Need to vent

Me too @saltandpepper 👍:ok_hand:

Morning @BlueBay , @saltandpepper

Morning @Shaz51 and @BlueBay 👋

How are you doing this morning @BlueBay? Hope you managed to get some rest last night

Morning @Shaz51 @saltandpepper

Thank you for last night. I don't know where all that came from. I'm not sure I've mentioned my brothers past before. I am still angry and hurt but I need to not let the memories get to me. I will talk to my GP tomorrow and psychologist on Tuesday. A lot of the times I turn inward to myself snd it's like I need to punish myself even further. I don't know why I do this.

I can write so much more but I won't todsy.
I feel robbed of a normal childhood. I feel my younger years are gone. I don't have memories of my childhood except the abuse. I had no friends at school. I was very much alone. A big chunk of my childhood has gone.

I'm sorry @BlueBay for what you went through then and how it continues to affect you now. I'm sorry you didn't get the childhood you deserved, I'm sorry that was taken from you. I feel your anger and frustration, and it's completely justified. Definitely cover these things with your psych on Tuesday, even if you have to read it off this screen. You deserve to heal, you don't deserve punishment. Please take good care of yourself today

Hi @BlueBay

Life can be so challenging - we sometimes find ourselves on the wrong end of other people's choices and that can be hard to accept. And what you feel is a lost childhood - hmm - yes - I have done some thinking about all of this

When it comes to our childhood - I really wonder what a normal childhood is like. Mine seems to have been okay for the best part. Still - I had few choices - I am not worried about that in adult life - my father made choices for my education and then work and he seemed to be fair but I don't think it was. I wanted to go on to university from high school but I never had that choice. Still - I have been to university and graduated with honours. I have studied formally for most of life and so in fact

tmy father's refusal to let me to to university when I was young was circumnavigated. We can make choices for ourselves in later life. It feels good to me that I have. You have made adult choices too but I understand that this feels unsatisfactory to you. I understand that.

Anyway - your mother and father. Um - this is harder to write about. Your mother is making a choice for herself and perhaps your father to not have much to do with you. It's worse than that because she chooses to be narky about it. Whatever your father wants he has made a choice to let your mother make the rules and so you are out in the cold.

As hard as it is this is what your mother wants. You want something else and she seems to have all the power. You can gain back your power by letting your mother have her way in this way of life. That's to make a choice yourself to protect yourself and keep well away from your mother.

In truth as the years pass and you keep away she will find that having this choice herself is not a good way of life at all. For you it's the only way

I did let my mother have her way and kept away. My father was unhappy but as I said and thanks @saltandpepper - my father was making his choice too in keeping out of my life.

You want something different but it is true that you can't fix this and for your own good - take your power back. A few times you have said that you don't know what you want but you really do know. You say it all the time. You want acceptance and understanding from your family and it is okay to want that. But with your parents it's not going to happen.

You want your financial life to be more secure. Of course you do. You don't want to sell your house - you like living where you are. Of course you do. I actually think you can do this - get your sons to pay some regular board and get your health to a better standard and get a better job.

This can be done, perhaps you do have to move to be near an industrial area where there is more work - it's a matter of working out what will work for you.

Of course Huffnpuff doesn't want to get out of his own way and help out with a lot of things he could. You have chosen to stay with him so that is another thing about choice. To keep the power yourself you need to let him have his choices and make your own.

Talk this over with your therapists. I do know how hard making changes can be and some times these changes just lie in the way we see things. Letting other people have power over you doesn't give you any happiness

Accepting things the way they are is hard too but there are things we can't change and thinking how to change other people won't work.

I so like being alone in the world. Yes I have my close family members and I am grateful for them. I understand them and bless the differences. I am glad I have made the choices to find peace in my own life and I really do wish the same for you

And sometimes we just have to accept being unhappy -

And to answer your question about my sister - I have no idea why she finds the need to try and interfer in my life every so often but I can't change her either - she was a spoiled brat as a child and she has never overcome her need to cause trouble. Some things are just bad luck

I do wish you the best BlueBay - no one can change anything for you and there are some changes that can't be made - perhaps your therapist can help you sort this out - I really hope so

