Wives caring for Husbands

@AuntGlow I don’t think it’s repairable right now

I'm so sorry to hear that @Tootsy. That must be such a vulnerable feeling... 😔

What do you need most right now? For yourself? 💛

sending you lots of hugs @Tootsy , sitting with you on your next step as well as your friends here @AuntGlow , @tyme , @Healandlove @AlwaysMyself , @Fullofhope79

ohh @Fullofhope79 I hope you are ok , how is everything going my friend xx

Hey @Tootsy ,

I haven't read the full thread (sorry) but enough to get the general gist that your husband has some mental illness and has been abusive and threatening towards you. ❤️‍🩹

@Shaz51 tagged me into your thread, knowing my nature of caring and supporting others. I'm currently in a phase where my husband has moved out for at least a while (possibly permanent), while he needs to figure out his own mental health and whether or not he wants to continue the relationship (because I'm not OK with how his behaviours were affecting my mental health, and he would not acknowledge there was any problem).

I was just saying last night to someone on the forums about having already grieved for the loss of the relationship. I think its a healthy process to go through grief of the loss.

I would love to know how best I can help support you - if you would like that, that is.

Hi @AlwaysMyself @zipper @Fullofhope79 @Tootsy ,

Thinking of you all today. Hope you are okay.

@AlwaysMyself @Fullofhope79 @zipper @tyme @Shaz51

thank you as always for your support. Last night was better. This morning already triggered with me getting up, apparently with a “look” that set him off. He said if I don’t improve he will leave. @AlwaysMyself I’d love to hear your input, how did you cope?

@Tootsy hun, I hope you feel safe in your home. I'm sorry to hear that there's tension. I'm concerned about you. You deserve to feel safe in your own home. I really hope things improve. Do you have people you can call if you don't feel safe?

(I wrote half a message yesterday, then came back later to finish it, but when I went to post it my account had timed out and so it all lost it! Sorry for the delayed response)

Thats a good question @Tootsy .

For a few years I had been trying to remove stress from my partner, hoping that it would give him some reprieve to feel better in mood and then his behaviours improve also. But they didnt, no matter how much I took off his plate - and that included any social burden of having to chat to me or support my mental health.

Over the past year I deliberately sought out more social and support opportunities with friends, because I knew I could not ask/expect them from my partner anymore.

In short- I progressively made myself more and more independent and not expecting/needing anything from him (physically, emotionally, financially). Which then put me in a position to be able to say "something needs to change" and know that he may choose to leave but that I can cope with that.

I found talking to a trusted friend really helpful because I could tell them all the ways I have tried over the past few years to improve things, all the ways I have encouraged my partner to seek help/support for his brewing mental illness... and that at the end of this nothing changed with him. And how when I said something needs to change, this wont last longterm, his response was that he didnt know if he wanted to try - and thus moved out whilst he figures that out.

My friend was able to validate to me that I have made a big effort and bent over backwards (way more than she would of 😅) and put up with a lot, but that yes the best thing for me is to speak up for my needs and say something needs to change. And if he chose to end the relationship instead of address the issues, then that is *not* my fault. I did everything I could to try and make it work.

In your case, given the high risk of DV, I agree with @tyme about being concerned for your safety.

Are you able to move elsewhere?

I know there are often a lot of barriers to this for people - be it financial, childcare, concerns for retaliatory aggression, physical dependence...

Can I ask what your barriers are (if any) to moving out - even if it is temporary until he can control his own behaviours/threats! - to ensure your safety and mental wellbeing?