Changing meds

Thanks @Zoe7

Im crying as I read your post.

i just don't know that I have the strength anymore.

i always 'slip' or there's always something in 'just life' that I don't cope with and I go backwards.

My life feels like One continuous struggle - one step forward, three steps back! It's exhausting and destroys any hope that things will be different one day. I don't want this life, if this is what it is. It's just a struggling existence. Make sense?

@WIP Makes complete sense Hon. I have been right where you are sweetheart and it is such a horrible place to be. I can only continue to hold out that hope for you as so many here did for me in a very simialr situation. I could not see it for myself either but I see so much more strength in you that you possibly see in yourself. It takes both courage and strength to endure all that we have and all that we are faced with everyday. It is however something we do not see within ourselves or wish to acknowedge - especially when we are so low. That place is simply dark, difficult and ehausting ...but in saying that you continue to get up each day, you continue to reach out and you continue to connect with us here - all those things matter Hon and are all positive.

Thanks @Zoe7

just really, really struggling today.

i don't know that anything will help me feel better.

I'll digest your post when I calm down a bit.

sorry

No need at all to be sorry Hon. Here to listen and walk along with you @WIP I do know how hard this place is to be having been there so many times myself. I also know that no matter what anyone says it is difficult to find any joy or hope when that place is so dark - so do what you need to do today to look after yourself as best you can. I will be holding your hand the whole way

Hi @WIP ,

That IS depression in a nutshell. The dark clouds are only over your eyes, not you. As soon as the clouds lift somewhat, rays of sunshine can penetrate. It is like wearing a veil over your eyes. It is very bright beyond the veil.

Depression makes you look inward and backward. Every extra moment you are in depression may seem like an extra moment lost, but this will shift.

Hold tight. At least you have a mother around you who cares. I don't have anyone. I don't have a single soul or pet around me where I can boldly say I am close to them. I don't have close friends. I used to care because it made me depressed, but now I've learnt to accept it and move on. Life's too short to compare it with the lives of others.

I'm with you in this.

BPDSurvivor

Thanks for holding my hand @Zoe7

I feel so alone and that I'm not going to make it this time.

Thank you for being here with me @BPDSurvivor

I appreciate it.

Ive been pushing Mum away, cause I'm such a burden on her and I know how upset she gets seeing me in this state.

she was supposed to visit today, but I put her off till Tuesday. When hopefully I'll be a bit better.

I just so much want to be mentally healthier - consistently. The ups and downs are torturous and the downs mess me up so much, they are so severe.

I cry all day, can't eat, don't shower and just try so hard not to take my nifhtly meds early so I can sleep And not think.

depression is such a powerful beast, I don't if I'm strong enough some days - like today

It certainly is a pwerful beast @WIP especially on days such as today when the struggle seems that little bit harder ....but you have done this before and can very much do it again Hon

I agree with @Zoe7 ...you've come out of this black hole before, and you can do it again, @WIP ...

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@WIP wrote:

Truth is I don't really like who I am. I'm not a good person and my slip up was just another example of it. I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished for not being a good person (I don't have any friends or close family that care for me, other than Mum, I don't give back to the community or anything like that) and my punishment is major depression.

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I think that's your depression and low self-esteem talking 😞 Major depression isn't a punishment. It can strike any person, doesn't matter if they are rich, poor, bad, or the best person there ever was.

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@WIP wrote:

I'm beating myself up so much, that I don't deserve to live. At the moment, the way I feel, I don't want to live. I've wasted so much of my life and being depressed, I don't know how to look forward to having a better life. I just see black days where I struggle through with tears and negative self talk. Does your depression make you feel that way?

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You definitely deserve to live. I know you can't see any hope for the future right now...but there is hope. Yes, my severe depression made me feel that way.

And I wouldn't worry about having a shower - is it really necessary tonight? Can you start again tomorrow and try again then?