Need to vent

Hi @Owlunar

I've been to our local community support centre for help. They gave me two voucher card to use at woollies. Apart from that there's not much more. Oh they did give me a bag of dried food but some I can't have so I donated back. I get very embarrassed when I go to these places to ask for help. It's not me. I don't like asking. But at this point in time I had no choice.
I don't want to see anyone eg friends or do anything.
my daughter wants me to go with her to the shops today. I said ok but I'm going to tell her I'll stay home with little A and she can go herself. I just don't want to go anywhere.
I was really hoping that super was going to come through. I thought it would be good we could just breathe a little snd not stress so much.
so next step now will have to be - selling our home. And it will be stressful. I know it will sell quickly as we had a few near us sell in a week!!! It's then where do we go.
oh I don't want to think about it because it's emotionally too hard. Realistically I know it's the right thing to do it's I'm not sure I will cope. Last time we moved I was in hospital and was allowed out to help move snd then back in again. The stress was too much.

hospital now?? - mmm my mind says hell yeah but rational mind says it's too close to Christmas. The hospital closes its ward which is ridiculous. That's the time when it's most needed!!
anyway I know I've got my support close by. I'm seeing my psych 2 days after Christmas snd my GP the week after Christmas. Hubby is hime for two weeks so extra pay there. And we won't be doing much just beach snd walks like every other tourist!!!!

I can't see any happiness atm. It just seems all too dark. I just want to hibernate
we have this Xmas gathering with all neighbours from two streets on Sunday afternoon. We've never been. I thought the other day it would be nice to go. But now it's the last thing I want to do. Hearing others talk about Christmas, holidays, trips etc etc

I don't want to hear that. So hubby won't care we don't go. I don't want to mix with people right now.

Can't wait to speak to my psych today. I know she'll be concerned.

thanks Dec for caring. I appreciate it. Xxxx

Feeling very lonely today

don't want to walk anywhere

just had a coffee

just want to not see anyone

if this is what life is like - then I don't want it

@Owlunar @Jynx @Former-Member @cloudcore @MDT @Shaz51 @Emelia8 you don't have to reply. Don't feel sorry for me.
Im so not worthy of any friends anymore.
im in a deep dark hole

I'm sorry to bother you all. I don't mean to.

Hi @BlueBay sorry to hear you are feeling so lonely today.

No I dont have to reply, but I do want to. Just to let you know I am listening and I feel for you.

I know I havent been responding much lately, due to my own health issues. But I am always listening.

I hope you can dig yourself out of that deep dark hole you described. Its not a good place to be.

And I will say that you are never a bother ... nobody is forced to respond. You are very welcome to post anytime you choose. When I can, I will be here for you. And many others as well. I hope you are able to pick yourself up a little through the day. Financial distress is a very difficult place to be in, but it is not due to any failures on your part. Give yourself a big pat on the back for starting this new business to make as much contribution as you are currently able. You are doing as much as you can to help your situation, and that is all anyone can do. 🌸💞🐶

Hi @Owlunar 🤗💖

Emelia

@BlueBay you are worthy of friendship and support. We are here with you 💝you are not bothering us.

We will email you and check in.

I want to reply too my sister xoxo @BlueBay ❤

Hugs and hello @Paperdaisy , @Emelia8 , @Owlunar

@BlueBay

I remember the first Christmas after my son died - I actually could not go into a shop to buy anything for my husband or daughter - my grief was so severe - I had two small mugs I had bought earlier in the year and wrote notes and put in them - it was all I could do

And when I went to the local shops for some reason I could not believe how life went on and other people were driving about - walking about - talking - laughing - it was Christmas Eve - aw - bad

I did go to Church that night and sang in the choir and did the same in the morning - it helped a lot - maybe my faith helped

And financially - I do know - I couldn't work then yet and financially it was rough - it did get back to work in time to get past this dark year - but I do understand how bad it feels for you right now

You are not alone and it's your BPD that tells you to feel unworthy - we don't have to post - we do so because we can and we want to. As for feeling sorry for yourself - you can if you want to - no one will take that away from you. So - yes - hide away if that helps

As for trips - for me that's not on - and for a long time in my life it wasn't on. I know I could visit my frail, aged relatives in Tassie now but I have to consider my own health first. There is no point in feeling that other people are better off because they are talking about it - COVID is still about and I am not prepared to exposed myself really - yet - though I am double-vaxxed. I am sure many other people are being very careful too - we only see the crowds on TV in airports and shopping centres. Many of us are still at home.

And I can tell you money doesn't make anyone happier - it would be easier not to have all this stress - and in your case you have your wealth tied up in your house - and super - and you can't get it but it's there

As bad as you feel - think that this is a hard time of year for everyone in some way - the festive season covers a lot of sorrow in a lot of people - you are not alone

Just remember your BPD makes you have uncontrolable periods of time and lifts suddenly - take time out with the can't-be-bothereds - have your coffee on your deck - bugger the tourists and go to your beach in the early mornings and in the evenings after the tourists have gone home for dinner

And we love you here - just take your own time and face the sale of your house when it comes -

I heard on TV last night I think - "Life is just a series of moments" - we can't have the one we just had and we can't reach the one we have yet to reach

We have the moment we are in - and whatever it is - remember - it's our moment

Lots of loves

Dec

Hi @Shaz51

I am not feeling really festive yet - I have sent my parcel to my grand-daughter by express mail - I hope she gets it on time - I have a couple of things to get - it's one day at a time right now

I do send my best thoughts to you and your family

Dec

@Emelia8

Hi Em - I agree with so much you wrote to @BlueBay

I am sure most people have had their share of less-than-Happy-Christmas-feelings. Sometimes it takes the time to feel the love -

You can't be having an easy time either - I have been thinking of you

Dec

I don't feel worthy atm @Owlunar @Shaz51 @Paperdaisy @Emelia8 @Jynx @MDT

i feel I'm a bother to my family. A nuisance for not able to contribute. Our older son transferred some money before without telling me. I cried. So nice of him.

feeling very deflated. I've been sleeping in bed a lot today. Just want the world to go by and I've also been dissociating a lot today too.
I panic a lot about the future. I worry.
I haven't even finished Xmas presents. I've bought nothing for hubby yet. Too much to think of.
I just want Xmas to come snd go.

It will come and go @BlueBay and you don't have to do anything about it

But what can you do?

My guess is your mood can change at any time - I hope it does.

I have had some bad pain today - all I can do is breathe and wait till it passes - so this is what I suggest you do - just breathe and this time will pass

But it's hard - I know

And you are worthy - you can believe us

Dec