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Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

depression101Senior Contributor03 Aug 2016, 9:40 am AEST

Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

I am diagnosed wuth complex majir depression.

I have hurt my wife (mental stress to her) and she has left me.

This made me face upto my illness, but she insisr she has lost her live.

Everyone tells me I have to just accept that. Ok but its not.

Im 62, married 3 times, I love my wife.
I csnt stop this feeling and realky dont want to.

She is beautiful perdon, I made it to hard for her.

I want to communicate but get told not to.

Thatd tearing me apart.

51 replies

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In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

KurraSenior Contributor19 Oct 2016, 6:29 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

At 66 I find it's possible to change and to learn new ways. For example I have found that to be able to look after my partner, I have to look after myself first. Lots of money doesn't give people happiness, it frequently leaves them feeling a huge amount of guilt and what if questions. Please reconsider your ideas about superannuation and your untimely demise. It would be one way that you could ensure that she'll feel that she's being punished by you for the rest of her life.

At our ages we have a lot of good living ahead of us. I understand that you might find this hard to believe at the moment but in time as you adjust to your current circumstances you will eventually be able to see a little light at the end of the tunnel.

My hubby blamed the break down of our marriage on my bipolar. The aftermath lead me to a similar course of action that you are contemplating. I was saved by the police and only just saved. CPR is a very important skill to learn. I'm glad the police were there to look after me at a time when I couldn't look after myself.

As it happens my husband and I did get back together again and today we have a degree of happiness in our lives that we might never have attained had we not spent that time apart. It was a time when we were able to grow as individuals and we are both much better people now.

Have courage @depression101. Right now just concentrate on taking one step at a time. Maybe make yourself a cuppa while you sit out in the sun relaxing. Cry if you need to do so. Shout, stamp your feet and if you haven't collapsed in a for of laughter by then, throw yourself on the ground, drum your legs and arms and have a good old 2 year old tantrum. You don't think that I'm serious but I am. It does help release some of the pent up emotions that you have inside.

Take care and keep talking to us, whenever and however you need to.

Hugzzz 🎶

In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

depression101Senior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 1:33 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Hi everyone.
Well Ive been to help my wife pack up the house up north.
Transffered it all back to Perth.
So now she isnt "trapped" up there.

Not the easiest of times. Im totally in love with her, and she says no love for me.

Spent a couple of nights in hospital, just to stressed to cope without support.

Tried as best I could on long drive back in seperate cars. Failed when I stood up for me.

Told to go at Carnarvon so I did. All over her daughter not paying bills on time, seems its always my fault.
So night drive to Geraldton.

I have suggested marriage counselling, waiting on reply.

Cross everything and hope.

Very scared.

Thanks for past suppirt to all.

In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

utopiaSenior Contributor15 Nov 2016, 1:39 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

@depression101. Well done for taking time out in hospital when you needed to.
Are you talking with a psychologist or counselor yourself? Even if your wife agrees to marriage counseling (& I hope she does) - you still need counseling for you.
Wishing you all the best.

In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

depression101Senior Contributor19 Jan 2017, 2:37 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Welll here we go. After spending the last few months, Sharing" our home with my wife as a Flat Mate more than anything, so we could do maintanace work together to prepare for sale, her choice not mine, things came to a gead yesterday when my councillor suggested I couldnt carry on with such turmoil and uncertatinty in my life. She suggested I ahd to face this and ask my wife if we had any chnace. I was very scared that negative would come as reply and it has.

despite what I hope would be something in communication all I got was HATE and shes not at fault despite me being clear I accepted ALL fault but I was trying. She refuses to discuss but expects me just to do as she demands. This hurts so much.

My only option as I see it now is to do the inneviatbale and move out to live in my car ASAP. I cant accept being here anymore. All my benefit goes on contrbuting to my half of the mortgage , $555 in $555 out every fortnight. I will have to cease Internet as thats hers, Cant afford my mobile and really worried about cant afford to register my car next month so that may have to go leaving me on the street.

This is all just to much !!!!

