Need to vent

@BlueBay ,

Are you okay?

Hey @BlueBay great you went and saw your GP and had what sounds like a good consult. Yep, medication for the win. All the reading I've been doing on how childhood trauma affects the development of the human brain has helped me to understand that my brain chemistry is a bit effed. Makes sense--to me--to be on meds. How are you feeling about going back on them?

Yeah I get what you mean, I've never personally been to one for my sh*t but I did accompany an ex a long time ago to a SA clinic. The counsellor was full on, and my ex only went that one time because it was too confronting for them as well. I think, see who you wanna see. And if you start seeing someone new, maybe be straight up with them, that you've been there before and the experience was very overwhelming. Go for one appointment and if it's too much, don't go back to them. That's just my opinion though, probably what I'd do. Obviously different clinics, but yeah, I get what you mean. Maybe wait to try until you've been on the meds for a month or two?

Hi @BlueBay

That was a great post - yes - as hard as it is to make choices it is important to realise that you are making one even when don't do anything - life isn't easy - you already know this

Yes - it is important for you to keep away from your mother and if you see her make sure it's on your terms - you need to do this for your mental health - I did it - it can be done - it's not at all easy but necessary

Of course you wanted a wonderful mother - don't we all - we are committed to the one we have when we are young - we can grow out of that - after all - when we are babies and small children what would we do without our mother - whatever she is like - and I think that when children have a mother who is tough to live with they are afraid not to love her - after all - what would they do and where would they go without her?

When I walked away from my mother more than two years before she died I found I was making the decision not to see her all day every day - I would wake up in the morning thinking I should go - all day long I was deciding I would not and every night I was glad I hadn't gone. I kept sending her pretty cards saying I wanted to see her if she wanted to see me and for well over two years I never heard anything - not a word. Now I know I did the right thing for myself whatever anyone else thought and yes - my sister had plenty to say on the subject.

We have to care for ourselves first otherwise we can't care for other people - it's really important - not all all selfish as people might imagine. But it isn't easy - you just do it day by day and don't look ahead

And it isn't wrong to think you would do better if your mother wasn't there. I have been so much better since mine died - I didn't think that before she died but it is the truth. I have come a long way without having her on my mind all the time. Some people are just plain toxic and it's bad luck when it's our mother.

And wow - your mother didn't see her mother before the old lady died - that is astounding - what else could I say about that? Yeah

Yes - I know you pretty well after all these years - you joined just before I did - over 5 years ago and I have read just about everything you ever wrote her and thought about it a lot. You know best what to do about your house - you must know about the property prices in your area - it's a pity you have to think about selling a house you love and then move again - which is always a hard thing to do - but move away from your mother - what a good idea

We had a pretty little house in Dandenong and I really loved it - we had to move for various reasons but I would often dream I had moved back there. Now I don't. I am happy where I live and I have things set up well for myself. It might sometimes look as if we are going to be in a bad place for the rest of our lives but things can change in ways we can't imagine

I hope things went well with your therapist today - and I think you are waiting to have a break in hospital soon - I hope that works out for you. And you will miss little A but this is life - she will have new sisters now and this move will be good for everyone - as you said - change is hard - and some changes are hard for everyone. But change is necessary and in the long run you will be alright

All the best - I am thinking of you

Dec

@BlueBay that was a great post my sister

I would be keeping that handy for future reminder

Your children and grandchildren will always be around you because you are a beautiful , caring mother and Noona ❤❤

How's things @BlueBay ? Looking forward to hearing from you.

Hi @Owlunar @saltandpepper @Shaz51 @BPDSurvivor @Emelia8 @MDT @Eve7

and others reading -

I have had to take a few days off here as I wasn't in a good headspace. I still am struggling quite a bit with something stupid that I did.

I saw my new doctor on Monday and he gave me a script for cortisone injection for my hip. That was okay, we talked about my mental health and he was very supportive and caring about me getting better and living a much happier and healthier life.

