Changing meds

Very much hearing you @WIP I was once exactly where you are and often went days without sleeping even a couple of hours because my thoughts, anxiety and fears overtook me. It is not an easy road Hon - I do get that having been through it for years myself. It really is frustrating and contributes to our ongoing unwanted thoughts and further feeds into our ability to sleep.

It's torture and so horrible @Zoe7

I'm back where all I wanted as soon as my eyes opoened in the morning, that I could close them

again and sleep the day away. No have to think, or function or live. Cause I feel I just exist at the moment.
Lockdown for single people, those withou many friends options, and have a pre existing mental health issue is sooooo difficult.

I can only imagine what that is like for you @WIP as our lockdown here really did not affect me in any way ...but I am a homebody with no social connections outside of work, family and services - and only then I engage when I have to. I find peace in my home with my fur babies so I honestly can only imagine what it is like for those that are currently unable to see anybody or engage in the services they need.

What I do know is that that place you are in right now - wanting to close your eyes as soon as they are open and sleep again so you don't have to think or feel anything is not a good place to be. It is horrible and it does very much feel like torture

So how do I get out of this awful,
unhealthy place @Zoe7

What I do know is that that place you are in right now - wanting to close your eyes as soon as they are open and sleep again so you don't have to think or feel anything is not a good place to be. It is horrible and it does very much feel like torture

---

That is a very tough question to answer Hon as everyone is so different. A lot of times (far more than I can count) it was the wonderful forum friends here that got me through @WIP I can only go on what has worked for me but self-care and appreciating the things I could control were very high on the list. For me snuggles with Tobes were more precious, comforting and helpful than anything. Feeling that little fella that relied on me so much and loved me unconditionally was super important. I would snuggle with him next to me, feel his little heart beating under my hand and the softness of his fur under my arm. Tickling his tummy while he smiled at me was priceless.

I think the trick really is finding what works for you, finding that little bit of love, joy or simply comfort in something. That might be your hands wrapped around a mug of hot chocolate, sipping in it's warmth and savouring the flavour. Focussing on our senses is important - even if it takes us out of our head for a moment ...then building up those moments to grab onto when our minds start spiralling out of control again. I have a coping box with things in it that I often use but I also know how hard it is to reach for those things when we are feeling more out of control - that is when Tobes is really my saviour.

What do you have that has helped you in the past? Do you have a coping box or collection of things that you can use in these times? I know you have Levi and I hope he gives you a little of that comfort.

Hi again @WIP ...I'm really sorry you had a tough day yesterday, with being teary and feeling guilty...I hope you wake up feeling stronger and better this morning...

---

@WIP wrote:

Hi @NatureLover

I certainly hope your depression doesn't last till end of October. That's a long bout. Does the weather contribute, or has something in the past happened around this time frame?

---

Mine's the winter SAD kicking in...it usually lasts 3 months, August to October...but it didn't kick in till September this year, thankfully. It's not severe, no SI, but I still really hate it. Thanks for your good wishes 🙂

---

@WIP wrote:

The weather has such as impact on my depression - here's hoping this rain lets up soon.

I agree the depression makes it very hard to stay positive 😞 I'm sorry the weather has such an effect on you...it's the same for me, sadly. I hope this coming week helps you, with the sunshine forecast...

Hi @NatureLover

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

I woke up crying, so not a good start for me. I took an extra anti anxiety tablet last night to make sure I slept, and it was just too much, obviously on what I'd taken during the day.

I dont feel right at all. Im a little bit worried, but will take it easy, drink lots of water and hope that it passes soon.

i still feel very guilty for drinking during the week and now feeling more depressed and anxious from doing so. I was coming along ok for a few days and I self sabotaged by drinking, when I know it's not good for me.

Enjoy your walk if you get out for one 😀

@WIP sorry to hear you've had a bad start to the day, and aren't feeling right...I hope the day improves for you...

---

---

@WIP wrote:

Im a little bit worried, but will take it easy, drink lots of water and hope that it passes soon.

---

This sounds like a good plan.

I hope you can be kind to yourself about self sabotaging...sending a warm hug...

I feel slightly stronger today thanks, have caught up on the forums and am waiting for the sun to come out before going for a walk.

I'm not doing a very good job at being kind to myself about self sabbotaging @NatureLover

Can't stop crying and having a shower feels an impossible task.

Truth is I don't really like who I am. I'm not a good person and my slip up was just another example of it. I sometimes wonder if I'm being punished for not being a good person (I don't have any friends or close family that care for me, other than Mum, I don't give back to the community or anything like that) and my punishment is major depression.

I'm beating myself up so much, that I don't deserve to live. At the moment, the way I feel, I don't want to live. I've wasted so much of my life and being depressed, I don't know how to look forward to having a better life. I just see black days where I struggle through with tears and negative self talk. Does your depression make you feel that way?

@Zoe7 @BPDSurvivor @Emelia8

@WIP When my depression was at it's worst that is exactly how I felt. I did not see any point in going on as I had nothing in my life worth living for. I even pushed away my fur babies thinking they would be better off without me too. Of course that was not the case but I truly could not see it at the time. Depression is such an all encompassing and dark place to be - it eats away at everything we think we are or want to be, We cannot see the good we have in our lives nor the good within ourselves and so much of our thoughts revoolve around all that has brought us to that point whether that be in the form of past trauma, low self-esteem, lack of self-worth or the pain of living without any real hope for the future.

I can honestly say that all of that is still a major struggle for me but my depression is better (most days). It takes time to learn the strategies to cope just a little bit better with life, to find and value the good things in our life and to let them become more prominent in our minds than all the hurt, pain, disappointments and negative feelings we have about ourselves. It is not at all an easy road to take nor is it an overnight fix but bit by bit we can begin to find those positives in our lives. The ongoing battle within ourselves does continue - I am not going to sugar-coat that or pretend that recovery is a final place we get to where everthing is all rosy and perfect because that just not is the case. Recovery is an ongoing and often very difficult process that has it's ups and downs, good and bad, and ongoing learning along the way.

Right now none of that may seem at all attainable for you as in that deep, dark hole it is nearly impossible to see any light but there is hope in the distance - it just may be that we have to continue to hold onto that for you at the moment until it becomes a little more visible for you too. You have said that you were doing a little better before your 'slip' this last week so remind yourself of that and begin to work towards it again. There is no shame in slipping up nor in having to start from the beginning again Hon - so many of us have been in a similar boat - and as tiring, as disappointing and as difficult as that may seem - you have done it before and can do it again