Need to vent

Hearing you @BlueBay 👂💓

I am about to head into town now, for my Pilates exercise class. But will try to check in on you later.

Just want to say now though ... you are none of those things BlueBay ... NOT worthless, not without hope and not helpless. The ability to turn things around, is in your hands .. with assistance from a good team of professional support members. Keep going BB ... you can do this.

Emelia 🤗💞

Hi @BlueBay

I didn't get to write in the forum yesterday - I had hayfever - aw - what a sneezing fit does to fill my day - and I had a visitor in the afternoon which was excellent - but I was tired - still tired - I really do know how your physical pain can drag you down

But in spite of feeling worthless, hopeless and helpless you are none of those things. That is your BPD talking, your black and white thinking, like there is a small part of your brain that takes over and tells you these things when things don't work out. Things are really not that bad. How you get around that is something I have been thinking about

I have been thinking about your post on - ah - Sunday. That is a lot to work through but I have been thinking about it. You say I don't know you but I do know a lot about you. I have a retentive memory and I know you are frustrated with so many people living in a small house - you clean it and you are proud of what you have achieved. However, people make coffee and perhaps toast and leave the cup and crumbs. Little A plays with her toys. People walk with sandy sneakers on your nice clean floor and the cups and not in the right order and - blast - it's all your fault. I know your despair, your unhappiness, your grief, your bad memories, your black moods and the brief times when you feel good. You write so well. You are an excellent writer. You feel helpless because the tasks before you are daunting. And you are lonely. Unbearably lonely.

I do know more about BPD but yes - I don't know what it's like to have it. My son's patterns were very much like yours. He was never happy - well - for short moments he was. He had a personal black cloud that followed him around raining on his scattered dreams. His start in life was rotten. Adopted and of mixed race. I can imagine an adopted person might have a very negative start in life with abandonment issues - not everyone but some people. You have helped me understand abandonment issues more than you can know so please don't think your are worthless - really. You are worth a great deal to me.

Because I really can't imagine what it feels like to be abandoned. I did have a moment once when I had been in an accident and my little car - my first car - was written off. My kids were babies - my son was in the car with my husband and me and we were not injured but I was shaken up. My mother drove me and the babies home and left and I felt the delayed shock and felt really lost. But my kids needed me and my daughter had projectile vomiting and my son always had a tantrum when something like that happened and so I had to deal with all that and give the baby another bottle and I think this about abandonment issues

When your kids were young and your MIL lived with you - you were busy - but when the kids grew up and your MIL went into the nursing home you had time to remember and the abuse memories came back and the BPD reared it's head and your mum was a total bitch about it and you felt abandoned and it doesn't go away. And when you are alone it's there. When you are in company you feel awkward. It's really hard for you and I understand that it's hard

But I think you can find your way passed it so it doesn't stuff up your life. You feel abandoned but you are not in reality helpless and hopeless

I have been discharged from my work and I do know how that feels and I was on unemployment at times - this was once I was a single parent and then alone. It feels like a very shaky environment, I understand that. I could always get another job - sometimes I wasn't wrapped in what I was doing but I made the best of it. Some work is mundane but it has to be done by someone. I'll deal with that some other time

I would understand more if you sometimes responded to what I write - not everything - that is not necessary. I can go on writing it - when you give someone a gift - a personal item, cash or time - then that is something that isn't the giver's business anymore. So what I write for you is my gift and it is up to you what you do with it. But for me to have a deeper knowledge of you need to respond.

And you don't have to be a people-pleaser. Not with anyone actually but certainly not with me. You can be honest. I don't understand how you feel about something - okay - perhaps I don't - but I am giving you the space to say so and why.

I don't want to go through life being anti-this and anti-that but I might be thought a disagreeable old woman because speak out about things that are wrong. I have no control over what people think about me and it is not my business. When I had 10 days in hospital last year I did mention things to the charge nurse. Other people might benefit from that.

Try and reach out and grasp life BlueBay. This is the only one you have. I am glad you are trying to find some happiness. And there is not need to judge yourself - believe me - no one is judging you. They are - we all are - to busy with our own thoughts to care that much. I care about you though

Sending hugs

Dec

Hi @Owlunar

i will respond to your long post soon. It's just right now I'm not well.
I have had a migraine most of the day and the last hour terrible upper abdomen pain radiating to my left side with terrible nausea Just called my GP who suggested I try ginger tea sbd very light diet. I told him I can't eat m, just the thought is making me sick. I'm actually in bed leaving hubby and kids to cook dinner.
It's funny I've got nurse A looking after me.
she's sitting in my bed asking me every few minutes "do you feel better nonna"

i will write back to you timirriw. Xxx

hi @Emelia8 @MDT @Faith-and-Hope @BPDSurvivor

I'm sorry you feel so ill @BlueBay

Just take your time about replying - and and it's important to keep hydrated - lemonade icy poles might help

I hope you feel better soon

Dec

"Nurse A" ..... gorgeous @BlueBay ❣️

Hey @Owlunar ,

Thanks for your amazing post. It was a very applicable, heart-felt response.

