Bow. You surprise me more and more each time you share. Your talent…

Thanks for thinking of me. I have heard that once or twice in this past little while!

Can definitely pop it on the shelf for now @Bow but I think unless you do have that conversation, you may always feel trapped. But we do always, always have a choice.

Hopefully once your mum heads off, you'll be able to just focus on you and your D, so hold onto that 💜

Oh good ol Alice in Wonderland! An excellent quote for sure. I think the nature of the self is always changing, we are the sum of our experiences and each day can change us in the smallest of ways. Reminds me of this quote, from Stephen Fry:

For me I find it quite freeing to feel like I don't have an identity set in stone, that I can choose every day to create myself, to be who I am right now.

And that second quote is also divine! You doing anything to nourish yourself tonight hun? Me, I think I will try to do a bit of cleaning. Not fun, but still nourishing.

Yep on the shelf it shall go to collect a whole heap of dust! @Jynx

I’ve just curled up in bed. Watched tv with mum for a while. I ate dinner! But it was a struggle. I’ve just finished doing my journal and have built my Lego roses for tomorrow.

tomorrow I want to unpack and clean my room. And I have my CM and psych appointments too.

how did you house inspection go?

Aww sounds super nourishing! Yay!

Oh that, haha I postponed it @Bow I was up all night saturday because I had indigestion or something, my guts were absolutely aching! Which meant Sunday I had absolutely zero energy for cleaning 😖

Gives me more time to get the yard a bit more under control, and I had to move a couch out so I could clean the lounge room properly. Hopefully for both of us a spot of cleaning will help put our minds at ease!