My Mosaic

Rough day @Jynx

last night was difficult. Unhelpful coping behaviours. Then nightmares again. It’s exhausting. Not sleeping well constantly.

psychologist appointment this morning. Lots of checking in with her about how the last fortnight has gone, trying to be honest with her about a lot of bad things that I have done. Fessed up with her about the infection I have- crapping myself about my gp appointment tomorrow in regards to that. And then I was having a lot of intense body sensations and flashbacks in session and then dissociating. It’s the first time that’s happened with my new psych.

I walk out of that appointment and into my pdoc appointment. She gave me some effervescent vit and min tablets last time I seen her just before Christmas- one a day. I didn’t touch them. I need to. Told her I would- an empty promise. We talked about my SI. How it’s increased the last couple of days. Not wanting to be here. Not wanting to face the coming weeks. More empty promises made about that.

she is letting me stay on the nightmare meds until the end of the month. Then I have to wean off them. She is letting me have prn meds for the day, again until the end of the month. Everything is until the end of the month. Until I get through the trauma. No one remembers what happened as a result of the assault. That’s still to come. And then that lose. They aren’t acknowledging that that is still to come. they want to pull back on supports at the end of the month. Weekly med supplies. Do I trust myself- no. But they seem to trust me.

tomorrow I see my CM for the last time. She leaves on Friday for maternity leave. They do not have a replacement for her yet. I don’t know who my new CM is going to be. At a super difficult time of the year. A time where I need that bit of extra support… I’m expecting to just speak to whoever is the liaison officer is. I’m not ok with this.

then I went to my wellness journalling group. The topic today was writing a love letter to yourself. I couldn’t do it. I just journaled about how much I hate myself. How much I punish and try to destroy myself. I poured so much out onto the paper and then I felt like crap for the rest of the afternoon.

and I still do.

Thanks for taking the time to share @Bow I hope it has been helpful to write it all out. You got so much on your plate at the moment, sounds like things have been going downhill - which, considering what you've shared about how difficult this time of year is for you, is understandable.

Did you let them know that you are in need of that higher level of support in terms of getting a new CM?

As for the letter - it's genuinely hard to write something like that when it is so deeply uncomfortable to show self-compassion. Just an idea, could you take what you wrote today and find just one thing about it that you could reassure yourself about? Or take another crack at it, and just keep it super simple - "I am struggling, but I keep getting back up and trying, despite everything" or "I am proud of myself for being honest with my psychologist today" or something like that.

@Jynx My pdoc said it needs to be a priority that I get allocated a new CM, but from what my CM said in my appointment that is very unlikely. They seem to be very understaffed at the moment. I don’t know if they have advertised for a replacement but this is a situation that they have known about for what… 6 mths. So they have had time. My CM kept saying that I always have the option to call through to the ‘team’. And the liaison officer always calls back asap. But that is not the prefer option for me. I don’t want to have to keep repeating myself. Reshaping what is going on. I can’t do that. I need someone that knows. That knows me.

the other girl there today found the letter so easy to do. She listed off all her good qualities just like that. They rolled off her tongue.
I didn’t share mine.

I can’t even say those things about myself @Jynx not today. I’m trash. Bad. Nasty person. Nothing good about me ever. Been hurling verbal abuse at myself all afternoon. The screams inside my head are so blooddy loud and relentless. They won’t stop. I can see where tonight is going to end

@Bow ach, that's very frustrating. I hope they sort their stuff out asap and can get you paired up with someone solid and reliable. Stability is underrated with how much it can help our mental health journey - just knowing what to expect, having a routine, and having that trust that you will be able to see the same person and actually progress, rather than starting from scratch all the time. Fingers crossed they get you sorted soon.

Nothing is written in stone hun, you might just be your own worst enemy at the moment but doesn't mean self-compassion is completely out of reach. And if it feels too hard to even try, then remember - you'll never have to do today again. You can start over tomorrow. Maybe right now it's just about getting through each hour, each minute, with deep breaths and slow steps.

You still here @Jynx ?

I’m not @Jynx but I’m here if you need @Bow

I’m here too @Bow and I’m hearing you loud and clear.

If you can’t be kind to yourself I can stand in the gap and be kind for you.

You are lovable 🩵💙🩵

Good morning @Bow

Sorry to read that things have been hard for you hon. Please know that we are here for you. @

💕💕

I narrowly avoided a trip to the hospital this morning. My gp wanted to send me. Some things happened overnight- ED related, that really concerned her. I didn’t wanna go, so she had me go do a heap more blood work done and a dreaded ecg.
I’m ok- I just feel pretty depleted today. I’m safe. My support worker is aware of what happened to, and we are going back to my gp tomorrow for a check up.
And I’m on more antibiotics for my infection 😩

I also seen my CM this morning. Last time seeing her as she goes on mat leave. I didn’t tell her anything of what happened last night. Probably should have. Oh well. But I do now have a new CM allocated to me. The one that I requested too. So that is good. I hope she is a good fit.

@Bow Sorry to hear you had a rough night hun. I hope you get back good results from your tests/checkup.

I'm glad to hear you got your requested CM though! When will you be meeting up with her?