I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member There was a time when I was far more reactive and small things upset me .. dont be too hard on yourself about it .. I sense that your heart is very raw .. and open .. it took a lot (15 years) of .. calm .. quiet .. meditations, yoga & tai chi, lots of lap swimming and LOTS of music .. to get me to this relatively calm space .. I think it was needed to regrow layers of epidermis .. and thicken the skin over my wounds .. but if we are raw .. we hurt ..

yes, I can still flip out .. but it is not so common .. I am learning to wrap up myself better .. I had a lovely day today ..

blowing kisses to YOU & @Decadian

Time for me to go to bed.

@Former-Member I can understand what you describe about your psychiatrist, and I am not sure if I am on the right track but I think you react to the way the psychiatrist treats you. I don't think he sees the real you or has gotten you the wrong way. I believe, they often try to put patients into a box, and none of us fit into a box. I think the way he treats you fuels that emotional insecurity in you and that starts the spiral in you.

I was going to write a bit more but I don't want to trigger you at this stage. I don't think its a good idea that you are drinking alcohol and can you promise me you will have something to eat and have some fluids please. I know we are different people but so much of story resonates with me and how you react to things. I still don't think you realize how good you really are and you have many skills and talents.

I am trying to think what helped me and perhaps what helped me might not help you. But I will say that a part of me healing was when I was living in Nth Qld 2007 to 2009 and in that time I didn't see a Dr very often at all and all my scripts my GP send from the Gold Coast so I didn't have to see a Dr. I find when I away from Drs I am generally better but I do have or had some great Drs. I think the litmus test for me is when I see these drs they add something to my life and I find I interact with people better when I have seen someone I felt I could trust. For me the issue has always been around trust. I think you need a Dr who is compassionate towards you.

Thanks @Former-Member

I would burn out from time to time when my son was at his worst - but he told me when he was in prison that he understood this and though everyone else went away - and didn't come back - I always came back - I am so glad now I endured those years

And my search for the reasons of his behaviour is bringing me some peace - for so long I felt I could have done more for him - but really - no one could have - and yet he never considered me to be his mother - his birth-mother had "thrown him away" - actually she had him taken from her illegally - a practise for years before and for some time after he was born - but still - what he thought and felt was important - not what was the truth even - no one can tell what another person thinks and feels really

I am so glad you and your third son worked together after you were not capable for so many mother - it would be hard to earn that trust,

One of the things I am learning here is that life is very cruel to those who are "different" - and yet - I would rather be "different".

But we have to be tough - so it takes time to grow a hide - but here - I can read people gradually learning how

Thanks @Former-Member

Sleep well tonight

Dec

Your such a beautiful soul @Appleblossom

Great advice for teej !!!

Hi @Former-Member

I usually seem to get very overwhelmed and start to fall apart over little things. a care worker said recently she didnt know why i did when i always manage to get through the things i get so overwhelmed by and that i just have to stop overthinking htings. i told her that its just not that simple. it may look that simple from the outside to jsut think that i was over reacting to things or not coping well enough, but its not something that i seem to be able to get a handle on at times. Now ive gone completely the opposite way.. and i'm waiting for an implosion of some sort.

Its easy for us to be extremely hard on ourselves and to judge and blame ourselves.. but it probably doesnt help us and probably does make it harder.

hoping that you are ok tongiht, stay safe, here with you

lj

Thanks @Appleblossom, it helps knowing what helped you. I guess feeling like having no sense of self to know what calms me isn't helping. I will have to work on it though. I guess trying things is how I will develop more of a sense of self.

@Former-Member I'm sorry I'm running out of steam to reply much but thank you. Yes you are right my psychiatrist and the mental health team in general trigger me a lot with trust issues and add to my insecurities. I only have one more visit with this one before another one replaces him. But from experience I will get another one the same. I think I could use a GP that was on my side too. I get the impression that the one I've got struggles with me too. She is just scared of my diagnosis mostly and knows of my hospital admissions so is pretty hands off which mostly I don't mind because she is a good doctor. It would just be nice to feel trusted by her too. It was interesting to read that your time without them helped.

Just for you @Former-Member i just managed to get a glass of cordial without anything else.

Thanks heaps for telling me this @Former-Member. It really helps to know it's not just me with it. I hope you don't implode. My wish for you is that after the term finishes you start to melt away lots of the stresses. I know there is still huge stresses but I hope just switching off from work for a bit helps you find some peace.

Im so tired now time to crash.

goodnight all💜🤗💤😴

Take it easy @Former-Member if you are running out of steam

I kinda sense you are on the way up- you always seem to bounce back at this point.

There is so much hope @Former-Member . Keep moving forward

Goodnight @Former-Member

PS Thanks for having a drink of cordial