Down in the Dumps

.

The numbing down.

The dumbing down.

The meds settle and my brain goes sideways.
I am so alone, most of the time.

I somethimes just like my own company.

The past 6 months were so busy and traumatic helping my elderly Mum into care, her fighting every inch of the way.

Now she is looked after, safe, a bit unhappy but trying to make the most of her new life situation.

Days and weeks spent being chucked into PTSD flashbacks. And bit by bit in fact learning that the person I was dealing with (the perpetrator of early abuse) is just a human being struggling too, and I hate that I hate that I saw his humanity. I feel SO conflicted. That I can be empathetic towards the person who caused me so much trauma... I just want to hate him, but I am finding I do not, but I cannot forgive him either, Its a hard thing.

Went to see a psychologist for a few sessions. Same old, Same old. First one, second one. Very down and anxious. All helpie and useful. Then flicked into a mild hypomania so arrived all bouncy and protecting my inner-core. She decided I didn;t need any more sessions, because of the way I presented. i couldn;t say - but I am actually hypomanic. Because when I am I don;t know, when I am IN it I don;t know. I just look and sound very together - but I talk fast and my thought flow and speech is quite different. But because these people don;t know me - they just see someone with a sparkle int he eye saying "I am going REALLY well" and they beleive me. Then the crash down, down. I have been crying every day, alone.

My poor partner had all her teeth out a month ago - from peridontal disease and she is trying to adapt to new dentures and I feel so very sorry for her - she supports us both the only person in our relationship who works and I feel so damned useless. I have taken good care of her preparing meals she can eat (soup, soup, custard, soup, scrambled egg) but she has to keep getting up and going to work putting her dentures in which hurt so much. Poor girl having to do that HAVING to do it so we can both survive.

I feel so useless, broken body, broken mind. She is going interstate for a week next week and I will be really ALONE then - and I am fearful of that. I can cope for the 8 hours she is at work, entertain myself do housework, do some grpahic design , flop about on facebook, read, watch TV, walk my darling doggie daughter, visit Mum (but I just need a break from Mum really!), shop etc - but really I feel right now that my life is such a waste of space.

I came on here with an intent to involve and read others stories see what I could do to reach OUT instead of just stewing on my own juices. I am reading other people's stries and it is jst crashing me down further.

My doggie-daughter is having her own dental today, she will be aneasthetised and have a tooth removed and scale cleaned, I have her on a very good diet, but her breed is prone to teeth decay. So I don;t even have her here breathing beside me. I know she will be beside herself at the vets she has such huge sepeartion anxiety. Poor girlie too.

Oh what a woe is me post this is! What shall I DO - to lift myself up and out? What? Suggestions welcome - it is cold and threatening rain so walk is not a possibility!