In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Unknown userMember19 Jan 2017, 3:24 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Hi @depression101

Thank you for connecting with the us here today, I'm so sorry you are experiencing huge changes in your life which you aren't neccessarily wanting to happen. It's difficult when life presents different paths for us than we would choose if we had the choice. Sometimes the choice is made for us. Your pain is heard here today. I hear your struggles and your pain in your post.

I would like to let you know that I felt proud of you when I read about you carrying through with what you had discussed with your counsellor. I can imagine that wasn't an easy thing to do, to talk to your wife and ask those tough questions. You did it though, well done.

Please call the Sane Help Centre on 1800 187 263, we're here M-F from 9am-5pm (EST) if you need any assistnace with services or suppport.

Take care of you please 🙂

Pebbles.

In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

PeppiPattySenior Contributor19 Jan 2017, 3:28 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Dear @depression101

How are you today? You deserve half of the house payout ......you can do this. In that you are seeing a councillor is good.

Caring about you,

In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

utopiaSenior Contributor19 Jan 2017, 6:34 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

@depression101. I'm sorry to hear that she won't discuss this with you. I'm glad you had the courage to ask her where things stand. No. It's not the answer you hoped for - but knowing will help with your mental health.
Go and speak to some community service workers - who can counsel you financially and direct you to other services that could help. For free.
You need to put the house on the market - whether it os ready or not. If the house is not up to scratch - you'll need to account for that in the price you want to sell for. But you can't be financially and emotionally held ransom by a house or by your ex. Cut your losses.
Try and look afted your physical health - eat well. Reduce drinking smoking drugs.
Try and stay in touch with friends / family - even if just by ph. Try not to isolate yourself.

In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

depression101Senior Contributor19 Jan 2017, 7:45 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Ive never stood up for myself as I think one reply suggests I need to do.

Ive beeen the one always going without. Taking holidays were my wife wants to go, thats if I get to go at all.

Ive given my wife evrything I can but it seems that in doing so I am to be accused of abuse. That really hurts but maybe thats just me being old fashioned. We have to accept these accussations in todays world.

I accept that I took the burdens in our marriage as things I needed to fix and probably made my wife feel unvalued when I was sincerely trying to just make sure she didnt have to face the tough stuff. I thought thats what a husband did but maybe im wrong.

I just wanted to see her HAPPY but now Im told she isnt happy.

I dont understand todays world.

In response to: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

utopiaSenior Contributor19 Jan 2017, 9:08 pm AEDT

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

@depression101. The type of husband you are - is not the type of husband your ex wants. The way you both view the roles of husband and wife are different. It doesn't mean either of you are wrong. You just have different opinions & I'm guessing, values.
There are two very important things that you need to do now.
1 - look after your emotional and physical health. Your therapist can help with part of this & help with advice if you are struggling.
2 - look after your financial interests. Don't let your emotions dictate your finances. That means - don't give your ex more than her fair and legal share. And don't you take more than your fair and legal share.
Unfortunately your marriage is over. I've lived through that. It's devastating at the time. I felt like nothing else mattered but my ex. It took me a long time to find myself again.
Soon you will be able to choose where you would like to go for your holiday. What you would like to do on the weekend. What you would you like to eat, watch on tv, music to listen to.
It may be the end of this relationship - but it's just the beginning of a new stage of life - that will bring some great changes.
Keep talking to us here and your psychologist and get some financial and legal advice.

In response to: Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

depression101Senior Contributor08 June 2017, 2:20 am AEST

Re: Depressed how fo I communicate with my wife

Hi everyone. Its been a while.

I need some guidance re- Application for Disability Pension from Centrelink.

Dear Centrelink is making my life hell in that despite their office suggesting I apply for the pension they have rejected it and also declined the review.

received some long legal worded letter from the review suggesting I can appeal to AAT but it just seems such a waste of time and frankly is stressing me backwarsd with my depression. Thinking bad options.

It seems such a waste of effort.

Particularly it is playing on their rule that your illness must be STABALISED. What is STABLE with mental health. It just seems such a wide word so they can reject applications.

Any ideas or comments that could help me understand this would help a lot.

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