Checking In

Hi @BlueBay @MDT

Just a bit of work on my side. I'm taking it easy. Not stressing over things that don't get done.

Work will always be there.

Nonna @BlueBay spaghetti sounds so enticing!
Yum!

BPDSurvivor

Hi @BPDSurvivor dropped car off for repairs, have ph appt v soon, had forgotten. Mirror says should have had haircut last week, so after car picked up guess re 'special' lol

.. I am not the Fairest of them all @MDT lol

yeah not that either @MDT just waiting to pick car up from garage. Hulk Hogan is on Walker Texas Ranger lol a viewing highlight ha ha

Hello @oceangirl

It gives me great pleasure to know that what I have offered has significance and that you have enjoyed reading it. Thank you very much for your feedback.

Just hope that this edition is not too much!!!

Long term friendships and relationships are difficult to change. We often have a great deal 'invested', particularly in our longer term friendships and relationships. Such relationships actually constitute a significant part of our lives, whether positive or negative in balance and effect on us. It then becomes a matter of carefully considering the impact of those and other relationships, on our lives, in part, to determine whether they should continue. Questions arise. Are their effects positive for each of the friends? Whether new personal boundaries should be formulated within them? Are the negative impacts, perceived to be sufficient or so much, as to give us reason to consider letting them go. If we decide to retain the friendship, it may be appropriate to re-frame, in the present context, certain issues in our own mind, or actually clarify with the other person, the import of statements, or views, that have been made or expressed previously. We may, in this way, further cement the links in our relationship, or find that the original reasons for engaging and maintaining the friendship are no longer apparent or viable.

I like your observation about mindset as being fixed (closed), and open, with the latter allowing the constant potential for growth and development. Our early childhood is the place and time where many of our schemas or patterns of belief and behaviour have originated. Those schemas or patterns of belief and behaviour, can and do change during our life, by what is referred to as addition and assimilation. By such natural processes, we add new patterns or schemas, by addition, and can also change existing patterns or schemas, by assimilation of other ideas and perspectives, into the existing schemas. Therapy often uses this capacity that we have, in a way that is structured and can seem artificial, but is very often effective. However, the more we have invested in, or are attached to any such schemas, beliefs or patterns of behaviour, the more resistance there can be to such change, even, what may be considered to be, beneficial change(s).

I also agree with you in believing that our mindset, schemas, beliefs and patterns of behaviour are very important in our development of quality of life. Awareness of this belief often makes it difficult to understand why, at times, we can be resistant, to what would logically appear to be a change for the better. Sometimes it may simply be a case of a known against an unknown. At other times, it can be difficult to change a pattern of behaviour, a schema or belief, that has been adopted or developed as a self-protective or self-defensive mechanism. During the process, we sometimes have to consciously drop such self-protective/defensive mechanisms, within the safety of a therapeutic environment, in order that we replace older, less functional mechanisms, with newer internal structures, schemas, beliefs or patterns of behaviour, that will, in your words

“helps us navigate through life and the challenges we face.”

In my case, I believe that the hyper-vigilance that is still evident to some degree, originally developed from my constant alertness and awareness of any situation where my behaviour, activity or mode of speech, might have aroused a distinctly aggressive, antagonistic and severely disruptive response from my father, for which responses, I had become conditioned to believe, were my fault. Later, part of my internal resistance to developed awareness and preparedness to change my own developed schema was, paradoxically, an unwillingness to acknowledge and direct responsibility to my father for his inappropriate behaviour – a form of defence on his behalf.

The hyper-vigilance and fear of repercussions, continued to become one of the patterns of my behaviour, one of my schemas, and internalised as a belief about myself, that I carried into my adult life. However, I was not consciously aware of all these parameters. I simply thought it was a normal part of life for others, as it was for me, even though my brother was treated quite differently. My lack of personal awareness, and even my smothered sense of personal identity, contributed additional reasons for which these developed beliefs and patterns of behaviour were never questioned by me. Later in my life, that questioning did occur as a result of counselling that I had sought for other events and occurrences, that I would consider to be, in part, a result of my maladaptive behaviours. Much later, or more appropriately, recently, my mother told me that she had asked my father to take me to speak with a psychologist when I was about 11 yrs of age, with regard to the issues between him and me. He refused. I believe he feared that such action could reflect badly on him. Support of my developed schema also existed in the fact that I never wanted to impose the sorts of behaviour that I had experienced from my father, on anyone else. The fear that I may possibly be responsible for any such action led to the avoidance characteristic. The fear that I had was, I believe, totally unfounded in reality. At this stage, I was not only fearful for myself, but also developing what I would believe to be an unfounded fear of harm coming to others through me.

