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I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember23 July 2016, 6:06 pm AEST

I am struggling at the moment

I don't know why I am really writing this. There seems to be part of me which says that I need to pull my head in and do this alone and another part who so desperately wants to reach out for help. I am really struggling. I'm not coping at all. For much of the day I've thought about all the reasons to die and there are hundreds. There is also one reason to live that keeps me here. I can't let down my oldest son and cut out his trip of a lifetime. He would have to come home and pick up all the pieces for everyone. I keep telling myself I have to hold on until he comes back and then I can let go but this keeps me waiting to die not choosing to live. I have a cold sore that now goes from the corner of my eye the length of my nose and it's slowly creeping across my face from stress. It started on Wednesday and each morning I wake to find more of my face engulfed by it. I am so tired. I am so sorry to write this and I know I'm so lucky to have friends on here that care. I don't want anyone to have to deal with this as it is so depressing so I started this thread as a way of saying that I'm not well when writing here and please don't feel obliged to read or respond.

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In response to: I am struggling at the moment

utopiaSenior Contributor09 Nov 2016, 11:27 am AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member. Take what time you need. Listen to what your body tells you you need.
I'll be here any time you need me.
Sending peaceful thoughts your way.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor09 Nov 2016, 12:11 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

❤ Take the time you need @Former-Member ..... here for you when you want to talk ....

Congrats on stepping out of the self-medicating cycle ...., major achievement right there Hon ....

😘❤

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

DecadianSenior Contributor09 Nov 2016, 2:06 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member

I hear you - you are having a bad time again and there is less time between the hard spells and you can't seem to catch up with yourself

That shadow world must be a tough place - I read that a few days ago you were having a battle with your feelings and needing a drink - I guess that's something you already understand - but what I hear is that this is a sign and symptom of what is happening right now

I am thinking of you - and you respond when you are able - at least I know and we know that you are battling and will be back in when you are able

Hugs though

Dec

I like the big coloured thingies - they help me

💗💙💚

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Nov 2016, 6:00 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @utopia @Former-Member and to anyone reading this. I'm wondering in your experiences did you ever feel completely lost with everything. I've become this person I don't recognise anymore. Im lost in therapy and even feeling lost and disconnected with my best friend. I was struggling on here feeling lost as well. I don't know how to relax or find enjoyment in anything. My therapist keeps asking me what need isn't being met and I haven't a clue most of the time. I feel so super sensitive and tearful at everything. I am also fearful of so much stuff and even though I logically know it's dumb I can't get past it. I was physically feeling nauseous at Trump getting in and had tears streaming down my face when he did and I haven't really been following it and i know these reactions are over reactions but I can't stop them and I hate myself for all this stuff. Have either of you gone through this?

@utopia how did the Aboriginal site find go. Have you heard?

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

utopiaSenior Contributor10 Nov 2016, 6:24 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member. Yes I have felt like that. I think therapy and weight loss are similar in that we get to a point & nothing further happens. Just sort if stuck in limbo.
Crying over Trump - I think that's totally reasonable. I was angry and frustrated about it last night. I chain smoked my way through my anger - not a healthy way to do it.
It's not 'dumb' to have a fear of something. I've struggled with anger over loosing my job and health. I've struggled with not knowing where to go next - what to do. I've struggled with anxiety - which is really - for me at least - a fear of not being in control - a fear of not knowing what will happen - obsessing over what might be.
But as my psychologist keeps telling me - it's not for me to know - why worry about something that may not happen. Why do I keep projecting my fears - my history - onto someone else or something else.
We have pretty much been working on this forthe oast 6 weeks. II'm stubborn - so it sometimes takes a few sessions or lessons before something sinks in.
I think it's important to try to work out what IT is that has you stuck. Not akways easy.
Why not write down what you are afraid of.
What do you think it could be? What isn't it?
What are you feeling? Write diwn not just your physical symptoms - tight muscles - nausea - but also your emotions. Eg: I'm feeling frustrated. I'm feeling teary. I'm feeling restless. I'm feeling lonely.
I find sometimes by doing this - I just get a realization of what it could bbe that's holding me back. However, I'm a talker, so I find it easier to talk through. I just say it all out loud - what you may put on paper & my best friend or psychologist might then dig a bit deeper with a question and then I get the 'light bulb' moment.
Then I have to work through that issue.
It's never easy when we get stuck. But the answer will come.
So what are you fearful of at the moment?
What are you obsessing about?
What word or thought is a constant at the moment?

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Nov 2016, 6:51 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Thanks @utopia. I think reading your reply something came to mind. I guess it is underlying everything. I guess it's what's been there all along. I have no idea how to change it. I guess I'm not that confident that my therapist can help with this as well but then I'm also not sure anyone can. She and others including on this site have faith that once a few things come together I'll be fine. I don't share that confidence or belief still. I'm stubborn like you too with things and need a great deal of reinforcing with lots of things until they go in. Thanks for your response, it has helped 💜🤗

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

utopiaSenior Contributor10 Nov 2016, 7:07 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member. I'm glad it helped.
Do you have someone you can talk this through with? If not your therapist, then maybe a friend.
Or you could write a list - positives & negatives about whatever the issue may be.
Or ask - can I control this issue? Is it really my issue or someone elses? Do I need to control it? What would happen if I have no control? What would happen if my fears came true? How would I cope? How likely is it that these fears will come true?

In response to: Re: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Nov 2016, 7:15 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

Hi @Former-Member

You not alone at all in how you are feeling - so much of what you have written resonates with me. I had similar reaction when I heard the news last nite- I didn't cry but I had a panic attack.

Maybe we can help each other through this @Former-Member .

I think we both need to be kinder to ourselves I think that is a start for me - I can't speak for you but I know I am really hard on myself. I'm just going to prepare some dinner and I will have think of what you said and I will get back to you - after I have some more time to think- you don't mind.

I will be back soonish around 8.30pm Qld time.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

Unknown userMember10 Nov 2016, 7:29 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

It's kind of too heavy to talk to friends about @utopia. It's almost too heavy to write here. I think my fear is of living. I still can't see a purpose in my living. I don't mean this to be a downer but I think I get so caught up with living because I have to as a sense of responsibility for my kids, especially at least for another year or so until my youngest is an adult. I know this is so selfish. But it is so hard to hold on when you can't see what life could lay ahead that would have an element of fulfilment or connection. I'm pretty sure @Former-Member struggles with this too at times. Some days are doable and others are hell. Everyone keeps telling me until I commit to living nothing will change and I guess that's where I am stuck. maybe it's because my fear of failure is running rampant too of late. I'm so unsure of posting this and may retract it. How do I talk about this all and work out how to change it. It seems too big.

In response to: I am struggling at the moment

utopiaSenior Contributor10 Nov 2016, 7:43 pm AEDT

Re: I am struggling at the moment

@Former-Member. I'm glad you were comfortable eniugh to post it here. It's a hard thing to admit to. But I assure you that you and @Former-Member are not alone in feeling like this.
Now that you have said it out loud - is this the first time - now you can work through it.
Why do you think your psychologist can't help with this issue?
What is it that you fear failing at? Maybe write down specifically what you fear failing in. Then each fear can be looked at - pulled apart - and seen for what they are - an unrealistic expectation that we have learnt to put on ourselves.
This may have been a useful tool when you were younger and needed it. But maybe you don't need it anymore.
Maybe you can with your psychologists help - work through each fear - until it no longer exists. One by one.
This time next year - you will be in a different place of healing.

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