Need to vent

Hi @oceangirl yes i need a lot of work on my core values/beliefs. I need to work a lot also on my self esteem because at the moment there is none.

@BPDSurvivor yes, glad you get me!! I do have a friend that does catch up with me every few days for a walk and coffee. I suppose if i was that 'bad' then she wouldn't want to catch up.

But it's hard because i don't see it like that at all.

I'm really stuck today. I was supposed to have a phone consult with my psychologist at 9am but received a call at 8.30 to say her hubby was a close contact of covid. so that was cancelled. i then called my psych to see if i could see her today, she is fully booked and my wonderful GP is away for a week being school hols here.

so what do i do - i have just made a pasta sauce for tonight. I cleaned up the study with little A's books and toys in baskets. And now i am in my PJ's bored out of my brain!!! The sun is out but very windy, guess i could push myself to go out there - but - today i just want to cry and hide away from the world.

i am too scared to look at my bank balance because i know roughly what the balance will be. but i don't want to look because that will confirm my fears and i just can't go there.

financially - i really don't know what to do. i know i need to stay away from work to get myself better, i don't think i am ready to go back. but the flip side is - where will the extra money come from. our boys are great helping out - but i still stress and panic.

i just can't think about work. even the thought of looking again and going to work in a few months is really scaring me. i wish i could have got an appt today to my psych. but i understand she has other patients to see too. Not just me.

I do have some material i could cut out to make my eye pillows to eventually, hopefully sell online. I could do that.

but the motivation at the moment is really really low.

i am sorry i am writing far too much.

@Snowie @Shaz51 @MDT

You are not writing too much hon @BlueBay

If it helps to write it out then write as much as you need.

I'm sorry you can't get in to see your psych and that your gp is away. It is hard when we don't have that support around us.

I need to go online to bank account but am sooooo scared. I'm panicking. Very anxious to see what the balance is.
Im too frightened. No one else can do it because hubby has no idea how to do it. And I've showed him so many times.

@Snowie @BPDSurvivor @oceangirl @MDT @Shaz51 @Emelia8

@BlueBay ,

You are not writing to much - conversely, thank you for keeping us in the loop!

And yes, I totally 'get' you. Relationships are challenging, and often our thoughts go into negative mode. Now it's about retraining our brain to work another way! Hard work! But you are right - if you are so 'bad', why would your friends continually want to hang out with you?

Also, over the course of your posts, I can see how stressed you were while you were working. Perhaps take this as a way of letting your body heal, as you put it? I totally acknowledge that it is tough financially, yet money without health is NOTHING. Isn't it better to have less but have your health?

Perhaps this is a time to pursue things you love doing - and if it means selling a few things online, go for it!

Not to mention your amazing children! You have so much @BlueBay . You also have all of us here.

I'm all ears for you @BlueBay ,

BPDSurvivor

@BlueBay Thank you for your message my sister. I hope you can start doing, some of the things you enjoy. There are numerous ways you can increase your self esteem and pleased that you're going to try to do this. Hopefully working through your trauma you start to heal and move forward in your life. Talk to you soon.

@BlueBay

@Snowie @oceangirl hugs xxxooo

Hi @BPDSurvivor

i know you're right - i need to look after myself, my mental and physical health. Because without that there is nothing. So true. I guess, me being a stress head and panicker, i do panic a lot and yes today I did look at the bank account and it's terrible.

I need to keep thinking to myself that yes all bills get paid, mortgage still gets paid, we have food and a house to sleep in at night. I am very grateful for that. I have a loving family. But now my health is number 1 priority.

I have some satin material now so i may start to cut and sew the eye pillows. Then all I need is some rice and lavender oil (which i bought half price from a lady in our area who had to close down her wholesale business).

Ok, slowly slowly i must remember is my aim.

That sounds great @BlueBay .

Looo forward to seeing a photo of your work (if you're up for it).