childhood emotional neglect

@Powderfinger I just know how it feels and how much sometimes you just need someone to be there. Glad I can help in some way even if it is small

@AEB It has only been less than a year since I came to the realisation of the abuse. I cut contact with the last two, sister and mother on December 1st 2019. It hit me hard. I had an exceptionally hard time for the first seven months. I was filled with so much rage, hatred, anger, disgust and pain. I do remember being completely out of it for a few days from shock. The truth going round and round in my head and most times relentless. I actually need to tell my therapist that weekly sessions are just too much. She wants to see me weekly and I guess she has her reasons, its just that I cannot manage weekly. There is such a load to get through before I can really start doing any healing in moving forward. The messaging is still there from all of them. So yea, I need people (not referring to you) to let me do it my way because I feel so pressured and it just makes me tired.

@AEB that I do not think will ever heal in me. Having someone be there for me. I took chances when I got a bit older. I asked someone to be there for me when my best friend died. That did not happen. I asked my mother to come get me when my best friend died and I knew I was about to become homeless. I did not want to be. She never did come. I asked my mother to be there for me last year. I openly told here I needher her. She told me she could not be my mother right now but maybe down the track. I asked my mum to help me out one day because I was really sick and I just needed a tiny bit of cleaning done, I paid for that. I asked for help from a doctor recently, he neglected in his care towards me, which I am going to report him for. So, I learned to adapt and not ask for help. If only well meaning people knew how hard it is for me to ask for help and why then maybe I would not feel as alone as I do in my life. Some damage just sticks.

@Powderfinger just wow I can’t imagine everything you have been through. But do you know what...I’m proud of you!!! You’ve stood up and said enough and cut those people out of your life. That is a huge step! You’ve been vulnerable and asked for help....that’s more than a lot of people! I’m only just starting to learn to ask for help. You are seeing a therapist that’s a great step forward for healing, well done.

@AEB Thank you for all your compliments towards my healing. It seems to me in order to heal, you need to break more. I'm tired @AEB I remember the scene from the Green mile when that actor says to Tom Hanks "I'm tired Boss" I completely understand. I'm not sure if I want to keep going. It's not just cause I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling the way I am and I really can't see a change in that for me.

I know I need space. Space from therapy, from life, from connecting. I need space to find me because I look in the mirror and I don't even know me now. I just sit here in my house, with a person who doesn't talk to me at all, who was once a partner to me. Who doesn't appear to want to be here and I'm blank most days.

Every year for quite some time I've said this year is going to be a better year for me and it never is. It seems to me that as soon as I get a partner, my life gets tipped upside down again. I'm very sad. I've created beautiful memories with someone I held and loved so very deeply. I allowed myself to believe I'd finally met my one. For that person to completely shut me out is devastating.

The lines that say it's not about you, you can do better and so on are not helpful. It's just piss poor lines that totally make painful feelings exempt. The expectation is from most people that you suck it up and move on. I feel completely alienated from society. It seems that morals, virtues, love, depth and pain have no place. Those things are drowned out in pubs, drugs, shopping sprees, lunch with the girls, everything but those things. In that way I may as well be an alien.

@Powderfinger i feel you. im in the same position. my girlfriend and i have just split up as well so i totally understand. i gave up my life for this woman. my home, my job, my childs school and for what??? for it to all go crap and she asks us to leave 5 months later. im tired too.

@AEB I'm very sorry to hear your pain. Realities are painful to deal with. I saw in one of your other posts that you said hopefully you can fix this relationship down the track? Yes, you chose to give up big thing for this woman. What did she do for you? What did she give back? I'm aware there are nuances in life that can change a thought or opinion, it is valid in this situation.

She asked YOU to LEAVE. Is there something to go back for later? The human heart is a fragile thing. It's not just an organ. Hmmmm...of course the choice is always yours. Nobody knows you better than you. I hope you and your child are safe. I'm sorry.

@Powderfinger yeah was told we could possibly fix things down the track but the more time that passes i can see that itis less likely to occur. I gave up everything for her and what did i get in return? Igonored and left alone. small country town where i know nobody and im left to sit all day with nobody as she goes to work and i dont have a car to get anywhere, so cant get a job they are too far away and no public transport. so i sit alone all day with these thoughts in my head...and i wonder why my mental health has declined so badly. i love this woman with all of my heart and i would do anything for her but im seeing now that its all one sided and its just me who feels this way.

@AEB I truly cry for you. I've been in this situation, except in a foreign country with no money and no way of getting back to Australia. It is a betrayal I have never been able to talk about. My therapist wants me to. I'm going to have to get firm with her and tell her it's not in my best interests at this point.

Anyway, back to you. It's ok to leave her and take your child with you. It's a painful and sad reality that she is not interested in helping you. It's time to make a plan. It's time to look at some options. It's time to decide what us RIGHT for you and your child. My suggestion, get out of there. I do understand loving someone and discovering painfully it's one sided. I do understand love just not die in a person that loves someone. That is a time job. I think a plan to leave is a good place to start. You can talk about your plan here if you like.

@Powderfinger i am very grateful i have an aunt and uncle who are helping me to get out of here tomorrow. just then need to try and find a place to live which is the hardest part at the moment. trying to get my daughter into a new school. its been really hard on her too. im just so scared