My Mosaic

Thanks @Snowie your day been ok?

Yeah trying to remind myself of that @Jynx so hard when I am reminded of it multiple times a day.

It feels like such a process. Something that feels like I have forgotten to do. Like how do I get it from a to b. And it seems that the menu lady either misses me or just doesn’t get around. So I am having no choice in what I get. And although the choices feel overwhelming and the majority of the time it just goes to waste, but having a choice and having food that feels manageable and safe, is important and it feels like I have some kind of control. I should mention it to the dietitian when I next see one.

It was nice to chat with my friend today. I missed a call from her yesterday when mum and D were here. It was a bad line though. But they are home earlier than I thought! So that is good.

how has your day been @Jynx

@Bow yeah definitely, I can relate to that in my own lil way - I was a 'fussy eater' as a kid (a.k.a. undiagnosed neurodiverse sensory issues) which has continued in small ways into adulthood. Got certain 'safe foods' and there's still foods I can't touch, and times when even if something tastes delicious on my tongue, it's like my brain refuses to engage the swallow action. I know it's obviously quite different in terms of our circumstances and the machinations behind the struggle. But the baseline is that eating is such a basic task that I think most people take it for granted that it is 'easy', cos it isn't always.

Would it help to chat to the nurses about the food you're being served? Get them to pass a message along so you don't have to wait for dietician?

My day has been pretty chill, had a zoom session with my psychologist which was pretty good. Psych noted that once again, it is super easy for me to talk about how my friends feel about a situation, but hard for me to identify my own feelings. Something I'm working on!

When do you see your Mum n D next?

Oh that’s interesting about your food struggles @Jynx and that you have safe foods and foods that you won’t touch. Is it a lot to do with the texture? And yes I very much relate to the food tasting good but the struggle to swallow.
I remember when I was in my rehab program many years ago and there being a lot of girls there that had EDs. We were never allowed to talk about our problems amongst ourselves or know why each other was there, but it was obvious who was there for EDs cause they had to sit at their desk for 1hr after each meal. I really struggled to comprehend the difficulties in being able to eat. But I can totally relate now. And it’s so very complex. A lot of my nurses will check in with me after meals and ask if I ate anything, and when I say no they ask why? I always feel puzzled, is it cause they don’t actually know why I am here fully or cause they don’t understand EDs.

yes I could probably mention it to my nurse.

oh identifying feelings is super hard! I struggle with that big time. My pdoc pulled the feelings wheel out at my last appointment. She was trying to explain that one feeling has an opposite feeling and that I was experiencing that opportunity feeling…. Sorry can’t remember in what context it was in relation to. But I wasn’t understanding it and wasn’t feeling that feeling!
Are your sessions always via zoom?

D goes to her fathers after school tomorrow so they won’t be in until Friday after school. But support worker is back tomorrow!

dinner has just arrived…. Let’s see what I’ve got!

@Bow yes texture is HUGE! Like if there's something crunchy in a meal my brain expects to be soft it's like ERROR 404: SWALLOWING NOT FOUND 🤣 It's why I always struggled to eat things mixed together like salads or stir fries. I'm much better with them nowadays but as a kid, all my veggies had to be raw and separate on the plate haha.

Hmm maybe next time someone questions you on why you haven't eaten you could be a little bit... cheeky? Sassy? Like... "Because the eating disorder gremlins stole my appetite"

Or you could do it in a way that raises awareness, like "Because my brain has been rewired by trauma so significantly that it sees basic human functions as a threat." Sometimes people don't actually mean to perpetuate stigma, but it's purely cos of a lack of experience.

Yeah sometimes even with the feelings wheel I still can't quite pinpoint it! I think my mood metre is a little broken haha. I did a drawing of it once and shared it here with someone else, I'll see if I can rustle it up.

Nah not always zoom, but my therapist lives an hour away and if I am having trouble sleeping it's helpful to not have to interrupt what little sleep I am getting by having to haul arse off to the other side of the city. I do prefer in person though, but my psych is quite skilled and still gets me thinking and connecting pretty well over the digital interface.

How did dinner go? Was it a safe food?

Oh can you do something like nachos @Jynx ?? A mixture of crunchy and soft? Can I ask whether your parents thought it was an issue? Or did they think just typical fussy kid? My daughter is heaps fussy! And I know she has issues with texture. I asked her gp a couple of years ago and she said it’s not really something to worry about. I find it more frustrating than anything else!

I had a dr come in a few minutes ago… I think there was a mix up cause he looked like he was coming in to insert a new cannula with the ultrasound machine. But my cannula is working fine! But he asked if I was ok. If I was eating- cause dinner was on the table. I said no and he of course asked why and I said cause I had an ED. He was like oh ok in awkward tone. Then he left! Lol. ….. I like that raising awareness and the trauma comment but I’d never remember that in the moment!

mood meter? Care to explain?

that’s good that you have that option to do zoom or in person. I also much prefer in person. Are your sleep problems ADHD related?

dinner…. Vegetable and lentil soup, which is actually one of my fav hospital soups. I’m glad there was soup. It feels like a more manageable and safer food at the moment. But I couldn’t do it. Main meal actually gave me a bit of a giggle. Meatballs, peas, corn and steamed potatoes…. One tiny tiny potato amongst a sea of peas and corn. Was hoping for a juice cause I’ve been managing them but I got tea… yuck.

