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In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
depression101Senior Contributor
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
I need hpnest comment. I told by my wife that she feels mentally abusdd. I need opinions because this realy distresses me. Firstly I am diagnosed with major depression.
The abuse comes because as an old fashiondd man I wS told it was my jkb to care for my wife. My wife genuinely feels that she has been demmened by me, made to feel like a fool and kept out of ddcisions.
If she feels this then its real to her.
The demeenjng probably happened because im a sarcastic bastard iften jokjng but obviously hurtjng.
My big problem is was I wrong to shield her from financial stress and just get the problems fixed. She hates numbdrs so I thought I was doing the right thing. The caring thing.
Please your feedback.
In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
Hi @depressed. Shielding your wife from financial worries sounds good, in theory. however, todays' wives are not the same as your mother might have been. I presume your dad handled the money, kept your mum, gave her housekeeping etc. Sarcasm can be extremely hurtful, destructive. If you had been on the receiving end of the sarcasm, you may have understood her hurt. Perhaps if you had told her what was going on with the household. My ex was similar to you, except he was a worrier. I'm the sort who is inclined to accept I have enough money to pay bills, rent, phone, petrol, utilities etc, My ex would often tell me we can't afford so and so. Then he would go into detail, why. If your wife was the sort who asked why you couldn't afford so and so, perhaps sharing the reason/problem might have helped her understand. While it is good to have the values you have, sharing is so important for marriage. Have you considered counselling to learn how to communicate. I'm not trying to say you don't know how to communicate, but there are ways to talk without resorting to abuse, name calling etc. By shielding her, thinking you were doing the right thing, without explaining why you shielded her, you have hurt her more. Perhaps if you were to write to her and apologize and suggest meeting with a counsellor to learn to listen and communicate. Telling her you love and adore her won't mean a thing at this time. She needs to believe you are willing to 'cross' the road, meet her halfway, listen. She is sensitive, so are you. Forget the values you were taught by parents etc. She is your wife, respect her opinion.
In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
Unknown userMember
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
Hi @depression101,
It sounds so hard being labelled like that by your wife. Your intentions seem like they were well placed, it's a shame it was interpreted the way it was.
I think @pip's suggestion of looking into couples counselling to figure out the best way to communicate with each other is a great idea.
I think often times when we grow up in different places, with different values and expressions it can be really difficult to communicate effectively with a partner. What one person finds rude/offensive, another might find playful/respectful. Relationships can be tough.
The main thing here is that you are working towards something.. Looking for feedback, support, advice. That tells me that you want to grow and get better, and that's a very courageous and powerful thing. Let alone talking to other members on the Forum about your troubles. An incredible act of bravery @depression101.
Thanks so much for sharing. I hope things improve.
In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
depression101Senior Contributor
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
Thank you so much. At 62 I have some learning to do.
In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
Unknown userMember
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
I think that's the case throughout our whole lives @depression101🙂 We never stop learning!
In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
PeppiPattySenior Contributor
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
PeppiPattySenior Contributor
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
PeppiPattySenior Contributor
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
.Can I go on another place @pip and @Former-Member
Truthfully, this is tough for you but I just want to write how I FEEL.
You make me feel that couples councelling might be an avenue that you may go through. But we all make huge mistakes. Really really big mistakes. Much bigger than yours.
I feel that it's okay if you let her show you her anger for a little while but we all need to be able to at the end recognise that she needs to move on and not be in that position of putting you down. You have deep depression and she needs to recognise that you deserve that care and compassion given to you.
Do you understand?
It reminds me of a wonderful little book that Laing Wrote called Knots. IT's about relationships. we all make mistakes. We just need to learn to say sorry and ................the other person to let it go.
Relationships CAN be tough. If you read what goes through my brain about my soul mate, you would ask me if I should be in couples councelling. My husband is not in a good space at all. I find it very easy to be frustrated but if I do......it would be worse for him. He who is not coping at all would be hanging on a thread.
Ive really liked what so many people have written to you.
Please take care of yourself. We care.
PP
In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
@depression101. Firstly I need to appologise to you for being a bit blunt and not as supportive as I could/should have been. I'm sorry. I was and am very worried about you and hope that you do seek further help to assist you during this emotional time. You have received some great advice from others here. I hope that you will find a connection with one or two of them and discuss things further with them. It's good to have that understanding and support of others here. I'm just sorry I didn't offer that to you. Please let us know that you are safe this morning.
In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
pipSenior Contributor
Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife
@depression 101. I'm 65 and still learning. Concealedcows hit the nail on the head: we never stop learning. We learn every day. We make mistakes daily, often repeating them several times, You seem to be on the right track more so than you were. You also appear to be willing to try to change. You have so much to gain and nothing to lose by learning, reassessing your attitude etc.
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