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I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.
❤️@Former-Member .... I am feeling intuitively that it is part of your healing .... and it's only when you grow beyond this feeling that you will be looking back on it and saying .... "Oh, I understand now ....". I also feel that @Former-Member isn't at that place yet, but she will be .... and @Decadian has reached it .... her messages are telling you to keep going .... she knows the path .... it took her some time .... but she has come through and you will too ....
I hope this helps.
❤️💕
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Thanks @utopia. My therapy lately has been about strategies to stay alive and how to function. Everyone wants to steer clear of therapy again until I am stable, taking my medication as prescribed and doing basic self care. I guess this week maybe with any luck I'll be able to work through stuff. 4 of my last 5 sessions I've been in crisis so I guess that hasn't helped. Thanks so much for working this through with me.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
utopiaSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Anytime @Former-Member. Keeping safe is the most important right now. Moving through the next issue is secondary. But the time is coming. Try and treat yourself. Be kind to yourself.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
I hope you are right @Faith-and-Hope. I'm not sure which way is up again. Every time I become hopeful I fall down. Thanks for responding. 💜😊🤗💐
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Without being patronising @Former-Member .... it's how we learn to walk and talk .... but as infants we don't question the process .... we just persist with it .... at that point it is a natural drive.
There are some people who do need to learn to walk and talk again as adults, for a variety of reasons .... I am guessing there are similar psychological struggles involved, and you are not as alone as it may seem sometimes.
There are not others on the forums who I have found to be in my particular situation, but there must be others .... knowing that a break-through or emergence can take at least seven years has helped me to "get" that there is something of a timeline here. Maybe because the boundaries in other states are different and support services are far more accessible without a diagnosis, there are support groups full of people with our sort of story .... I don't know.
I do know that I can chat about it here and nobody judges me ... it's good to hear you sounding your feelings out a bit.
Hugs .... ❤️💕
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
KurraSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member What in your dream of all dreams wpuld you like to do/be? 💕🎶
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi again @Former-Member
I've just read through the messages again.
I am not sure if I have identified what your main concerns are about feelings of emptiness/ lack of connection/fulfillment etc
The other concerns are fear of failure/living etc
For me I know point A and B and my problem is I don't know how to go about getting from A to B. I know this is a simple term/concept but that is one of my fears. I'm not sure if I am on the right track here trying to understand were you are coming from.
Is some of the problem- a lack of trust in yourself- and at times when I have been able to achieve something - I've had to take the leap of faith.
I'm not sure what therapy approach your therapist uses or which ones you have had in past, and what programs you have done. Have u tried acceptance & commitment therapy.
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Evening @Former-Member, you know I pondered of recent meaning in things, and can relate in that emotions, memories out of nowhere cause havoc, creating a stir. I think your feeling of non-placement is meant to be right now? It's like so much goes on, and has been going on for so long that the brain freezes but in a healing way, to stop the ride, to take a breather.
I'm glad you still have one son living with you. Maybe let your son & girlfriend be your little light for a little while. It's very tough the days when the feeling of no connection to anything appears. Be kind to self and let it flow as it shall. ❤ You are cared for.
In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Beautiful @Former-Member❤️
In response to: I am struggling at the moment
Unknown userMember
Re: I am struggling at the moment
Hi @Former-Member, I'm with you, its good that you're debating the issue really, it means there's a big part of you, or many parts of Teej, that wants to live & debating the other. Both of us have gone through major life change, divorse, empty nest and unemployment were my hardest 'purpose' roles to lose. How long ago did you leave your partner? Have you heard of "Existenttial Crisis? "An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. This issue of the meaning and purpose of existence is the topic of the philosophical school of existentialism" There's a lot on the www if you wish to explore it, but I'd just get out of ya head as often as you can & put hand to task, NOTICING all the little insignificant things. Helps me a bit. Living in the moment, in tune with what's around us. Do you have any hobbies? Bring creative give me a boost. Hope this makes sense, brain not quit right today, tired 🙂
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