@Bow I wouldn't do nachos as a kid but I do now! But like... I don't put sour cream on it cos of texture and temperature. And I'm reeeaaallly picky about guac - hate lumpy guac and it has to not really taste that much like avocado cos to me avocados taste like grass.

If your D is anything like me she will be fine! Once I moved out of home and started cooking for myself a lot changed, cos I had control over how it was prepared. Like with onion, I make sure it's cut really small! Actually most stuff is made better by cutting it up super small - my stir fries for instance are all very tiny bits! Unlike most takeaway where there's like, whole chunks of broccoli and onion and stuff. Sometimes I've taken to a too-chunky stir fry with a pair of scissors 🤣

Haha that doc didn't know what to do with himself. Just had a funny idea - print it out on a business card lol, or even just write it on a note that you can hold up any time someone asks. Cos then they'll also realise just how often you get people questioning you on it!

Yeah so mood meter is something I came up with to explain my emotional threshold. Cos I'll be super fine and then hit a point where I go 0-100 real quick. I'll be seemingly okay even though there's stressful or upsetting things happening, but then hit a point and will suddenly burst into tears/sobs/be inconsolable for a while. So to illustrate, imagine those like, fire danger signs that warn you how likely a fire might be, and there's a lil pointer they move across. This is what I drew up:

Hope you can read my messy scrawl haha. Also I regret writing 'regular folks' cos we're all different, and there's no such thing as normal. But I can't be bothered going back and changing it so just pretend I wrote "Other folks" or something instead. Does it make sense to you though? Can you relate?

Yeah my sleep is whacky cos of my ADHD, I'm naturally a night owl but apparently the world is run by morning people 🤣

Haha noooo hate it when they stinge on potatoes! So when it was one of your favs, you still found yourself blocked/unable to swallow hey? That's super rough. Could you ask for a lil juice later? Does your appetite/lack thereof fluctuate, like could you save some soup for later and try again?

Hehe your nachos @Jynx ! I love nachos (daughter hates them) and the more sour cream and lumpy guac the better!! But I can totally understand how it could be a whole texture overload for someone. I don’t think guac has any particular taste to it.

I did have a little giggle about attacking stir fry with scissors!! You need one of them cutting up gadgets that cuts everything up tiny in one push. Our cupboard is full of food that my daughter used to love and then suddenly decided that she didn’t like anymore! Is fairy bread a yay or nay for you? Daughter loves it! She certainly doesn’t starve! Dutch curry and rice packet soup is a staple at the moment which I just don’t understand with her other flavour likes and dislikes. But she has it for lunch every day when home.

haha, when I was writing about the last doctor I did think maybe I’ll make a sign. Stick it on the end of my bed or something.

I totally relate to your mood meter. Going from 0-100 in seconds. Multiple times a day. I’m still doing my bullet journal and some days I really struggle to pick which one to pick for the day. I really like how you describe your weird-assbrain! Holy f#!k lol cause that’s what it can be like.

more psychs and therapists should do late after hour appointments for folks that struggle with sleep. It’s pretty common for folks with mh issues to sleep late and miss half the day.

yep still a struggle with food that I like. I’ve had mum bring in some of my safe foods… just cause hospital food is so unpredictable. So I have something if/ when I feel like I could give something a go. And I have heaps of packets of biscuits from the morning tea/ arvo tea and supper ladies. D eats some of them too!
I saved a yoghurt the other morning. I really like yoghurt. But of course it doesn’t last long out of the fridge so it ended up in the bin. I really don’t have any appetite. I guess my NG feds fill me up a little bit.
but oh my gosh my bladder!! They flush my tube with a heap of water every 4 hrs to avoid blockage and my bladder ain’t use to all that fluid! I could go all day without going, now I feel the urge to go and get busting so quick! Not felt that for a long time!

Hi @Bow

Hoping things are getting a little easier for you hon. Been thinking of you lots.

💕💕

@Bow there's cutting gadgets? Ooooh! All I can think of is a Slap Chop!! I remember seeing infomercials about it, is that kinda what you mean?

Oh fairy bread! My gosh I haven't had it since I was a kid. I'm not surprised your D loves it, it's literally a sugar sandwich 😂

My same-food of choice for the last little while has been these Belvita biscuit sandwich thingos, they're so good!

Never even heard of Dutch curry, I guess it'd be similar to German curry? Always love a good curried bratwurst 😋

Did you end up making a sign? You could even make it all pretty with your incredible drawing skills.

Multiple times a day is a lot of emotional turbulence! Well feel free to steal that image if it ever could be helpful for you to talk about your emotions with your supports 💜

Yeah very much agree with the need for more late night supports. Seems the world is on a strict 9-5 schedule, despite the fact that our mental health has no such time restrictions.

Oh noooo I bet it's such a pain having to run to the bathroom every few min! I know for myself that if I'm not going to the loo an irritating amount, I'm probably dehydrated 😅

How are you feeling today anyway?