Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script

Hi @Rosemary4 @Gem17 @HenryX @Judi9877

(Also, Hi @BlueBay - this MAY be a trigger for you as it discusses my mother and the potential reason for my BPD - please don’t feel the need to read on).

Not sure if you are aware, but I’m at my parents’ place in Sydney at the moment. I made a very interesting observation of my mother yesterday.

Three adults were sitting in the loungroom (my sister, her husband and my mother). My 16 month old niece toddled over to my mum, reached out, climbed onto her and was hugging her. It was so cute to see. However, at no point did my mum return this affection to my niece. My mum simply said to everyone, “why is she coming to me? Her mother [my sister] and father are right here, why doesn’t she go to them instead?” Not longer after, my neice lost interested and toddled off.

This was an eye-opener for me. From the time I was born, my mother NEVER hugged me nor kissed me. We NEVER discussed emotions. Everything was matter-of-fact. My dad (who is more affectionate) was often working and I didn’t have much of a relationship with him. Even though I was closer to my mum, I now know was emotionally deprived.

My psychologist has been telling me this for a long time but I didn’t want to accept it. Now, I see it plainly. I don’t blame my parents, nor do I hold a grudge.

I was not so much ‘abused’ as a child, but the trauma of emotional neglect really has affected me and most likely the root of my BPD.

It’s been a great insight and something I can work on.

Also, my friends, while I’m here in Sydney, I will be taking a short break from the forums. I may pass by and read along at times, but my presence will be limited. I’ll post soon, most likely when I’ve returned to Melbourne.

In the meanwhile, take care!

BPDSurvivor

Hello @BPDSurvivor , @Rosemary4 , @Gem17 , @Former-Member , @Judi9877

Your description of the events yesterday, I think, is both graphic and insightful, @BPDSurvivor .

I do feel a sense of the awareness that you experienced in that situation. Particularly, as it appears, your having been separated, emotionally and physically, from the environment for some time and seeing these events in a 'present' perspective.

Sometimes, in such a situation, the question arises, for me, about what the person, your mother in this case, may have missed out on in their life, and possibly still do. The inability to receive and accept affection is, I believe, often a mirror image of the inability to offer and give affection. These barriers in a person's capacity can be associated with feelings of being unlovable, unworthy, even feelings of being bad, often imposed during childhood.

I think that the inability to respond in affectionate ways, can be a product of previous experience, fear, anxiety about causing some harm to another, even if merely by one's own presence. This is an aspect of my own interaction with others that I have recently 'explored' in counselling discussions. Most often, I do not believe that people act consciously in these ways, and certainly not with a wish or desire to offend or hurt others. Rather, often from a deep seated protective or defensive posture. Internally stated as:

"If I let my guard down, I might allow the possibility of something terrible happening."

However, we cannot, as a child, understand the reasons for development of such patterns of behaviour in ourselves. By the time we have progressed to adulthood, those patterns of behaviour have often become part of who we perceive ourselves to be.

Nothing that I have said diminishes the impact on the people who have experienced this type of behaviour. I hope, that through awareness of some of the characteristics described in my own behaviour, I may be able to engage my grandchild(ren) in ways that are more encouraging, nurturing, affectionate and comforting than may otherwise have been so without that knowledge and awareness of myself.

With Best Wishes

Encouragement, Nurture, Affection, Protection and Comfort

@HenryX

Thanks for the warning @BPDSurvivor

I read your post and I feel for you.
My mum is like yours - shows no emotions except snger sbd verbal abuse. She never showed love to me. She never hugged me or kissed me. But then either did dad. He has never shown affection or any emotions at all.

emotional abuse is definitely a thing. It leaves scars. Deep wounds.
hugs @BPDSurvivor xxxooo.

Hello Everyone!

I just popped by this thread and wanted to welcome @Farmboy @Maybe1 @PeteC @Jillaroo who joined this week's Topic Tuesday Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT .

Hello @BlueBay @BPDSurvivor @HenryX @Rosemary4 @Gem17 How are you all?

Hi @tyme @BPDSurvivor and others

I’m struggling with my BPD

how do you accept what you have

I know everyone says “it doesn’t define you”

but to me it does because I’m behaving in ways a BPD person would

I have a lot of what BPD is

I guess what I’m saying is I’m angry at my diagnosis. I’m angry at my emotions. So up and down. I struggle to accept.

Hi @BlueBay ,

You’ve raised some very good questions here that I remember I also asked myself.

I didn’t like the “me (monster)” I’d become when my emotional brain took over. After seeing the “damage” I’d done to myself and others, I realised that whether I accept the diagnosis or not, I still have the behaviours I needed to deal with.

I guess I stopped looking at the BPD label, but instead, focused on what was not working for me and reflected on how I could improve in areas - one at a time e.g. I didn’t like changes and would get angry if there were changes = hence I focused on working on this.

When I think about it, it’s like when an sculptor has created something. If there’s a part they don’t like, they focus on improving that part. The process of improving one part may cause another part to go “wrong”…we then focus on the next…

Does this make it easier to understand?

Im still undergoing this ongoing process of perfecting and improving. For example, I still have a very short fuse and get angry easily. I am working on pausing before reacting…

Sitting with you,

tyme

Hi @BPDSurvivor

Hi @BlueBay

I can thoroughly understand you being angry at your BPD diagnosis as I too often get that way. I’ve realised that I have 2 types of people with my BPD who I define as being like Beauty and the Beast- a nice side and a nasty side- both of whom can come out at any given moment much to my surprise. The best way I’ve learnt to handle it is to accept that like everyone else, I have good and not so good points to myself and who I am and that’s just the way it is. The only difference is I tend to be more extreme with my reactions and my behaviours unfortunately which can get me into trouble sometimes.

You have to remember that you are more than your BPD diagnosis and that’s vitally important to remember. You are special and unique and smart and funny and a great forum member in this special community. I really enjoy your knowledge and I like how you are so friendly towards all forum members. They’re special qualities to have and I respect and admire these in you.

Take care forumite friend!

Judi9877☺️💐

I agree @Judi9877 !

I love the idea of beauty and the beast. It’s so true.

And yes @BlueBay , you have amazing qualities that people can only dream of.

Thank you @Judi9877 for sharing your perspective too.

Im sitting with you @BlueBay ,

tyme