Tuesday I went to see my psychologist. This is where it all started to fall apart. Before seeing her I contacted Centrelink as the promised money mentioned in a letter to me was not put into my account. I spoke to a lady who looked into it and said 'sorry the letter shouldn't have been sent, it was a mistake. you will not get any money as your husband earns too much'!!!! WTF!!! She also said the letter was posted out before i lodged the hours my husband and i did for that fortnight.

That was all i needed to hear to send me into a huge spin. terrible terrible panic; tears. i left home and drove sobbing to my psychologist. A 15 min drive sobbing, i really don't know how i got there. My psychologist called me in and instantly said 'why are you so upset'. I couldn't talk, i just sobbed again. I then started from the start and told her about the centrelink letter and not receiving my payment that i was told i was going to get ($546). We spoke about me being in hosptial again at Easter time, my work messaging me telling me i had lost 2 days shifts; so much to talk about. we also discussed my daughter moving out this week. It was a very hard session. And it was our last one too. After 10 sessions she has to 'close the books' and i have to call again to refer myself to see someone. She has suggested i see a new psychologist they have. She is not new to me as I know her from my hosptial stays. she used to work there and did a lot of one on one sessions with me while an inpatient. so it may be good seeing her again.

For some reason yesterday i felt very very guilty about leaving my old doctor. In my head i thought 'that's it i am going to ring him and apologise to him for removing my files to new clinic'. I called and he took my call, i was sobbing and said to him i apologise for leaving his clinic and that if he never wants to see me again then i understand. i told him i am screwed up with so much confusion going on; told him my daughter was moving. I then made an appt to see him on friday. he told me to stay positive and see him friday and we would talk.

now this morning i went to new clinic to get the injection for my hip. while the doctor was setting up the injection i told him i had scfrewed up. he asked why and what had i done. I confessed and told him i feel guilty and that my old doctor will probably hate me now.

he said no he won't hate me. it's a profession where patients can come and go. he said to please not worry about that. he reassured me that i will be okay and he is setting boundaries so that i don't call because he wants me to self soothe and try to calm down. i do understand that because my old doctor would let me ring him anytime which i know i abused so much.

I do appreciate this new doctor's standsards and boundaries, i need them.

He told me he will help me in reg. to my mental helath and BPD. So after leaving there feeling heard and supported I decided to call the old clinic and cancel my appt for tomorrow. My old doctor knows where i am going as he wanted to know yesterday.

@BPDSurvivor I am sorry for not getting back to you earlier, i just needed time away.

I am feeling very emotional but trying so hard to stay strong and not show my emotions to my daughter. She has moved most of her stuff during the week, tomorrow is the last final bits and pieces. I am so happy for her and A. They have found a really caring genuine guy who i know will look after them. it won't be the same without little A with us, sneaking in our bed, reading me her stories, little songs she sings and dress ups. or cooking me some food in her kitchen. we will organise a night where she can sleep over and we can have our fun. it will be special.

It's me - i need to find something to do. but i can't do too much as i can't afford it. i am walking daily on my own which is good. and once my injection kicks in my hip should be good hopefully.

i struggle so much with changes, decision making. i second guess myself ALL the time. But i've made my decision now with the doctors so i will stay with my new one.

i know changes are inevitable, there will always be changes. I've had major changes over the past few years and was okay, even though some of them i had to be hospitalised. but it was okay.

i am sure that in a months time i will look back and think - gee i did okay, why was i so worried?

reg. jobs - i am trying very hard to not look for work. i get very angry with my friends. they say to 'enjoy your break' - gee i wish i could enjoy my break. how do you enjoy it when you have no money.

i really don't want to go back to the supermarket, but i am thinking that i have no choice. i am thinking i will stay home for a few more weeks if we can and then i will have to go back. i don't think we can really live with me getting no money; we are struggling already. Mmm maybe need to go back earlier. But i hate it so much 😞

sorry for a long reply. xxxxoo

Hello my dear @BlueBay ,

You've been on my mind. I was concerned not seeing you post.

Sure does sound like you're going through a tough way.

Hold on. I'm here for you.

BPDSurvivor

Last day today with my daughter snd littke A living with us 😢😢😢

@BlueBay , are they moving far?