Hi @BlueBay
Everyone deserves a loving, kind and supportive mother and it seems to me they are few and far between. You didn't do anything to deserve your mother and life can be cruel at times. It seems your mother isn't just having a go at you either - she has it in for at least one of your sisters and this is unfair but this is how it is and there is nothing you can do to change it
I have to admit I did annoy my mother - I was too like my father and had a lot of spirit. I resisted her trying to control me and it caused me a lot of trouble. When I was older I would chip at her - I was busy getting an education and she didn't have much time at school and I let her know when she had forgotten something so I can say it's pretty hard to deal with bitter women like our mothers
I do spend time reading through the journals people keep here and also the people who only post once or twice. Mother problems and family issues are common. I don't recommend you read through other people's posts about this - you are too fragile right now but you are far from alone.
All the hate you have built up inside you isn't hurting anyone but yourself and I do hear you and know the pain you are in. You need to let that go. How do you? That is hard to answer but I know what you say when you say that it's too painful to let it go because I remember feeling like that. The pain has been there for so long you don't know what would happen if you let it go. I love to put things into concrete terms so here I go now
So - imagine you pick up a kettle full or boiling water and the handle is too hot and burns you. Your family is all around so if you drop it they will get hurt too - so you hold onto it and it burns your hand and it hurts too much to think right then so what can you do? Right now you know to put it back on the stove and treat the burn but in the moment you are just standing there holding it and it hurts no one but you and you know this and because the moment lasts for years in this case it hurts and damages you and you can't think what to do
But in your real life you have to put it down and let it go and look at the damage and that is scary too. I think I can safely say that your mother has destroyed your happiness and you want to throw something at her but that will not help because she thinks she is right and proper and you have wrecked the family.
You are not powerful enough to do that btw and you have done a great job with your kids and like all kids they get up your nose from time to time and that's pretty normal.
My issues with my son were difficult to manage and I found my mother's suggestions so far from the mark they were unacceptable to me and I stopped talking to her about it. Both my parents were very unreasonable and therefore never knew how I worked out how to deal with him. My decisions about him were unpopular and difficult to make and maintain and it seems everyone but the professional people I had to deal with were the only people who made any sense. It seems family and friends thought that he needed more discipline but apart from tough love nothing worked. I really don't think even Dr Phil could deal with this set of circumstances but I had to and I had to do it alone. I think that was the whole wheel my life turned on. I often walked away from my family and stayed away for years at a time.
The answer to me seems to me that when people are toxic we can forgive them if we choose and we do that for ourselves - not for them - but we stop them from doing any more damage by keeping away. But send your card to your father for his birthday - yes - I know it's painful and emotional but you feel like that already so can it be any worse? Aw yes - probably - but it might heal you a bit and a bit at a time works. Why hurt yourself more? Well - that's life - if you had a splinter you would have to get it out and if it was big and dirty you would need a doctor to do it and you might need an anti-tetanus injection and even stitches and that would be a total inconvenience. But if you leave a big, dirty splinter where it is would be worse. Get it?
I hear you - I know - I get it - get it - I really get it! You want to see your parents and have them hug you and make it better. Even if they did hug you they can't make it better. You were damaged when you were a child and that won't go away or change either. Sometimes we can want something so badly nothing else counts. I know. When I was a child I wanted to see the moon but every month and during bad weather I couldn't see it and nothing I did would change that. My grandmother would take me outside and say - "Can you see it? Take a good look. It's not there right now and it comes and goes but it is never yours" - I guess life is like that - we can want something we can never have and it really does hurt but we are not children any more and there are things we just have to accept. As we used to say "Hard cheese"
I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter too. From when she came home from hospital when she was a month old she knew us. She knew me and she wanted to see me and I would move her around after me in the bassinet and she woud coo if I moved out of sight and most of the time I would move back and she would grin and she was such a frail little baby but full of joy and what a blessing. She was a sunshiny little girl too and yes - she would whinge sometimes and was clingy and yet she was so happy most of the time - she was worth all I had been through to get her - and I have her daughter in my life too. And you have your daughter and grand-daughter too. I am so glad for both - all - of us. But our mothers missed out on this - so much of this - and they became bitter and twisted. I think your mother controlled you and didn't like it when you reached for your entitled independence. My mother couldn't control me and didn't like it either. They missed out on the love we would have given them and the world is richer for the love we can give our families.
However when I think about how things were for me at your age I know I was divorced and alone and happier for it. I had to grieve my son and also work through the hate I had for my husband. I did both of these through time and with professional help and overcame the negativity of normal feelilngs. You can too - but I admit my true peace came when my mother died. However I didn't wait that long to work through it myself - she made her choices as did my toxic sister and it really hurt and I thought about this last night and this morning and know it's normal and not fun or nice or good but necessary. You can do it too and it takes time - one day at a time. One morning. One hour. One crying event.
And it really hurts - I know that - I wish this wasn't the case but like the moon - events come and go and take their time and it rains on the parade and bugger it - life is what happens when we are making other plans
I'm here and reading what you write and going back to the early days and comparing what you have written and you have come a long way. This is a good reason for keeping a journal - and yours is bloody brilliant. Keep up the good work and fear not. You will be okay - you are okay actually - it's just not comfortable for you at times
You are loved
Dec
