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zipperSenior Contributor
Hello ladies
I am a wife who has had a husband with depression for 10 years now. He has had multiple hospitalisations, long series of ECT's, and is now not able to work. I would love to hear from ladies who have been, are in, my shoes and was wondering if you would answer a few questions for me.
1. Where have you needed the most help, and, could you find it?
2. What has been your hardest struggle?
thanks in advance and all my best wishes
ZZ
In response to: Wives caring for Husbands
TootsySenior Contributor
In response to: Re: Wives caring for Husbands
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Ohhh @Tootsy
Sending you lots of understanding hugs my friend
I totally understand, I have to watch what I say , how I say it , when to say anything
My husband says I am not his carer, he won't get help any more
Finding the right balance can be tricky at times and then we have to remember our own self care also
@moderator
In response to: Re: Wives caring for Husbands
TootsySenior Contributor
In response to: Re: Wives caring for Husbands
tymeModerator
Hey @Tootsy @Shaz51 ,
Just reading through and wanted to share that earlier this week, I attended a conference on MH. One of the carers spoke from her lived experience and explained that although she was a carer, she was really, a wife. She mentioned that as soon as she pulled the word 'carer' out, it made her husband feel very disheartened as one needing to be cared for.
The terminology in turn added to their reliance and co-dependency.
Do you think the term 'carer' has anything to do with what you are describing @Tootsy @Shaz51 ?
Perhaps the term 'carer' also causes us to behave in certain ways? I'm not sure. I'm only throwing this out here.
I'm interested to hear what you have to say.
Kindest, tyme
In response to: Re: Wives caring for Husbands
Shaz51Senior Contributor
That is a good question @Tootsy , I have let a lot of things slide over the years and earlier in my marriage I have cried in the bathroom by myself
But it depends what you think we should stand up for ourselves more , over the years I have learnt to leave a suggestion, a small statement and let him think about what I said
Don't know how long you have been married , here for you if you have some questions xx
@tyme carer vs wife is tricky sometimes , and when something happens like my husband ended up having a breakdown and ended up in hospital
Myself went into carer mode even though I was not his carer
I had to change my attitude and try to be his wife
In response to: Re: Wives caring for Husbands
tymeModerator
By all means @Shaz51 , being a wife doesn't mean you can't also be caring for him. I'm more thinking the terminology of 'carer'.
Only a thought 🙂
In response to: Re: Wives caring for Husbands
Shaz51Senior Contributor
Interested in knowing more @tyme
What are your thoughts xx
In response to: Re: Wives caring for Husbands
tymeModerator
I'm not sure. I think the term 'carer' can be harmful at times. For a child, fair enough, but to be the carer for an adult may be demoralising? Now, I'm not saying caring for someone. I'm talking about using the term 'carer' - not the action of caring for someone. @Shaz51
So instead of saying, this is my wife or this is my husband, they may say "this is my carer" which reinforces that the person needs to be cared for? Will the then put in the energy to get out of that?
These are just my thoughts. All situations are different. Say, for example, Mr Shaz was not well, would you say to a doctor/nurse, "I'm his wife" or "I'm his carer"? And would your answer impact the his recovery?
In response to: Re: Wives caring for Husbands
Shaz51Senior Contributor
I have said that I am Mr shaz wife @tyme
And yes it would impact his recovery as he has said years ago " that I am not his carer but his wife "
Other thing he says is " I am married to you ( me ) not my family "
In response to: Re: Wives caring for Husbands
tymeModerator
The power of words, isn't it @Shaz51 ?
We are always learning.
I was only listening to the news about the rebranding of the 'Weather Bureau' or 'BoM' to the "Bureau of meteorology"....doesn't make a difference to some, but makes a huge difference to others!
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.
SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.
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