Hi @BlueBay
As I said - I was really glad to read your post yesterday - it sounded positive and yes - you were looking at the hard side of life too - and this is reassuring
I'll go through your post one-point-at-a time. I might not finish. Let's see.
Black and White thinking.
Yes - I know that's hard to change but I think you can. And I don't think you are lazy but you do make excuses - imo those excuses need to be shut down. You may have incurred some minor damage to your brain because of your early birth. Now you are an adult and you can give that part of your brain a job and that is to stop and give you a different message. It tells you that it's "too hard" to change. eg - ignore the "too hard" words and replace them with "hard but I can manage some of this" Trying to change everything at one is probably black and white thinking. As they say "Rome wasn't built in a day" and some patience is needed to change this part of your thinking and do it one task at a time. Dr Phil says this - so (um - yeah) - it must have some truth in it.
Your house - I hear you about that. A is only 3 yo and most like your D will move out to the next stage of her life and that will be unsettling for you - you know it needs to happen. Your boys will be gone soon too and you can have your house the way you want it and bugger the cups. Give Huffnpuff a job and let him organise the cups. And your floor - I have noticed that when anyone has washed the floor they have ownership of it. It becomes their clean floor. Those life changes are coming and you will find them hard too. How do I know? Having changes is really hard for you and I remember how my son battled with changes. I do understand
Your writing is mostly okay and as a writer I know I am qualified to say so. Your poetry is emotive - carrying your despair across - no one here has to be a brialliant writer - you are better than average. There is no need to worry about it
Abandonment/Rejection issues - yes - it is hard for you and I really don't have an idea of how to get through feeling like that as an adult. I have a friend who used to work with autistic children and she told me some interesting things about abandoned children - mostly about autism - and it made sense. I was talking to her about my son who may have been on the spectrum though I will never know. When a child does not have anyone around to pick it up and cuddle it for long and often it can be - I am searching for a word here - well - it is abandoned. You were in hospital a long time after you were born 10 weeks early and from what you have said your mother didn't visit. Shame on her. I believe that this is when your abandonment and rejection issues started. I don't know what it is really like to feel that as an adult. I do remember that day when my mother took me and my babies home after my little car was written off. I cried as she drove away - shaking with delayed shock. I saw her car going up the hill on the other side of the valley. I was so distressed. Then my baby threw up and filled her bassinet - where did all of that come from? And my son had a tantrum - and a couple of hours passed as I attended to all of that and being busy drove away the feeling of desolation. So - for a few moments nearly half a century ago is still in my mind today. I do hear what you say even if I don't really understand.
We can all be too hard on ourselves - I think it's partly your mother. Her lack of support and love is something I understand very well. I couldn't please my mother either. I stopped trying and retaliated - I had - still have - a lot of spirit. There was a nastiness inside her and I have no way of understanding why she did the things she did. I just can't write about them. Before we are born our mother is how whole world and we know her heart-beat, her voice, her movements - even the sound of her feet on the different surfaces. If we are nurtured after birth we have a good chance of having a reasonable childhood. You didn't get that at all. I believe neither of us have had a satisfactory start in life - we are individual people though and life is different.
People-pleasing - that is a huge issue that in time you can change. We don't have to please other people. There are certain behaviours we use to rub alongside other people. We don't have to agree with other people's opinions but we can consider their point of view. It's a huge subject - I will get back to it - I may actually already have a thread about this somewhere in this forum
I am so glad you spoke to your supervisor and you will be getting onto the registers. It really is worth sticking up for ourselves. You did well
I am having the ablation next Friday - the pain is wearing me down - I know you know how this feels - I saw my doctor late yesterday. He wasn't listening to me and although I kept repeating myself he harped on about something else. Okay - late Friday - I am tired too.
He shouted at me and I shouted back and we kept this up. I could have behaved differently but that's the thing - I was flustered afterwards but I stuck my ground and for me it would have been worse to have let this pass - what good would shouting do? - I think he would know I don't take crap from ANYONE
IMO life isn't easy for many people at all - even the wealthy - I often wonder if people who have had easy lives are interesting people. Maybe one of the reasons I am interested in you and your story is that you share the tough parts. Even if you overcome your issues you will still have friends. If you still write here I know you have an interesting back-story
And yes - it is time for you to throw of your past and grasp for any joy you can find. With less people in your house it will be easier for you to deal with Huffnpuff who might be as unhappy as you are. You will have time to find yourself
I have to stop typing - I need a shower badly - I was supposed to pick up my reading glasses from the optometrist but I had a late start
All the best BlueBay
Dec