Thank you sincerely,

BPDSurvivor

And @BlueBay , I'm sitting with you.

How are you feeling today, @BlueBay ? Just wanted to check-in with you.

Hi @BPDSurvivor

I'm not bad, still having the odd abdo pain. I phoned my gastroenterologist yesterday, just waiting for him to call me. There is one more procedure I could have done - it's to check more deeper into my pancreas and the cyst on it. Not sure if this is causing pain. I'm thinking now I should go and see this specialist and talk to him and see whether i need to have it done.

I'm trying to keep busy today so i don't get caught up with my negative thinking. Yesterday I saw my GP and was not in a good headspace. Was talking about SH and all the triggers from the abuse were coming back. I was sort of dissociating and staying in that timeframe (of the abuse). I really am angry at my brother for what he did to me all those years ago.

Anyway, i am trying today to go out for a little bit with my daughter and granddaughter. I think coffee and park sounds good and then little one is off to 3 yr old kinder in the afternoon. I've decided to take myself for a long walk alone.

Hope you are well. Hi @Faith-and-Hope @Owlunar @Emelia8 @MDT

Hi @Owlunar

Thank you for your long reply, I always appreciate the time and effort you put in to reply to me. It means a lot.

I know that i have a lot of black and white thinking; very rigid thinking. And it's hard to change. I always say it's hard (it must sound to you and others that I always say that and am lazy) but truly it is hard.

Yes my house - I am proud of the house we bought. It's a fairly new home (now 4 yrs old) and I want things to stay nice and tidy. But i do understand that with a toddler around it can't always be as tidy as i want it to be. So for now it is what it is. I just have to enjoy the precious time i have with her because once she moves out (which could be soon) i won't see or be with her daily. yes things will definitely change then. I try to write as best as i can, i sometimes think i write silly - but that's most likely my negative mind talking there. Yes you're right i do go up and down and it seems that i can get through the down and bad times; but then i go down again. There seems to be no stable "up time/feeling" for a longer period. Mmm maybe meds could help there, not sure??

Abandonment/rejection issues are still very difficult for me; sometyhing i am not sure i will ever get through or understand. It seems that whoever i am close to with regards to professional support i get attached and then get very scared of being abandoned. Because then the result is feeling very very lonely; thrown out; pushed away etc etc.

I know i am very hard on myself; i don't know why. Could it be from the childhood abuse? my mum? the lack of love, support and care from her?

Yes, people pleaser - that's me so much. I think it is coming from my childhood where i had to please my mum for years and years. And now that's all i know, so to do the opposite feels very strange and something 'not right'.

You know @Owlunar I've been thinking, i have been alone with hubby for the first 10 years of my marriage with 2 kids. Then FIL passed away and MIL moved in next day. I then gave birth to 3rd child 4 days later. We then all moved from Melbourne to where we are now 5 months later. And MIL stayed with us for 20 years. Then my D moved out, had little A and moved back in with us. So out of our 35 years of marriage we have really only been alone for not much.

It's tough, would I have had it any other way?? I guess looking back i probably wouldbn't have had my MIL live with us inside our home; but we didn't have money to build a granny flat so it just had to be like that I guess.

It was tough those years with her; but no point complaining now.

You will be happy to hear this @Owlunar - I spoke to my supervisor on wednesday about the possibility of training on registers (3rd time i have asked her). She replied yes, i am been trained next thursday and have picked up 2 other shifts. So i will work 4 days but only 4 hour shifts. So that will be good as i won't need to look for work for Centrelink. And i may still be able to keep my health care card. For now i will get trained, work there and see how I feel about it all. If after 6 months i still feel the same; then i know it will be time to move on and look for a different job.

I think i will be happier on registers as I can talk to customers and the day will go quicker; instead of sitting in a tiny corner cleaning basketys all on my own.

Today my D and little A and I are going out for coffee and a play at the park. She has kinder this afternoon, so a walk for me is what I will do. After chatting for a long time yesterday with my doctor he's made me realise that life is too short; i need to do things that i enjoy.

I hope you're doing OK with your shoulder. It's going to be a really nice warm day, so i may even walk to the beach and sit there. Chat again soon my friend xxx

hi @BPDSurvivor @Faith-and-Hope @Emelia8 @MDT hope you all have a great day today xxx

That is really good news about you being trained for the registers next Thursday @BlueBay .. and getting some extra shifts at work. This is something you have been wanting to do for ages. An added bonus that the extra shifts will mean you no longer need to fulfill all the rigid Centrelink requirements. And you will have some extra cash to help with your feelings of financial stress. Good all round BlueBay. I'm very happy for you.

In fact there are a lot of positives in your long post ... things appear to be looking up for you. I hope that continues.

Much love to you. And hi to @Owlunar as well.

Emelia 💞