Need to vent

Hi @BlueBay

I hear you but I am here to tell you that your mother can't ruin everything - she is just not that powerful - she does make life hard - that's true

However - you can send your father a birthday card - the best you can find - and mail it. Perhaps he won't get it - that is a possibilty - so do what I did when I was in a similar position with my family - print the address and don't add a return address - then let it go because there are things in this universe we have no control over

Btw - if you are getting emails from the website into your phone then turn it off before your interview and all the best

Dec

So .... interview went very well. They said there's two different positions. They asked what days I would like to work. I replied tues wed Thursday. That way I can still see my psychologist on Friday. I mentioned that I am only looking wirk day shift. There is apparently an afternoon shift which is 3-11pm. That's too hard for one. I'm not good with late nights.
anyway I said I'm happy to cover a shift if someone is sick.
they asked when can I start. I said two weeks time.
overall good interview. They will let me know either way this Friday.
will now wait.
@MDT @Owlunar @Emelia8 @BPDSurvivor @Shaz51

Glad to hear that your interview went well @BlueBay

💜

Thanks @Snowie @MDT

That all sounds fairly positive @BlueBay . You have done well, irrespective of final result. 👍🌹

Hope you hear to the affirmative on Friday. I will have fingers, toes and eyes crossed for you. 🍀

Emelia 💞

Hi @Owlunar

I've decided to not send my dad a card. Only because I know Whst will happen. I know how my mum works. She's evil and destructive.
so I will have to be strong on his birthday. I will write in my journal.
yiu know part of me wants to talk again but a big part of me is pulling me away. Telling me not to. I've been hurt over snd over sgsin snd not just the last 10 years but all my life. Over the years she's said some horrible things; did horrible things - and I can't forget. But I have to move forward. She's jealous of me I think. No I'm sure.
abd you know it's always been her that's hurt me. Never my dad. But I think half the time he doesn't know the full story. But he makes me angry too bevsuse I think why can't he stand up for me. Oh I know she turns things around to suit herself.
I was chatting online last night with a Sane counsellor snd they will help me work through my mum issues. I think these issues go back to a lot longer than when I told her of my abuse. I've had some amazing counsellors here on Sane.

I think because she knows of my depression she uses it to attack me. I have a good idea of whst she's told my dad. But do you know Whst - I know exactly what she said to me. I did nothing wrong. The only wrong thing I did was swear at her over the phone snd thdn hang up.

Hubby and I are going back to same resort we went to in November. Only for 4 days which will be nice. It will be hot as it's north Victoria about 3 hours away. They have a sale on so we get one night at half price.
it's hard because you can't even book interstate as not sure what's going on with covid.

so as for my mum - it's a very difficult one.

I just need to work out how to not let this obsess my mind snd thiughts.

Hi @BlueBay

Well done with the job interview and well done with the journal entry - there's two good things on your list

And yes - you are writing a journal here - and we are reading it and commenting on it so it's interactive

I think your mother resented you for being born early and bothering her and like my mother she has spent the rest of your life taking it out on you and it's really cruel and unnecessary. I know how it feels - um - yes - and it would be healthy not to obsess about it - so again - just stop for the short time you can every time you feel the urge to get stuck thinking about it because it really doesn't help and makes you feel terrible

Actually I think I was punished for being a girl - my father was thrilled to bits with me - I am so like him and through my life I have had people tell me that. I am like Dad's family so yes - I think your Dad liked you too much for your mother - not for you of course - no one can be loved too much - I remember you said your father took the breast milk to the hospital every day - and I guess he would have seen you and babies know their parents

One thing you can do about obsessive thoughts is to get a pen and sheet of paper and without thinking about it just write words or scribble or whatever comes into your head - and get it out of your head - it does hurt - I really know this - but you know now you can't change things or fix them - so you really need to accept them.

Btw - I wasn't born early - my daughter was - I was two weeks late and I like to think I knew there was a war going on out there and it was the middle of winter and I was going to stay where I was for as long as I could and my mother had her birthday and first wedding anniversary heavily pregnant. Find a little thought like that and nurture it because I have enjoyed it for a long time now and it hurts no one - not even me - how could it?

It's my Dad's birthday in a few days too - and he has been gone 10 years now - I found it really hard when he died but he and I had a really wonderful relationship for most of my life and there were tough years when my mother ruled the show like yours and this did hurt a lot but my memories of my father are wonderful and I wish this for you too. So yes - get that card and send it with love with kind and gentle messages telling him you love him and wish you could see him. And let it go

And let yourself heal - you have made a good start with your journal entry

Dec

Hi @Owlunar

To be honest I'm crying as I'm reading your reply.

I deserve a good mum; i deserved a mum who loved me for who i am. i deserved a caring loving mum who would just put her arms out to give me a big big hug when i told her about my childhood abuse.

there is so much hate at the moment; so much anger. All i can write at the moment is hate, hate and hate.

how can i hate someone so much? she's my mum? yeah but not a proper mum.

I don't think i can send him a card for his birthday. it's too painful; too emotional. i just can't do it.

you know @Owlunar i look at myself and how i parent my children (when they were little) and how i have a good relationship with them, especially my daughter. i could never ever be so cold, heartless and not supportive or caring towards my children, espeically my daughter. there is something special between a mother/daughter relationship which i know i have one. and i guess that's what hurts because i wish i had that too. (does this make sense??)

so many times over and over in my married life i would 'have to' have everyone over for christmas, easter, etc becasue my mum would want it that way - at my house. i had a big outdoor area but it's not that the others didn't either. it was always at my house. and do you know at the time of having these get togethers/parties/celebrations i loved it. why? becasue all my family was together - my parents and siblings and their kids all together. it was nice.

but then when i had the courage and strength to tell my parents or on that day it was just my mum (because that's how she wanted it) - the family unit or all siblings were separated. was it my fault. i remember after the falling out (the first time) and it was Christmas time; my mum called my sister and said 'you can ask me if i want to go to lunch with the family, but if i did there was to be NO mention of the childhood abuse'. then the week after she called my sister again and said to let me know that i am not invited to christmas lunch with the family. it was always her way or no way. everything had to be around her and if it didn't suit her - well it was nothing.

looking back at my childhood there were so many times she and dad fought where they wouldn't talk for days. she accused my dad of 'having an affair' with a co-worker all becasue she walked past the shop one day and saw them talking while working. WTF!!! she was outraged. Of course there was nothing going on; it was all in my mum's head.

she would use me to drive her to places so she could 'investigate' who was at my sister's house at that time; she actually had me initate a private investigator onto my sister. something i have never ever told my sister about.

and me stupid i would do as i was told - even as an adult. how dumb was I?

she would talk horribly about my sister when they weren't talking and i had no idea how my sister was living - in desperate measures. but yet my mum forced my dad to seek legal advice to get my sister evicted from a property of theirs. it was horrible. i had no idea how bad my mum was and still is.

there is so muich more, not sure if i should be writing on here or not.

she gets to me so much because it hurts to the core. it hurts deep. and maybe one day i will tell her exactly about my brother; just maybe one day.

you wrote - "let myself heal" - @Owlunar how do i heal when it's too painful; it's too emotionally draining and there is so muich anger; so much anger.

thank you so much for understanding my situation. i can't imagine the pain and hurt you must have gone through growing up as well. Hugs.