You probably won't get this now until tomorrow @WIP so going to leave it here for you...
I felt much the same way a few years ago. I got sick (physically) and that lead to full on depression, anxiety and CPTSD resurfacing. I was in that dark place and felt there was no way out. I had no friends to turn to and no-one in my family because they just did not want to know I was so mentally unwell ...as had been the case previously in my life. So all I really had was my supports around me. I know right now you do not have that either and that is incredibly hard. But being let down and not trusting in anyone was all I had know so I very much get that 
It took me over 2 years, lots of help and support from the members, mods, community managers and counsellors here on SANE to get me through that. There were many, many nights that members would sit with mwe and hod out hope for me when I had none myself. SI was high for a very long time and I had absolutely nothing to live for (even my fur babies I thought would be better off without me). I cannot overstate enough how the support here helped me get through each minute, hour, day, week, month ...I had nothing - no job, no friends, no hope , no life but here I am now - back working, still alive and some days are better than others. There is a little joy back in my life - not a lot but enough to sustain me when it gets bad. And the biggest thing that has happened for me is that I can allow myself those down days knowing that I can (and will) drag myself up again - I never, ever thought that was possible.
I am not at all saying it was (or is) an overnight fix - it took 2 years to get the right meds, combinations and dosages that helped me find some kind of hope - but it did happen. I am also nowhere near okay but each day I put one foot in front of the other and walk this road with a little more light guiding the way. My hope for you is that you can find that support you are so admirably searching for because you both need and deserve it ...and along the way if the support you receive from us here keeps you walking that dark path until you too can see just a glimmer of light then that is what we will do.
There is a life out there for you Hon - it may not be the one that 'most' people believe it should be but we make that up as we go along. You have more strength than you know and are capable of achieving whatever you put your mind to - it just takes that little bit of help to begin the process. We are not defined by our illnesses but we do also need help to navigate the minefield that comes with that. ....so I will hold onto that hope for you - because you are worthy of a better life and you matter in this world 
