I feel trapped in this shitty life. I don’t know if your allowed to swear here, I don’t normally swear, ill probably get kicked out, maybe that’s a good thing. Ill apologise if I offend anyone, but this is me, this is where I am at. Ive kept so much bottled up inside for too long and ive got to let it out before it destroys me.
Ive spoken to helplines, I don’t find them overly helpful. They let you spill your guts, throw you a few numbers and then run and leave you feeling worse. I'm waiting to see a psychologist, on a waiting list, but how long do I wait?
I don’t have much support around, I feel extremely alone in my battle. I live with my parents, one of which is terminally ill and declining rapidly and the other who is aging and has health conditions of their own. They don’t need to know about my hassles on top of what they are dealing with, so I just have to mask up and hid the fact that I am not coping with life at all. That I am deeply depressed and don’t want to be alive. I cant be me. I cant cry. I cant spend a day in bed if I want to. I cant do anything without being asked why.
I have a daughter though. I wish I had succeed at ending life years ago. Then I wouldn’t be in this crappy life now. I wouldn’t of married the jerk that I did. He wouldn’t of done the things that he did to destroy my life all over again. I don’t feel my daughter is safe with him, but I cant do anything about it and that destroys me. The police and child protection did nothing to protect her, I feel let down by them. I wouldn’t have to deal with my declining health battles and chronic pain. Yet here I am. Stuck between deeply wanting to end life and not being able to cause then he would win. But what if it gets too much. What if I do something in sheer desperation and its too late.
I don’t know why I say all this. Its not helpful. But maybe someone will have a magic answer that I haven’t heard yet. Maybe merely to know I'm not alone. I don’t know. Maybe ill just delete it. i apologise again.
