I am struggling at the moment

"Everyone thinks if they pretend everything is alright everything will be alright but everything isn't alright"

😏

Sounds beautiful @Faith-and-Hope

Are you in the southwest of England?

Whats the weather like today?

Cornwall?? @Faith-and-Hope Hope all is well

I worked in Brighton a long time ago and had a lovely trip through the Cotswalds.

@Former-Member It is not always easy to self assess regarding crisis. At least not for me.

Take care all

It's ok @Former-Member, just having you guys around helps. I am finding it hard to get to the bottom of all this @Former-Member and why I spiral out over these things which seem minor to everyone else and life threatening for me. It makes it hard to talk about. The psychiatrist definitely doesn't know how to deal with me or enough about me and that doesn't help but I don't have a choice.

I am trying to work out what would help @Former-Member.

PS I wrote this response over two hours ago but my iPad ran out of charge and died. Luckily most of it auto saved.

Thanks @Appleblossom. You are so right.

So here I am at the moment. I haven't eaten because I can't face it, can't drink because once I go down to the kitchen I'll just bring back alcohol and the whole out of control thoughts take over so now I have a headache from being dehydrated. I've managed to go for a drink twice today both times ended up drinking alcohol and having to work through my thoughts again. This is my very messed up brain right now. I am very tired of my battles in my brain. 😳😢😬

Hi @Happyness

I am a Believer in The Reason for the Season but when it comes to the Secular Side of Xma$ I find the whole thing a horrible scramble for time and money that tends to overwhelm me - I have a hosts of Christmas behind me that are anniversaries of misery - Christmas Day is the third of a series of 3 painful dates within just over 3 weeks that lessens a little with time but will never go away

So what you say about everyone pretending everything could be alright and may be alright - ah - you're right - it is no good pretending I think - I endure the situation knowing nothing can change the truth

However - I do see my great grandchildren - actually - they are the children of my dd's step-children - and they are all wonderful kids - I am always glad to go to a family event - and I get one at Christmas

But - not everyone believes everything will be alright - here we know life has pitfalls and we walk into them - sometimes because there is no other way through life

And my family of origin did not like to be upset - that was terrible that they should be upset - and with that attitude they seemed to be more upset than I was - and that's weird

But I do wish you the best

Decadian

Hi @Decadian,

thanks for your show of support as usual. I'm really sorry that I wasn't there to offer support for an anniversary date the other day. I hope to be there for you for the anniversary of the adoption of your son. I can see this day will be difficult for you.

To me I can understand how the grief can be overwhelming on some of these dates. Sometimes I get angry at myself that I can be so messed up over some things that is hard to make sense of. I can understand your intensity and @Appleblossom and @Former-Member reactions to these but like you I don't understand my intense reactions and over reactions to seemingly everyday things. anyway just my observation. I hope today finds you ok @Decadian💜🤗

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks for your thoughts - I understand you are battling with intense feelings you don't understand and it is wonderful helpful to me when you write about how you feel like this - I am learning to understand my son better - his intense feelings about things confused me - I had no dx about his condition until I started seeing my new therapist -

Just an overview - he was uncomfortable inside his skin - his hearing was super-acute - he could smell things more intensely that the rest of us - he had no depth perception and his right hand was dominant but his left eye and left leg were dominant so he was unco-ordinated - and he was borderline toward sociopathology.

The most important thing was that I loved him and I would not give up on him -

Maybe so many people with MI have had their most important people give up on them - I don't know - but my family gave up on both of us - and um - this is so tough - yes - the picture is coming clearer since someone has help me sort him out and what you right helps too

I think I do understand intense reactions to what seems like everyday things. I don't have this myself often - I have intense grief reactions - but maybe what you feel is a sense of failure that you are ready to pop out of your skin. It's hard to explain - but I was not always so old and past it - I used to yell a lot

But time has passed - and I wish someone I could assure people struggling so hard with intense reactions - the world piles up on us - when my son was alive I would burn out

Perhaps I am on a path of understanding - or learning - my inquisitive nature will not let me rest -

But thank you

Dec

I'm really happy for you @Decadian that you are able to put the pieces together of his life. It seems to be bringing you peace with this knowledge. What a very hard life your son had. You were a wonderful mum never giving up on him. I know my third was difficult although not with the difficulties your son had but I always stood up for him too. At times I was criticised for it but I think he needed someone to always be there for him. When I was really unwell I abandoned him when he was 16 for about 6 months. He went off the rails during this time but when I was well enough we reconnected and I had to work hard to earn him back but I did. We are now close again but I know he will always need me on his side.

Im really sorry your son couldn't find a way to find inner peace.