Possibly, in my childhood, and certainly, in my adult life, that behaviour was maladaptive, and dysfunctional; but at the time, as a self-defensive/protective reaction, it must have seemed useful, from my perspective as a child. For the most part, as an adult, it was no longer required, if it ever was required in my childhood, but still existed as part of my established schemas or behaviour patterns. That behaviour consumed a lot of unnecessary psychological, emotional and, I believe, physical energy. The expenditure of all those forms of energy, as a result of my own response to situations, contributed a great deal to constant feelings of tiredness, and often, withdrawal from social interaction, that I also found so draining, When I joined social groups, or could not avoid social interaction, my established pattern of behaviour, schema, belief about myself, involved consequent attempts to ameliorate any possible negative effects of my own presence and behaviour, on others. Hence the hyper-vigilance. This was maladaptive, in that, generally, my presence would not normally have created or contributed to a situation whereby any harm or ill-effect would be likely to exist, much less, imposed on others. However, my maladaptive behaviour continued with all that unnecessary expenditure of energy.

I believe that the “fawn/compliant surrender” response, was expressed by me, as an adult, in limiting or withdrawing myself, and containing my activity to only that necessary in any particular circumstance, thereby, protecting others from “exposure to me, or effects that may occur as a result of my presense”, based on my fear that harm could arise to or for them. It was also particularly appparent, in work and social situations, in which I felt vulnerable or threatened. Needless to say, this and various other maladaptive responses and reactions, that I had developed, severely impacted on my social interaction and activity during a large portion of my adult life. I functioned and expressed myself in an exceedingly structured manner, within very narrow, self imposed confines. A structure that might also be considered similar to the almost ritualised, repetitive behaviours of a person who suffers OCD. And, the effects of which, I am still dealing with and of which I am now still endeavouring to reduce the impact.

Why would I declare these issues, of which I have become aware, so personally and in detail? Because, others, if they see similarities in patterns of behaviour in their own lives, may question and adapt and adjust their own situations, with appropriate professional guidance, should they see the need, at an earlier age than I have. As I often say in my comments and responses, activity on the forum has, most often, reciprocal benefits. While I hope that the comments that I offer will assist others, the writing of these thoughts, about my own life, has an expressive and cathartic affect for me also. At this stage of my life, they no longer have any chance of causing concern for anyone else with whom I am connected. It is, also, only recently that I have become aware of the issues that I have in the way that I understand them now.

My reference to symptoms, as in some relating to OCD, was not a reflection of a diagnosis, as you have acknowledged, @oceangirl . From what I understand, there are many symptoms that overlap between diagnoses. While many people decry the use and effect of labels, we can use many “labels” very effectively. So we can refer to a symptom, not only in relation to a particular illness or disorder, but as an example of a tendency or symptom that may more easily be viewed as an expression of, or leaning toward a particular medical or psychological illness or diagnosis. The identified existence of one symptom, or even a number, does not necessarily constitute a diagnosis. In this way though, as in others, the labels can be very useful. Consequently, it allows us to view a symptom or situation in a context that may be singular, or lead to other symptoms in the same or different families or categories of illness or disorder. Many similar symptoms can occur for different reasons and under different diagnoses.

As a result, your reference to the connection of symptoms through different psychological expressions, such as OCD, PTSD, BPD, BiPoD, and others, I think, is valid and can be useful in discussing particular situations.

On to day to day events and situations. Yesterday, I was charging the car battery, but could not open the hood to disconnect the charger, so having pumped the tyres on my bike, decided to ride to the chemist and grocery store. I did reasonably well, managing not to fall off. It is a bike style to which I am not accustomed, but was pleased that all went well. Now, I just have to make it a daily exercise.

I hope all goes well medically and otherwise for your French Bulldog.

Unfortunately, I can empathise with your feelings for your other dog, having lost my previous great companion, a male collie/Kelpie, some years ago. I was quite ill at the time and it just added another dimension to an already difficult situation.

However, my current lovely dog, Kirra, is with me. She is a reminder of my mother, who passed away, a little over two years ago. It was she who, through her connections, arranged for me to get Kirra. So, I am comforted with the feeling that Mum is still, in some way, nearby or keeping watch.

Your post was fine and I hope that what I write is useful and informative. I have a similar problem with memory, which is also tied in, to some degree, with the other topics about which we have discussed. It gives me great pleasure to be able to respond to you and to know that our correspondences is meaningful and helpful for you, as it is also for me.

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX

@oceangirl

Late start today but active afternoon, at physio gymn, adding to the physio garden, shopping, cooking beef and blackbean with black beans.

Had a 2 week break from physio so worked up a sweat on cross trainer, but not too bad as have been walking.

Glad Milo is doing alright.