My Mosaic

@Jynx ! Your back! Happy new year 🥳

did you have a nice break with your family?

I think cause these memories don’t give me much choice in remembering them. When my brain and body make me remember them constantly throughout the day, it is very hard to move on from it. It’s hard to live in the present when my body is constantly thrown back into the past with painful flashbacks… and nightmares. If they weren’t around, then yes, it might be a bit easier. But how does one stop them???
It’s cause of them both that I feel like it’s an impossible task.

Thanks @Melbcoffeesnob and yes I have made it through this anniversary a couple of times before, not unscarred though and not without significant risk. That is what scares me about this time of the year. Because I have no control over how my body remembers it, I fear acting impulsively and doing something that can not be undone.

tonight? I am going to give bullet journalling ago this year. I’m not good at all with keeping a journal, but I’ve seen these all over TikTok and have decided it might be a bit different. So I am in the process of setting one up. Lots of line drawing. Grids. I just want to get them done so I can start using it. Then the fun part is making the pages all pretty.

what about you?

It was a super nice time @Bow thanks for asking! Lot's of time at the beach, caught up with an old friend, and had a blast playing with my niece and nephew. How did your xmas go?

I wish I had an answer for you. I really need to finish reading The Body Keeps the Score, because all the stuff about treatment and helpful things to try is in the final chapters... 😅

I guess the hopeful thing though is that it's not impossible, the brain is flexible and can be rewired. Hold onto that hope 🤞💜

Glad it was a nice time for you @Jynx

Christmas was ok. Bit emotional for all of us. Bro, SIL and niece came- niece kept us all on our toes- she’s 18mths. And D got spoilt!

I need to get in and read some more of that book too. I’ve only just started it though. Long way to go!

Be good if the brain could just forget. I’d really like that. But I suppose that wouldn’t really work though… I don’t know. I just know that I’d like to not remember these things. My brain has never really forgotten any of the bad things…. I know some survivors block it out until some time later… not me. I’ve always know. I’ve always remembered. Makes me wonder…. If the brain develops differently if it knows about all these trauma things from the beginning. Or if you grow up not knowing these things happened and they only come to light years later…

Aww bless @Bow sounds like a wholesome time for all 😊

Maybe we can set a goal together to try to finish it by the end of the year? Then we can chat about it and compare notes/impressions/lessons to take home from it! Just a thought 😉

Hmm that's a super interesting speculation! I know for myself, I never really thought of my trauma as trauma - meant I was swimming with guilt and shame about not coping/having suicidal thoughts when I thought I had no reason for them. I guess everyone's journey is different, which is part of why I stopped comparing my story to others'. Do you think things would be different for you if it had popped up in your memories later in life?

I reckon that’s a goal I could set myself @Jynx ! I have so many books that I would like to read. But this one is beside my bed and I want to get it read. @NatureLover said it’s really good…

Yeah, true, everyone’s journey is very different and very individual.
I certainly do wonder if all the crap I went through when I was younger…. If I didn’t know about it, if I didn’t remember it, whether I would have grown up a different kid, a different teen. Would I of been more confident? Could I of taken different paths in life? One will never really know I guess.
but living a life believing that something is intrinsically wrong with you….

@Bow yeah what I've read so far is amazing. Really just breaks it all down in a way that makes so much sense, and looking at it as a psychological injury instead of something wrong with the person is such a powerful and important perspective to my mind.

There can certainly be a type of grief for 'the life that could have been' and it's very okay to feel that. I think so long as we don't get too caught up in that longing that we forget to live the life we do have. It really sucks that you developed that belief from a young age, and it's a feeling I can relate to for sure. But like we're learning from the book - having a psychological injury, even a persistent one from our formative years, is something that can be healed, and has nothing to do with some fundamental flaw in our nature as a human being. You are complete, whole, and worthy just as you are right now, no matter what was told to you over the years!

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@Bow wrote:

When my brain and body make me remember them constantly throughout the day, it is very hard to move on from it. It’s hard to live in the present when my body is constantly thrown back into the past with painful flashbacks… and nightmares. If they weren’t around, then yes, it might be a bit easier. But how does one stop them???

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I think the answer lies in facing the trauma in therapy, over years, a little at a time. I know that's the only way I could stop "living out of my trauma" and move on with my life. The constant anger and constant remembering stopped.

Of course I sometimes remember my abuse and trauma, but it doesn't sting as much or take over my life now.

If the flashbacks are coming up, they need to be dealt with by talking about them in therapy. Or writing about them. They need to get out or they'll keep screaming at you constantly. So your dot point journalling might be useful for that...?

I know it's incredibly painful to face...but you've said you can't keep living like this, with the constant flashbacks.

@Bow

Pooie shiity yucky day

I can’t anymore

Here for you @Bow - anything you wanna get off your chest?