Down in the Dumps

Hello @MoonGal, it is great to see you xx

Hello @utopia, @Appleblossom, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member

@MoonGal I always liked your clarity about mood cycling and your poetry and your honesty.

I kept feeling like I had to do something "to make it all better" with my mother but eventually just have to accept .. it is as it is..

Lat week, on my trip I actually witnessed a similar mother daughter dynamic .. and going away was a positive intervention for my friend. Her daughter is over involved and micromanaging AND A BIT CHALLENGING AND CATASTROPHISING ..... but it was all good ... she also could joke & let go too. I respect they hAVE THEIR OWN THING GOING ... HOWEVER HER FORGETFULNESS REDUCED AND her CAPACITY INCREASED IN MY CARE. i AM NOT SUCH A STANDOVER TYPE ... BUT i DO SEE THINGS.

aNYWAY .. IT IS GOOD TO BE BACK .. I had great holiday ... my son was fine ...and I still feel this is the best community that I have been a part of.

Oh @Appleblossom - you described me perfectly and I needed to hear it. You probably hit the nail on the head with my mother management style when you said " Her daughter is over involved and micromanaging AND A BIT CHALLENGING AND CATASTROPHISING"

I feel sorry for the staff at my Mum's new aged care home. I think it is probably right that I have backed off. I will think on that some more.

Over on Metal Health Week post... @NikNik shared Denialle's story and asked "

What would you say to your unwell self?

I started to answer in a spirit of engagement and this, just, flowed out of me. I am present enough to know that would not have been an okay answer over on that thread... and if you are already feeling down yourself skip reading it, it's a downer.

________________________

My unwell self is the one who is mostly here, all the time now. The layers of years and years of the reality of living with a mental illness have taken their toll. I awake in the morning and my mind immediately goes to - I don't want to be here - but I tell myself, you are loved and your beloved needs you, the dogs need you, your Mother needs you.

Then I swing my numb and painful legs off the edge of the bed and stagger the first 20 steps of the day until the nerves come on line and I swallow the pills that shut down the wailing inside. I spend the first two coffees jerking my mind like a fish on a line trying to reel in the out of control thinking and plan my day.

A day filled with long lonely hours and losing myself in social media. I do the dishes, i wash the clothes, i make the beds, i vacuum. I might occasionally have a project to make a series of posters or some other graphic design job for a little NGO I support quid pro quo. And the unraveled mess of me gets showered and dressed and I blow dry my hair and put on a colourful outfit and leave the house for 20 minutes to walk the dogs, talk to strangers and shop for dinner. Then home and back into my snuggly uglies and maybe watch some TV or read for the next few hours,

I was once a high functioning full of energy manic-depressive, falling over every few months, but always getting up again, up again, up again. Even in my long years of undiagnosed madness, I always found the place and energy to work and be brilliant and shine for a little while. Now... now I am a barely hanging in there, day by grueling day.

I smile and try to be happy when beloved comes home, she doesn’t need a puddle of grief and mess when she is out there supporting us both.

So I tell my unwell self - all of these moments are shit, but you are not. Get up and do something for someone else.
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That is pretty sad huh? I am sitting here with tears in my eyes thinking "poor moongal". I would so love to turn it all round, but don't know how anymore. Is this fair grief, is it okay to be this honest and say it? Could I change it? Can I change it? Is this just a depression? Is it a valid response to a shrunken disabled life. I am lost and lonely and wish I could die, but also know that I will not do that. Because I love her, my beloved she would never recover. I have a responsibility in love to stay. 24 years of shared love, no matter how bad I feel I must not chuck that away.

I know this is not a crisis service and actually this is not a crisis, it is just how it is day in day out.

I try to think what I can do to shift this blanketing malaise, I want to start swimming again, but every time I have in the past year, my new thing - the painful bursitis in both shoulders - flares up.

Anyways - I think this was very helpful just to get it out, I shove it down and pretend its all okay for a while, then this... this that I have written bubbles to the surface again. At least writing this I got to cry for a while. I better take my meds. I hope this long haul of waiting for the TPD claim is over soon it hasn;t been good for me.

Tears are to the soul what soap is to the body.
[Jewish Proverb]

Oh @MoonGal

I have tears reading your post. You are struggling at the moment and I wish there was something I could do. I do understand how difficult it is for you when visiting your mum. I struggle when visiting my MIL in aged care with dementia. Some times she is 'with us' and talking and other times she is 'talking to the wall' and thinks it's all real. It is so sad.

It is so emotionally draining peeling off the layers, I get that too.

Hang in there @MoonGal you are worth it, you deserve a happy and healthy life.

take care xxoo

@BlueBay & @Former-Member - seen, validated, thank you. We all go through it. 💚

This afternoon I watched The Not So Secret Life of The Manic Depressive: 10 Years On. which I had recorded from Metal Health Week.

I also recently started reading Strictly Bi Polar.

This is after I abandoned reading The Body Keeps the Score - and being whizzed around like a lizard on a hills hoist by having to deal with my elderly frail, on again off again demented mum and the person who abused me.

When I read these things and see these things - all truthful, saying - this manic-depression is a life long illness, and you never ever recover - just learn to live with it to a greater or lesser degree... The descriptions of mania, of depression all of it - yes, my lived experience and I feel like wailing again. I am just always on the cusp of anxiety, if not actually anxious, I am being ridden by the night hag again - having nightmares about Donald Trump (no suprises there anyone following the US election) and I am overthinking, just wanting to runaway, runaway, runaway.

I try to be okay on the weekends for my lovely partner but am all over the shop. I so wanted, needed to get out this weekend but it was raining today so we had to skip our Sunday walk with the dogs and our coffees and cake while sitting at the cafe or looking a the sea. I watched two espisodes of Outlander (which I love) and then the Secret Life of Manic Depression this arvo and it sprialled me down down again. Whenever I am faced with the reality of THIS - this life, this illness I just want to wail. I just want to forget about it all.

I have to cook tea now - but I am staring into Monday with beloved off to work (thank goodness so I don't have to even try for many hours, but then again I AM going to see Mum because I didn;t see her at all last week, couldn't face it... I just want to stop the world and get off.

I also realised the diagnosis I received in 2014 was wrong I am not Bi polar II I am definately Bi Polar I having lived with this since I was in my teens.

Anyways gals, I don't want or need any nice words or hugs or anything - I know YOU all live this too and I am sorry for all of us, we are the nicest bunch of folk and don't deserve but have to live with this anyways....

I need to get a grip.

@MoonGal

💐💕