I was first diagnosed with Borderline PD when I was about 28, Well I was told I had Borderline Personality Disorder and what I heard was that I was on the borderline of having a personality disorder. I had tons of stresses happening at the time. Disabled kids that needed my full focus and the best of me and anything about me was just so far down the list it hardly registered.
About 12 years later I read an interesting article that I related to about BPD. Yep. The penny finally dropped. I booked an appointment with a psychologist that day and said. I think I need some specialised help of some sort because I think I have borderline personality disorder. I recited the story as above and they said. Yep let's get that appointment sorted.
I had been to counsellors throughout the years and continue to see counsellors, psychologists, and psychiatrists as needed, but that penny dropping moment changed things, I wasn't just 'weird' or 'broken' or 'wrong' or any other word I used about myself there was a name for what was wrong with me and it was recognised and there was specific therapies and treatments for me.
Now after many years of counselling I am weird, repairing, and right!! I love my weird.
I also have C-PTSD which of course made the whole healing journey even more challenging, having experienced a wide range of traumatic experiences left me very worn down and tired, depressed and anxious, loaded with rage that had no outlet, bucketloads of grief and sadness, along with next to no self worth and being solely responsible for three kids who needed me to lead the way and be there for them.
There were many times I made an appointment for me, counselling, or for a haircut, or gp whatever and had to cancel or postpone because I had to take one or more of the kids to an appoinment that was important to them. I am not complaining, just stating how it was.
Now the kids are all living independently and I can focus on me and my needs, well most of the time, I still have to advocate for one or the other and get stuff sorted for them but mostly I am not involved in the day to day of their life.
I have managed, along with my third husband to maintain a marriage that is easier to count in years than months. 8 years now and ongoing!
Life today has its own challenges, but with antidepressant medication, anxiety medication, a big box of tools I have gained over the decades, and learning to accept my faults and failings as a part of this complex organic machine that is me I know life's joys, and happiness, the kindness, caring and love.
Most of all I know HOPE!