Dec

Just finished msking Anzac biscuits snd cornflake cookies with little A. She was my littke assistant!!
went to the park earlier and had a coffee at the beach with hubby and our daughter with littke A.
wstching footy now. Actually my police officer son is working at the MCG today.
@Owlunar I'll reply to your post either later or tomorrow.
today is a better day. @Shaz51 @saltandpepper

sounds like a nice day my sister @BlueBay ,enjoy your wonderful family xoxo

What a busy day! Really glad you've kept yourself occupied and spent some time with the family. Sounds like a great day--love the beach. Not to swim in--that terrifies me. Hope you've had a good day @BlueBay

Saw my GP this afternoon. was very very anxious and shaking when I saw him. He wants me to start my AD meds again. He is going to give me an injection into my hip for the pain.
he also wants me to speak to a SECASA counsellor. I'm not sure about that because I did see one and it only last one session as it was too confronting. I'm scared to go back.
He wants me to do something that gives me pleasure. But I have no motivation to do anything. I can't be bothered.

I know I need to push myself but right now I don't care.
I couldn't stop crying at my doctors.

@saltandpepper @Shaz51 @Owlunar @Jynx @Eve7 @BPDSurvivor @Emelia8

Hi @Owlunar

You're right i did want a mother that was different. I wanted a caring, supportive loving mother, one that i don't have. yes she is making her choice of not been nice, supportive, loving or caring towards me. she chooses when it suits her for me to go over and visit. that's stupid because as a child you shouldn't have to phone days ahead to 'book a time to visit your parents'. my door will always be open for my kids, no matter what age. they can come anytime, unannounced and i don't need a phone call in advance. I am now not goiong to contact her often, i will set myself a day eg. Saturday to call her; if that suits me if not i will call her when i feel like it.

I have tried for many many years to please her and to this day i've never been recognised for that or accepted or supported. In this choice of mine to limit my contact means that i don't see my dad - well i cant do anything else. i can't change that; he can make a choice to pick up the phone and call me but he doesn't - so it will have to be like this my choice, my way.

Reg. our home. To be honest i do like where we live. The only downside is having to pay $3,000 body corporate fees for very little in return. A bit of landscaping and 24/7 security.

I was thinking if i get a good job we wouldn't have to sell. but if we did sell we would make a huge profit and there wouldn't be a problem in selling as they are selling days after the board goes up. So we would really be making money on it. It's just then we would need to move out a bit further and we could purchase something cheaper and then pay our mortgage off completely. I'm not sure, but we are thinking at the moment. Our older son is wanting to purchase a property so he will go soon. Our younger son does pay us money so it is a big help.

My daughter will be completely out of our home by this coming Friday 😞

As much as i will love a tidy home, it's not everything. i will very much so miss little A, i can't even think about it as i get teary. i know it's not far where they're going; i know we have phones to talk and facetime; but it will be an adjustment, another change for me and this one is a hard. i think it's hard because i am very very close to Ayla and she has helped me cope at times, by just being her. There won't be daily parks anymore, or walking the dog around the block; there won't be singing or watching her play with her toys. all these little things - i won't see. But in saying that she will come over weekly or fortnightly to stay the night. i can then spend the day with her and do things together.

i know i'll have special time with her and our connection will not change. i want her to grow up knowing i am there for her anytime. i don't want a relationship like my mum had with my kids which was a very superficial nonna. when i think back she was never genuine in her love for my kids. and thta is sad because i know how that feels. so i am making sure that all my grandchildren will be forever loved no matter what happens.

choices for me is really difficult, changes for me is hard. But with my mum i need to make a stand and stick to it. you know sometimes i think it would be so different if my mum wasn't around anymore. i know this may sound terrible to some but it's how i feel.

now i can see how broken and torn apart her relationship was with her mum - exactly like me and her. and to think that when she was contacted to say her mum was on her death bed for her to visit her - she replied no.

that's so bad but that was her choice and she has to live with that decision for the rest of her life.

@Owlunar it is so hard, it really is. But i need to stay on track on this one. i can't let her get to me, or let her boss me around anymore. i am not a child and she needs to know that i have had enough.

thanks Dec for all your support, i feel you know me pretty well by now, after all these years i have been on here.

@Shaz51 @Eve7 @saltandpepper @Emelia8 @BPDSurvivor and others reading